You ever....

know something is up? I mean, there isn't a grim reaper sitting next to me reading the latest issue of "Morbid" just waiting for the last sand to drop, but I have a feeling that something is up. And it's not as serious as death. I don't have a feeling that anyone is going to die, but I do have a feeling that something is up with Dane. I don't know. Things are...different. He doesn't look at me as tenderly, he doesn't talk to me as compassionately, and well - he doesn't cuddle me like he used to. I asked him last night if there was anything he wanted to talk about, he declined and turned it back on me. It's just that everytime I get around him, my female sirens go off - like the gauges are pegged! Something inside me, some intuition says he's hiding something. And I'm confused because sometimes I think it's just silly stuff, like I KNOW he had shrimp without me the other night. But then I wonder, maybe shrimp isn't a crustacean from the sea, maybe shrimp is another person. Okay, okay - a silly metaphor, but "what if"? Then I think about how time consuming and utterly useless "what if" scenarios are. I mean, all it does is cause negativity, fear, loathing, depression - not good stuff. So I let it go, what happens will happen and I will be okay regardless. I find myself actually becoming happy at the thought of Dane with another woman who might treat him better than I do. Then I have to wonder (as someone once suggested) is Dane simply my accessory? Is it normal to smile on your intimate partner and say "It's okay if we don't work out, as long as you are happy" or should I be the martyr in love? Does my "indifference" (for lack of a better word) mean that I am not in love with him? Or does it mean that I am actually changing so much internally that I might overcome this demon from the past? God I hope so. I don't want to be controlling anymore. I don't want people to think of me as this stressed little tightwad. I don't want to be a stressed little tightwad. I really think I am winning. I am going through the middle and winning. :) Who will be there on the other side? I suppose I will see when I get there. How exciting!