My Civil Duty

So I managed to secure a pair of jeans and sweatshirt and will myself to work. The sole purpose: to pay the wonderful employees of C&C. Good thing too because it turns out MC was sick as well. She was eternally grateful that I went in to work to pay the folks, being that if I hadn't she would have had to. So the next time I might be accused of not being dedicated to my job (to my knowledge I have never been accused of this in the past) I will cite reference today when I, sick and all, crawled out of my bed and braved horrendous weather to make sure all were paid. Okay, enough tooting my horn, back to real, humble life.

I played a joke on Rhi today in "honor" of the coming April Fool's Day. *snicker* I informed her that her car was no longer a resident of the driveway or neighboring side streets. She concluded that since she did not have the car it was either a) stolen, or b) towed from the driveway. I embellished (b) for as long as I could until she was ready to disconnect and phone the proper authorities. I then claimed "April Fool's Day" on her. She thinks this is an invalid claim since it is not, in fact, April Fool's Day. I maintain that paying hommage can happen at any time, regardless of date, and therefore my honoring April Fool's Day is valid. *snicker*

So I love learning about the law and have decided that for my next trick, I will go to law school and get the certification to be a lawyer. This is on top of my CPA certification. Like my CPA, I do not intend on making a career out of being a lawyer, simply obtaining and maintaining the knowledge/status. Imagine how lethal a CPA/lawyer can be. *evil laugh* I WILL BE UNSTOPPABLE!!! It amuses me that my mother, amongst others, has questioned "why" I might get a CPA if I never plan on "using" it in the context that most people would "use" it. My response is: why wouldn't I go all the way to certify my education? If I go through all the learning and experience motions that are required for CPAs and lawyers, why wouldn't I go the extra 2 feet to certify it? And you never know when I might want to use it. And I would "use" the knowledge everyday that I would get from going to the extent of CPA and lawyer. And I would be that much more credible. Imagine you have two prospective employees in front of you, the chairman of the board, applying for the coveted job of CEO. They both have the same experience, they are both of the same nationality (for the sake of affirmative action), they both have masters degrees (or possibly higher). But only one has certified their education with a CPA and lawyer designation. Which one are you likely to choose? The one who is nationally recognized as a professional, that's who you are going to choose. Why wouldn't you want to be the best you can be?

Spring Forward

Dane is in the process of interviewing for a job in Seattle. The job is higher paying, better benefits, permenant full-time, high profile company, etc. In fact, it sounds like they are ready to offer him something. So this leaves quite a few doors open for me. I think we might maintain the lease here till the end of September (or whenever it ends) while Dane works in Seattle and visits me once or twice a month or visa versa. It would give me time to settle loose ends down here, transfer my credits, find a job, find a nice house, etc. I am scared but also very excited, how cool would it be to move to Seattle!! Delilah/Laura Rose is there, Starbucks, Bikram Yoga, Burlesque, a whole new life. It would be so fun!! I will miss all my friends and family here, but I don't think this move would be permenant for us. My parents are happy which is weird, I didn't think they'd be quite so supportive. I think that regardless of what happens with this job offer, Dane and I are in for some BIG changes this fall. Just a feeling I have. Whether it's buying a house here, moving out-of-state, or something else, I feel our lives will forever change (for the better) this fall. Wish us luck!!!

Schiavo Case

*sigh* Because I work for a right-to-die organization a lot of my friends and family are interested in hearing not only my views, by my employer's overall views on this specific case. I should say that we are a pro-choice organization, not a pro-death. We (myself included) believe that each and every individual should be able to decide their own fate IF AND ONLY IF they are terminally ill (this can mean anything from Alzheimer's to PVS - persistive vegetative state). We/I do not believe any person "hurt over life" should be able to off themselves. We/I do not believe that if you're old and have had enough and want to "check out" you should be able to. We are saying that if you in a terminal (this means permenant) state of illness, whatever color that illness is, you should be able to save yourself the pain and agony of long, stressful, hurtful dying process. We believe you should be able to die with dignity and not wetting yourself in a hospice bed with only the on-duty nurse to mourn you. We believe you should be able to save your assets and money for your loved ones to thrive on not be wasted on keeping you alive when there is no quality of life or hope for you to enjoy your life the way YOU once did. OR we believe that if you want to hang on to life, to hang on to the hope that you might prevail (because people do wake up from 20 year comas) that YOU should have that right!!! We are not interested in forcing one belief or another onto the citizens of the United States. We are not a cult, or a religious organization that is jamming our choices and morality down the throats of an extremely diverse community. America was founded on the freedom that is ours to curse our President, if we choose, to wear a pink tutu to the grocery store, if we choose, to have children - to have 10 children, if we choose, to pray to God or pray facing the East, whatever WE CHOOSE!!!! Why can't we choose how we die? We do not believe the goverment should have a say in OUR choice. This means the slippery slope argument that if we allow physician aide in dying that eventually the government will have control over who lives and dies. THIS CAN'T BE FURTHER THAN THE TRUTH!!! Cite reference the Terri Schiavo case. The government has no business getting involved. I sympathize with Terri's parents. And don't think that I am just saying that because it's the PC thing to say. I KNOW what it's like to have a child on a life support system. I KNOW what it's like to live in "limbo" not knowing whether your child will live or die, not knowing if you should hold on to that 1 in 1 million chance that your child, your perfect little star, your love, your apple, your strong little trooper might, JUST MIGHT beat the odds and overcome a coma. I KNOW what it's like to look at your child and hold a clipboard that signs away her life. That says you acknowledge that signing this agreement will most likely end in your child's death and YOU and only YOU are responsible. I know what that's like. And I'd rather slit my wrists with a dull knife and drip dry bleed to death than ever go through that limbo again. To go through 15 years, like the Schindler's have, is certain hell. I can imagine a fraction of their pain. But I believe it is time to let go. When she said "I do" she emancipated herself. She gave guardianship to Michael. You can't choose your parents, you can choose your spouse. I believe with all my being that Terri would not want to live this way and expressed this to her love, her husband. I believe it is time to let her soul go. Where ever it will go, let her fly. Let her be free. Let us all be free to choose.

I Should Clarify

It has come to my attention that if all you read was this blog, you would think that Dane and I have this horrible relationship that is teetering ever so closely on the brink of break up. This is not true. See, this is what I (and many others) are guilty of. When all is well, mum's the word, but when the sh*t hits the fan, an angry blog insues. So here is a list, cause I said I would make a list, but this list is only for Dane. I will make another list another time, but for now this should give a more proper representation.

Just this week: Dane gave me a dozen roses for no reason (though secretly I maintain that it's because he can't deliver on the Marilyn Manson songs that I want), Dane laughed at me and helped me to the truck after I told the whole bar and everyone on Broadway that "THIS MAN DOESN'T DELIVER!!" rather than get mad and leave my drunk ass, which is what he should have done. :) He opened the truck door for me everytime I got in the truck. He paid for my drinks and mushrooms at the Hafla. He told me I looked nice yesterday morning. He's making my dinner tonight. He didn't bop me upside the head when I couldn't fall asleep on Sunday night. He didn't get all grossed out when I drooled and snored on him the next night. He stopped what he was doing to help my friend with a special project for FOUR hours. He made the Montero box look pretty AND be functional. He pulled my car into the garage. He paid attention to the cats and gave them WAY more love than any other man in the world would do. He turned off the TV in honor of quiet time. He called the dealership to stand up for me. He made dinner so I could work out downstairs in the Room of Art and Dance that he made for me. He cuddled me every night. He watched "The Notebook"...for the third time. He took the trash out. He helped with the dishes. He laughed at me when I made fun of him. He blushed AGAIN on the ride home with the girls.

Yep, Dane is a wonderful man that I should be so lucky to have even if he does have one or two downfalls. Our relationship has stood a small test of time and trials and we are still together, holding hands and shaking our fists at the rest of the world. :)

Double Whamy!

Inspired by Boom Beck's blog, I have decided to evaluate my well-being on several different tiers.

Spiritual - I think I am doomed to a life of confusion in the spiritual realm. I have seen so much that I cannot deny a greater power exists, but who and what it is - I don't know. I know that I believe such a power exists. I know that evil exists. My beliefs/values/moral pivot on what I consider to be the basic rules/laws of life: don't cheat, don't steal, don't kill, don't covet, don't worship material possessions, honor yourself, respect your family/elders, etc. Above and beyond this I have sub-values and almost always break them and then re-evaluate them, but for the most part I think my spirituality simply exists within me.

Intellectual - I think I have an adequate amount of thinking capacity and questioning ability - while I don't contemplate everything I meander across in life, I put a lot of thought towards how the world around me works. I am not Aristotle, but I am certainly not a ditzy blonde either.

Physical - Lately I have been both very good and very bad with my physical being. I go to Bikram Yoga and belly dance religiously every week. I ride my bike to the gym, or to go tanning, or to grab some food. I practice yoga and dance at home as well. I eat good food, for the most part. I drink and smoke entirely too much, which I plan on changing - I do not like handing toxins to myself after all the hard work I do to maintain a healthy lifestyle.

Social - I think I am a good daughter and a good friend. I'm a moderate sister and lover. While I shower Dane with gifts and support (even if it's tough love) I am told that I am not affectionate enough and I do not respect him or my relationship with him. I am told that I respect and care for every one else but throw him to the wolves, so I suppose my social well-being leaves something to be desired by others.

Aesthetic - While I am not good at it, I love to draw, doodle, paint, color, and look at art - any kind. I have my opinions, but I appreciate all of it. I love ballet, I love dance, I love symphonies, I love music. I use recycled paper. I am a member of the Colorado Mountain Club. I carpool (more because I have to than because I *believe* in it). I am a member of the Denver Botanic Gardens.

Career - I definitely have this well-being covered. I have a plan, I am active in my plan, I am constantly looking ahead and doing everything I can from morning network sessions, to furthering my education, to certifying my knowledge, volunteer work, scholarship winner, etc. in order to achieve. I am in career well-being full bloom.

Emotion - Well I don't think I have a handle on this at all. I can barely balance, let alone balance my emotions against other emotions and respond correctly and appropriately. I have a lot of work to do when it comes to emotional well-being, the yoga has helped. Growing up has helped. The removal of some bad influences in my life has helped. I suppose I might always struggle with this one.

Thank you B for sharing your definitions on your blog, it was a great way for me to map out where I am in my own life and I always adore people who motivate me to look within.

My Girl Likes to Party All the Time, Party All the Time, PAAARTY All the TIIIME

I had a most fabulous weekend, but it's becoming quite clear to me that I have developed a party pattern. Every Spring and Fall I droop into this phase of heavy alcoholism. This is the first year that I am aware of it and I have decided to fix this little pattern. First of all, I only have enough money to take P out for her birthday and that's it, so that will help some of my partying habits. Second of all, I've decided to all but cut alcohol out of my diet - I am doing everything right, exercising 6 days a week, some days up to 2.5 hours, watching what I eat and how much I eat. The only thing left is alcohol. I have not cut back on that and therefore it is the only thing holding me back from losing the weight I want. So it's gone. That and I can't really remember this weekend, I had a boatload of fun - don't get me wrong, I just think I could have been a little more responsible.

So this weekend in a nutshell: Thursday I got my car back, after spending $2000 to get anything and everything fixed. Went to school and had good time. Went to Bennigan's and rolled my eyes at Rhi, who was being meloncholy for whatever reasons. Had a few green beers and diet coke/vodka's then headed to the deadbeat for more fun and dancing. I barely remember being at the deadbeat. After the deadbeat we went home and had more fun - I think I was naked from the waist up, oh wait - I had my fake fur coat on, that's right. Then Friday I was hungover most of the day, went to breakfast/lunch at Le Peep, community nap, dinner, hanging out doing homework, watching movies, eating two dinners. Saturday was more homework and getting ready, the hafla was amazing, I thought I should have dressed up more, but then I got to thinking - I looked way different and amazing in P's sarong (THANKS P!!), I love that thing. Once there and kicking S, A, D and I decided to go to Cherry Pit, from what I recall it was a fun night, but alas I was HAMMERED!!! Sorry S and A, I should have controlled myself more. Went home and I passed out. Hungover all day Sunday, didn't do any homework, ran errands with Dane. Felt almost human by the time we met the Moab group at Chili's. I can't wait for this year's trip, it's going to be awesome!!!

To all: I had a wonderful weekend, I am so thankful to all my wonderful, caring friends who tolerate me no matter what and do amazing things for me (warming up my car, leaving the sarong for me, taking care of me all drunk). You guys are the best.

Demise

So I am plotting my conversation with Dane. *sigh* More than ever I really feel pulled down by him. The reoccuring dreams of him holding me down in water are equally disturbing. Now understanding, in these dreams he is not being malicious and I should also note that although underwater, I can still breathe but go through the same flailing motions of drowning. I can't get to the top, Dane is keeping me down from the top. Of course I've talked to him about this and we both know what it means. I've had numerous conversations with him about improving himself and getting a passion. So I can't change him, that's not my goal, I'm motivating him to do what is within him to do. Above all, I want Dane - BUT if he is going to stay in the same rut and never self-improve then he shouldn't be shocked when I leave him. So he gets a passion and then that's ALL he can talk about. I don't overwhelm him with my passions, and while I"m happy his passion benefits me and he's excited about something, I find myself still bored with him. Then, on top of all this, he has the nerve to hand my ass to me Saturday night. He claims that I think I'm perfect, that I ignore him all the time, that I don't care about him, that I didn't introduce him, that I roll my eyes at him, that I hold everything against him, that I don't allow him to talk about his feelings, etc. Let me tell you about Dane - he holds it all in and then blows up like a volcano and unleashes fury on me and then has the nerve to turn it back on me when I confront him about his explosions. He says "You explode all the time and I just sit there and take it!" THAT SOUNDS LIKE YOUR OWN PROBLEM NOT MINE SO STOP PUNISHING ME FOR YOUR OWN COWARDNESS!!!!!! And for the record, when I got yelled at for the aforementioned acts, I was calmly looking out of a window holding his hand. And note that he had just handed Rhi's ass to her AND had about 1 pitcher of beer and 3 - 4 rum and cokes. I had a total of 1 glass of white wine and 2 Michalob Ultras over the course of 4 hours. So I was sober and Dane was drunk. And he made a point to tell me that he just *KNEW* I was going to hold this over his head in the morning. And that's why he can't talk to me. Well here's the thing, I can take your critism but if you want to scream at me and you aren't prepared for my rebuttle, then shut up! That means YOU can't take the critism. OR if you can't handle me sitting there quietly taking it all in, then that means you want to fight. I can't win. I don't care when people bring problems/concerns to my attention, but be ready for my explanations OR my quiet, reflective attitude. Also, if you bring your concerns to me in an inappropriate manner, you should expect to hear about it from me. In return, when I am being obtuse, I would expect people to mention it at that time, not save it in their pocket as an excuse for when they want to get unruly with me. I am surrounded by sensitive pansies, what I consider rude may not be what Daisy Dane considers rude. I expect to be made aware of how my actions make you feel at the time or I will assume that all is well.

I am not looking forward to talking to him. I don't want to talk to him. I don't want to see him.

Racking Debt

It seems like everytime I get close to paying something off, something comes up and I lose all my self control and end up in debt again. I suppose to some degree I will always be in debt, but my debt to Dane and the United Visa and everything just keeps getting bigger and bigger. I have finally put away both my credit cards so I can't cause any more trouble. Except I still cause trouble and now I only have $65 to last till March 23rd. *sigh* The only thing I really need to spend money on anyway is the Hafla on the 19th, so it's not a big deal AND it will give me (and others) incentive to stay home this weekend and focus on the BIG chore - cleaning the basement of all the filth, clutter, old appliances, litter, and stuff. Dane gets to get organized and toss half his clothes, Rhi gets to toss half her clothes, and I get the wonderful task of cleaning everything in between: the stairs, laundry area (especially behind the washer and dryer), organizaing the storage area, cleaning my room of art, organizing my already organized area, and helping Dane and Rhi with anything. I'm anticipating this being a two-day event, but you never know. We did such a good job rearranging the garage, that this might go just as smooth. Plus we need to do camping inventory in preparation of Moab.

I have at least been good about exercising on my bike and at the gym even if I am not so good at doing my tapes at home. And I ditched belly dance last night. And I've had desserts. A LOT of desserts. But it appears as though I am losing weight and I'm getting better and better each time I attend my yoga class. Yeah me!! This is the hardest part for me, it's like once I start to actually see results, I throw in the towel. I've already started slipping (the desserts) so now that I am aware of this slippage, I will work even harder to keep things under control, cause I am doing a good job and if I just keep at it, I will lose the pounds. Then I can get my tatts removed, then an augmentation!! Yeah!

You ever....

know something is up? I mean, there isn't a grim reaper sitting next to me reading the latest issue of "Morbid" just waiting for the last sand to drop, but I have a feeling that something is up. And it's not as serious as death. I don't have a feeling that anyone is going to die, but I do have a feeling that something is up with Dane. I don't know. Things are...different. He doesn't look at me as tenderly, he doesn't talk to me as compassionately, and well - he doesn't cuddle me like he used to. I asked him last night if there was anything he wanted to talk about, he declined and turned it back on me. It's just that everytime I get around him, my female sirens go off - like the gauges are pegged! Something inside me, some intuition says he's hiding something. And I'm confused because sometimes I think it's just silly stuff, like I KNOW he had shrimp without me the other night. But then I wonder, maybe shrimp isn't a crustacean from the sea, maybe shrimp is another person. Okay, okay - a silly metaphor, but "what if"? Then I think about how time consuming and utterly useless "what if" scenarios are. I mean, all it does is cause negativity, fear, loathing, depression - not good stuff. So I let it go, what happens will happen and I will be okay regardless. I find myself actually becoming happy at the thought of Dane with another woman who might treat him better than I do. Then I have to wonder (as someone once suggested) is Dane simply my accessory? Is it normal to smile on your intimate partner and say "It's okay if we don't work out, as long as you are happy" or should I be the martyr in love? Does my "indifference" (for lack of a better word) mean that I am not in love with him? Or does it mean that I am actually changing so much internally that I might overcome this demon from the past? God I hope so. I don't want to be controlling anymore. I don't want people to think of me as this stressed little tightwad. I don't want to be a stressed little tightwad. I really think I am winning. I am going through the middle and winning. :) Who will be there on the other side? I suppose I will see when I get there. How exciting!

Senior Year

I will start my senior year officially on Thursday with Contemporary Business Law. Classes are more in....so I'm having a moment. One of my colleagues just put her toddler daughter on speaker phone while she was singing "Itsy Bitsy Spider" and then I thought about how it might be to hear Isis sing and secretly I dream up make believe situations like I'm sitting in a meeting at work and Detective Gretchen tells me that Mike has been harboring Isis this whole time, he faked her death so he wouldn't have to pay child support but they found her and she's mine and I get to take her home. Or sometimes when I drive to my parent's house I pretend like I've just been out playing and being a kid and Isis will be there when I get there and I can pick her up and go back to my "normal" life. And then I take a birdseye view of my silly dreaming and have to say to myself that what I am doing is awefully depressing. There is NO way Isis will ever walk through my office doors. She is not playing with my mom at home and she never will be. This is not a custody battle with her father. This is not a social services issue with the state. She is gone. And how definitive is death?! Uh, very! Then I cry at the realization that I can dream all I want for Isis and it will never, ever come true. Then my heart HURTS for all the children out there that just need love and attention and people to care for them and nuture them and I read the paper and discover that a 16 year old boy is 43 lbs and he lives in a closet with 4 other kids and they get their toenails ripped off for misbehaving. I imagine all the helpless infants and toddlers that are abused and hurt and I just want to love them. Then I realize that it was MY daughter, MY infant, MY toddler that WAS abused and beaten to death and I want to tear my heart out!!! I want to cry out to the world "WHAT WAS I TO DO? I DIDN'T KNOW! GIVE ME, NO FUCK ME, GIVE HER - GIVE ISIS ANOTHER CHANCE!!!!" I just want to love her. I just want to tell her it's okay. I just want to save every child from this. Why? Why do people hurt kids?