DREAD

I'm dreading going back to work. Probably mostly because I'm done with TSA and don't want to deal with the Douche and I don't know what awaits me there and I'm not quite sure what they will have me do with my two weeks: payables and grunt work or real accounting work. Honestly, I'm not even sure what I want to do. I imagine the best thing for me to do is to wrap up and journals and GL messes that I am aware of and pass on a clean set of books to the gals. If I had it my way, I would not deal with the corps operations at all the next two weeks. OR I would do nothing but deal with the corps operations while the more energetic gals worked on the hard stuff. I'll let the Douche decide what she, in all her wisdom (sarcasm), wants me to do.

I AM glad to have the time to say my goodbyes and cleanup and to get back into the swing of business after the surgery. I've been in La La Land for the past two weeks so I will need something familiar to get back on track. Then I can start TH fresh and hopefully with the energy needed to tackle the challenges that wait for me there.

I'm REALLY scared/nervous. I'm constantly second guessing myself and my capabilities. I hope I have what it takes to make it in this position. I'm determined to make it work. I just can't believe that after all this time and all I've been doing to get to this point its finally here. I'm shocked. I plan to spend the next two weeks familiarizing myself with the Financial Edge (a derivative of Blackbaud/Raiser's Edge) software so I can hit the ground running. I really need to be on my A game. I plan on going to Dress Barn and getting some nice outfits for work. I'm also going back to blond (kinda - maybe just highlights), and getting my nails done again. I want to feel pretty again. Admittedly I was spending a lot on my hair and nails but I kinda like doing those things for myself. I have a much better attitude when I feel sexy and the past year has been kinda dark for me (cite reference this blog). Apparently blonds really do have more fun. :-P At least this blond anyway.

So iPods are entirely too much fun. Dane got me a $50 gift certificate to iTunes for V-day and I've been tearing it up. I've gotten everything from Testament (Return to Serenity) to Rage Against the Machine, Kelly Clarkson, Queen, Garbage, Beyonce, Gwen Stefani - you name it. I LOVE LOVE LOVE my iPod. I would wear it 24/7 if I could. I'm pissed I didn't get the iPod pillow at Bed, Bath, and BeBlond for $9.99 when I had the chance.

Having my mom in town has been fun and of course greatly needed. I will say that I am disheartened at her lack of willingness to try new things. Such as a sushi place. They even had "regular" food on the menu and we told her that but she was still stubborn not to even step foot in the place. I got pissed, Dane got pissed, Mom got pissed, it was not happy times. We finally went and Mom conceded to look at the menu (which is all I ever asked for), decided it wasn't for her, and went next door to have a good ol American beefy, cheesy Philly cheesesteak. Whatever. Dane and I like the sushi place because they have a plethora of vegan options as well as meaty options for Dane so it's one of the few places Dane and I can eat at and both be happy. In the end it all worked out but it definitely dampered the mother/daughter spirits. Mom's been spoiling the cats by giving them wet cat food (something they haven't had in almost two years) and claiming they are starving. All our cats are well over 10 lbs with auto-feeders and water. They can eat any time they want, day or night. So now the cats HOUND her - it's quite amusing.

Today we settled for Italian food - who can't find something they like at a pasta place. We also drove to Alki Point (just West of Seattle, across the Sound) to look at the views and go for a drive. Now its all I can do to stay awake. I don't want to nap cause then I wont be able to sleep tonight. So I'm staying up till 8 then crashing out so I can work tomorrow. I get to wear track suits to work cause I can't fit into my regular work clothes. Well, I might be able to by now, but it's hard with the swelling and it hurts to have buttons and zippers right on my scar.

Surgery/recovery update: my stitches come out on Wed. They gave me a cream to put on my scar to help with something, who knows. Every day Dane and I take pics of the scars so I can look at them closely (via camera) and say things like "Ehhh" and "Gross!" and "What's that?!" and "Pull the thread of gauze" or "Pop the zit!" All of which Dane ignores and continues his nurse like duties. My boobs hurt. I guess now that the swelling is going down somewhat and they are adjusting to their new size, the skin is getting stretched and complaining so it's very tender. Also, the weirdest thing, I can feel on the inside of the boob a reaction to cold or what have you, but there is no reaction on the surface! I'm told this is normal and eventually my nips will have reaction again. I guess a boob lift is like botox for nips. They are permenantly stuck in the "everything's okay" position. I'm still VERY swollen (according to the Doc and nurse) in my hip/belly area. They say I should expect a lot more shrinkage, which is AWESOME news - I thought I was done swelling but I guess it lingers for up to 3 months.

Which means shopping for a wedding gown is now more complicated. Basically I can't buy anything new till about May or June and that puts me to less than 60 days from the wedding which means any alterations will have to be rush and since Mom is in CA and can't do it for me, I will have to pay some clown in the WA area to do it AND it will cost a bazillion dollars. I'm fixin to get married in a swimsuit afterall. :-P Mom and I made some crucial decisions on the wedding, we've got a lot of stuff buttoned up and only a few details left to make. I'm starting to get really excited now that it's coming together. Though I worry only about 3 people will show up. As it gets closer and closer to the date things keep coming up and I wonder if my buddies and family will make it. My sister already dropped out. Whatever. I hope that people will come. It would devastate me if certain people were not there but at the same time I've got to move forward and enjoy the day for what it truly is: my union with the man I love. We've got some awesome stuff planned for our guests though, so those who are coming - you will NOT be disappointed. We are going the extra mile to make sure it is worth every penny.