Peck is in town. Really the blog would be complete with that first sentence, but for story's sake I'll divulge.
So I met with Rhi at Lodo's and we quietly drank a beer waiting for Peck, Amy, and Dee to show up. They showed up one by one during the second beer and we sat and chatted, caught up, played music trivia, and heckled the Time Warner employees from all over the states: Memphis, Orlando, Atlanta, Manhattan, Santa Barbara, Orange County, Portland, and a few others. Before I knew what happened, we were toasted!! Dancing, talking to everyone at the bar, play fighting, text messaging Dane in incomplete thoughts and sentences. It was a great time!!! I got home around 1 I think and immediately passed out on the lawn. After bugs started crawling up my legs I decided to muster up all my strength and sobriety and make it up to my room or inside at least. I staggered up the stairs and crashed into poor Sam's door, waking him up. I passed out there for a while, Sam came out and was like "Wow. On a Wednesday?" I finally made it to my room and that was it. Dee and Peck came over soon after that and Dee helped me take off my jewelry and jacket and put a cold cloth on my head. She was going to put me in the bed, but we all stopped her from making that mistake. That's the last thing I remember. I time traveled to 7:30 am and then jumped into bed and slept till 10 arriving at work at 11:45.
In other news, it sounds like I have a real shot at the Salvation Army job - I will post more as the information comes in.
Note to self: do not forget to pick up Dane tonight. YEAH!!
Thursday, July 28, 2005
Tuesday, July 26, 2005
All I've Ever Wanted
So we all know that I have been confused and scared lately for a variety of reasons, namely - I am moving away from all that is secure and known to a place that is literally exotic compared to what I am comfortable with. I am scared of the constantly changing relationship I have with Dane. We all know that I sought some sort of comfort with Blue then quickly realized that I didn't want to push the boundaries with Dane. So in an effort to allieviate the confusion and find a ground zero I met with Dane in Portland for a rendez-vous.
I flew standby to PDX and got on the 8 o'clock flight by the skin of my teeth. I arrived in Portland and immediately went to work at the C&C PDX office - this was cool because I was able to log a full days work, get stuff done at the PDX office at little expense to the company. I spent the afternoon training Kelly and waiting for Dane. We met up at 5:30 and went to the Mark Spencer hotel, the only hotel available. We got ready, I wore my new black cocktail dress that Dane purchased for me the last time he was in Denver but in my haste to pack, I neglected to pack a pair of undies and each time the wind flared up, so would my dress. On top of that, I only packed what I was going to wear, nothing extra - a first for me, I always pack extra stuff "just in case". I didn't even pack my glasses - I had no room. Well my one and only black halter top with built in bra combusted, so I had no shirt for Saturday. So Dane and I made a B-line for a mall to look for undies and a shirt. We found a mall downtown and luckily Express had a really cute top on sale ($14.99) and across from Express was Victoria's Secret where I found the most comfortable, perfect thong ever!!!! With the crisis adverted, Dane and I walked to 4th and Washington to a Greek restaurant that had great food and live entertainment. We listened to Greek music, danced and participated in Greek traditions including flinging plates and the famous "Oupa!" shots. It was a great time. I ended up drinking more than I should have so Dane and I called it an early night.
Saturday we walked the Pearl District, got my nails fixed and a pedicure, ate lunch at a great Chinese restaurant, drank Starbucks on the street car, browsed used book and clothing stores, and then made our way to the hippest boutique hotel in Portland (how Dane pulled strings to get us in is beside me) the Jupiter Hotel. Think college dorm meets Travelodge. People would pull kegs into their rooms, leave the doors wide open, party all night, urban decor, awesome awesome place. Except I had a killer headache and my eye was swollen and red. We took a nap then decided to find a place to eat. Not convinced that the food at the Jupiter would be any better than a greasy spoon pad, I wanted to walk around. Dane thought we should stay. We walked around for almost 2 hours over 35 blocks and found nothing worth while. We finally went back to Jupiter exhausted and sat down for dinner to find ourselves having amazing food at amazing prices. I had to smile at myself and the situation and the irony of it all. I put my fork down, grabbed Dane's hand and said "Sometimes you have to look all over town at what's available to discover that what you wanted most was right there all along, all yours." He sat there stunned for a moment then admitted that he wasn't sure what to feel but that it was an astounding analogy. I smiled, he smiled and we enjoyed the rest of our night very quietly admist the partiers of Portland.
Sunday we made the most of our urban, freaky room before checking out. We took a cab to the Lloyd Center and arrived just in time to see Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. During the trailers, the lights came on and the movie stopped. Confused, we looked around to find that a woman in the back row had died - not breathing, not moving, just sitting there mouth agape. There was no panic, just silence, stillness, and confusion. Dane and I were wondering why no one was doing anything but almost instantly the paramedics arrived. An older man claiming to be the woman's son said "Please do not rescusitate her, I have her DNR orders right here, this is not the first time this has happened." The paramedics obliged and moved to pick her up and move her out of the theatre, when they did so, the woman's neck flopped forward and it was obvious that she was not alive. I ran out the theatre to fake stand in line at the concession stand just to see if the paramedics would honor her wishes. Normally paramedics don't (and shouldn't) honor DNR orders. A piece of history, DNR orders are for people who are already admitted into a hospital for a procedure or surgery of some sort, they are not meant to be honored in emergent situations where you are not stabilized. But in this case the son had the orders and provided all the information necessary and we all just stood around and waited patiently and compassionately for the woman to die. When she was pronounced dead, they put a blanket over her and wheeled her away, the son apologized to the theatre who in return shouted their condolences. The staff members passed out free movie passes for the "inconvenience" and the movie went on as planned. After the tramatic events and the good humored movie, Dane and I walked to the mall but could not stash our bags anywhere while we shopped. Instead we noticed an ice rink and it just so happened to be public skating. We rented skates and had a very impromptu, romantic afternoon ice skating. Afterwards we left each other, I to the East on the Max, Dane to the West in a cab. I was bound for a plane, he for a train.
It was sad leaving him again, but not quite as bad this time for I will see him again soon. I maintain that airports are the place to go to pick up on people - once again I was hit on at the PDX airport, I was flattered and embarrassed. I always feel bad when guys have enough guts to ask me out and I have to tell them that I have a partner. It makes things so awkward. I got a seat on the plane right away and slept most of the way back to Denver. Once home (for now) I talked to Peck all the way home, she is in town this week. We had fun and giggled and made plans for the week.
All in all it was a good weekend. I'm less confused now and things are settling back into place. I interviewed with the Salvation Army for an hour yesterday - first time I wore a tank top, Cubs hat, and smoked during an interview (I like this whole phone interview thing). We'll see if I hear back from them. I'm nervous about joining such a right wing religious nonprofit, but the Salvation Army is as people-compassionate as one can get. I'm not sure, we'll see.
I flew standby to PDX and got on the 8 o'clock flight by the skin of my teeth. I arrived in Portland and immediately went to work at the C&C PDX office - this was cool because I was able to log a full days work, get stuff done at the PDX office at little expense to the company. I spent the afternoon training Kelly and waiting for Dane. We met up at 5:30 and went to the Mark Spencer hotel, the only hotel available. We got ready, I wore my new black cocktail dress that Dane purchased for me the last time he was in Denver but in my haste to pack, I neglected to pack a pair of undies and each time the wind flared up, so would my dress. On top of that, I only packed what I was going to wear, nothing extra - a first for me, I always pack extra stuff "just in case". I didn't even pack my glasses - I had no room. Well my one and only black halter top with built in bra combusted, so I had no shirt for Saturday. So Dane and I made a B-line for a mall to look for undies and a shirt. We found a mall downtown and luckily Express had a really cute top on sale ($14.99) and across from Express was Victoria's Secret where I found the most comfortable, perfect thong ever!!!! With the crisis adverted, Dane and I walked to 4th and Washington to a Greek restaurant that had great food and live entertainment. We listened to Greek music, danced and participated in Greek traditions including flinging plates and the famous "Oupa!" shots. It was a great time. I ended up drinking more than I should have so Dane and I called it an early night.
Saturday we walked the Pearl District, got my nails fixed and a pedicure, ate lunch at a great Chinese restaurant, drank Starbucks on the street car, browsed used book and clothing stores, and then made our way to the hippest boutique hotel in Portland (how Dane pulled strings to get us in is beside me) the Jupiter Hotel. Think college dorm meets Travelodge. People would pull kegs into their rooms, leave the doors wide open, party all night, urban decor, awesome awesome place. Except I had a killer headache and my eye was swollen and red. We took a nap then decided to find a place to eat. Not convinced that the food at the Jupiter would be any better than a greasy spoon pad, I wanted to walk around. Dane thought we should stay. We walked around for almost 2 hours over 35 blocks and found nothing worth while. We finally went back to Jupiter exhausted and sat down for dinner to find ourselves having amazing food at amazing prices. I had to smile at myself and the situation and the irony of it all. I put my fork down, grabbed Dane's hand and said "Sometimes you have to look all over town at what's available to discover that what you wanted most was right there all along, all yours." He sat there stunned for a moment then admitted that he wasn't sure what to feel but that it was an astounding analogy. I smiled, he smiled and we enjoyed the rest of our night very quietly admist the partiers of Portland.
Sunday we made the most of our urban, freaky room before checking out. We took a cab to the Lloyd Center and arrived just in time to see Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. During the trailers, the lights came on and the movie stopped. Confused, we looked around to find that a woman in the back row had died - not breathing, not moving, just sitting there mouth agape. There was no panic, just silence, stillness, and confusion. Dane and I were wondering why no one was doing anything but almost instantly the paramedics arrived. An older man claiming to be the woman's son said "Please do not rescusitate her, I have her DNR orders right here, this is not the first time this has happened." The paramedics obliged and moved to pick her up and move her out of the theatre, when they did so, the woman's neck flopped forward and it was obvious that she was not alive. I ran out the theatre to fake stand in line at the concession stand just to see if the paramedics would honor her wishes. Normally paramedics don't (and shouldn't) honor DNR orders. A piece of history, DNR orders are for people who are already admitted into a hospital for a procedure or surgery of some sort, they are not meant to be honored in emergent situations where you are not stabilized. But in this case the son had the orders and provided all the information necessary and we all just stood around and waited patiently and compassionately for the woman to die. When she was pronounced dead, they put a blanket over her and wheeled her away, the son apologized to the theatre who in return shouted their condolences. The staff members passed out free movie passes for the "inconvenience" and the movie went on as planned. After the tramatic events and the good humored movie, Dane and I walked to the mall but could not stash our bags anywhere while we shopped. Instead we noticed an ice rink and it just so happened to be public skating. We rented skates and had a very impromptu, romantic afternoon ice skating. Afterwards we left each other, I to the East on the Max, Dane to the West in a cab. I was bound for a plane, he for a train.
It was sad leaving him again, but not quite as bad this time for I will see him again soon. I maintain that airports are the place to go to pick up on people - once again I was hit on at the PDX airport, I was flattered and embarrassed. I always feel bad when guys have enough guts to ask me out and I have to tell them that I have a partner. It makes things so awkward. I got a seat on the plane right away and slept most of the way back to Denver. Once home (for now) I talked to Peck all the way home, she is in town this week. We had fun and giggled and made plans for the week.
All in all it was a good weekend. I'm less confused now and things are settling back into place. I interviewed with the Salvation Army for an hour yesterday - first time I wore a tank top, Cubs hat, and smoked during an interview (I like this whole phone interview thing). We'll see if I hear back from them. I'm nervous about joining such a right wing religious nonprofit, but the Salvation Army is as people-compassionate as one can get. I'm not sure, we'll see.
Tuesday, July 19, 2005
THESE are the facts.....
I love Dane. I miss Dane. My life is with Dane.
I am freaking out because I am scared. I am scared he will leave me now that he's well-to-do and can find someone better so I prepare a plan B, or Blue as the case may be. I am scared to leave Denver, I am scared to start a new life in a new city far away from all that is comfortable. I am scared to admit that this long-distance thing is really hard. I am scared to admit how much I really do love Dane.
Faced with the tormenting thought that he might not be around or that I might do something to compromise our relationship brought me to my knees in tears. I can't imagine losing him, especially to someone as silly as Blue. Blue is not even 1/10th the man Dane is - I'm such a silly woman. I am just scared and acting out.
Immediately I booked a flight to go see Dane this weekend - I have so much to do at home but I will lose my mind if I don't see him...NOW!!! I didn't even think about it, I just booked the flight and now we have all these arrangements to make and who is going to care for the cats and where will we stay - it's totally crazy!! I don't do stuff like this. But I have to see him, I have to. I can't wait another week, I don't care what I have to do or push off till next week or whatever - I HAVE to see him.
So toodles Blue, you are a great man - but I have an even greater man who is already in love with me and who I love back. There is no room for Blue in my black and white relationship with Dane. Only lots of polka dots. :)
I am freaking out because I am scared. I am scared he will leave me now that he's well-to-do and can find someone better so I prepare a plan B, or Blue as the case may be. I am scared to leave Denver, I am scared to start a new life in a new city far away from all that is comfortable. I am scared to admit that this long-distance thing is really hard. I am scared to admit how much I really do love Dane.
Faced with the tormenting thought that he might not be around or that I might do something to compromise our relationship brought me to my knees in tears. I can't imagine losing him, especially to someone as silly as Blue. Blue is not even 1/10th the man Dane is - I'm such a silly woman. I am just scared and acting out.
Immediately I booked a flight to go see Dane this weekend - I have so much to do at home but I will lose my mind if I don't see him...NOW!!! I didn't even think about it, I just booked the flight and now we have all these arrangements to make and who is going to care for the cats and where will we stay - it's totally crazy!! I don't do stuff like this. But I have to see him, I have to. I can't wait another week, I don't care what I have to do or push off till next week or whatever - I HAVE to see him.
So toodles Blue, you are a great man - but I have an even greater man who is already in love with me and who I love back. There is no room for Blue in my black and white relationship with Dane. Only lots of polka dots. :)
Sleepless in Seattle or Confused in Colorado
I am totally confused and I have absolutely no reason to be. Here are the facts:
1. I love Dane, he is my life partner, I am moving to Seattle to be with and grow old with him.
2. I am attracted to a blue collar, divorced man with 3 kids and a Datsun.
When I follow my thoughts through to conclusion, there is only one - but it doesn't clear any of my confusion. And then THAT confuses me why I am so confused?!?! I think "why am I even confused, I've been with Dane 4 years, I've seen Blue 4 times." But I can't explain it. He constantly probes me about Dane and what am I going to do and "if things were different". I just stare at him and think - "what am I doing". I look at him and all I can do is think of Dane. Every word that comes out of Blue's mouth is compared to what D would say. And I think - so what's the deal Crystal, why are you confused.
Then I get depressed and crawl into a dark place and wonder what is wrong with me. After doing a lot of soul searching last night I am still confused, but I realize that I am probably just going through some weirdo emotions because Dane is gone. Yeah sure Blue is sexy and a perfect gentleman and the amount of respect he has for me and Dane and our relationship makes him that much more attractive to me, but Dane is....Dane is...WOW. Dane is my Mr. Man. No one can replace him. No matter how good looking or how strong the mental connection is.
I love my Dane. I miss him. I want to be with him. *SIGH*
1. I love Dane, he is my life partner, I am moving to Seattle to be with and grow old with him.
2. I am attracted to a blue collar, divorced man with 3 kids and a Datsun.
When I follow my thoughts through to conclusion, there is only one - but it doesn't clear any of my confusion. And then THAT confuses me why I am so confused?!?! I think "why am I even confused, I've been with Dane 4 years, I've seen Blue 4 times." But I can't explain it. He constantly probes me about Dane and what am I going to do and "if things were different". I just stare at him and think - "what am I doing". I look at him and all I can do is think of Dane. Every word that comes out of Blue's mouth is compared to what D would say. And I think - so what's the deal Crystal, why are you confused.
Then I get depressed and crawl into a dark place and wonder what is wrong with me. After doing a lot of soul searching last night I am still confused, but I realize that I am probably just going through some weirdo emotions because Dane is gone. Yeah sure Blue is sexy and a perfect gentleman and the amount of respect he has for me and Dane and our relationship makes him that much more attractive to me, but Dane is....Dane is...WOW. Dane is my Mr. Man. No one can replace him. No matter how good looking or how strong the mental connection is.
I love my Dane. I miss him. I want to be with him. *SIGH*
Friday, July 15, 2005
Going Away
This weekend is my last weekend to cut loose. After this it's all work and no play. I planned my summer so that I could relax and have fun the 1st half and then work hard the last 6 weeks to complete all the tasks necessary to move. In retrospect I am glad I planned it that way. May and June were all about partying hard, whooping it up, and acting bad cause "dad's gone" (his words, not mine). Well now all that has worn off and I'm sitting here like "I really miss Dane" so luckily there has only been a few weeks of missing Dane and shuffling my feet around wondering what to do and where to go. After this weekend, I have my work cut out.
So here is my itinerary for the next 6 weeks/weekends:
3rd weekend in July: Dinner with Vince and Joe from JoeAb, SATC, lots of yardwork/cleaning, going away party at Bennigan's and Brunswick Zone in Lone Tree, Donor Dash, Botanic Gardens, and homework.
4th weekend in July: Organize and price all garage sale items and move into the garage, go through already packed/stored items and organize or prepare a trash/donation run, Zach's 2nd b-day, homework, yardwork.
5th weekend in July: Dane is in town to help with packing and pricing his garage sale stuff and stuff to take with us, move the heavy stuff into the garage for the sale, develop a packing/organizing method to easily ascertain what is in what box and where it will be located, pack the stuff we don't need.
1st weekend in August: Garage sale round 1 on Friday, round 2 on Saturday. From 7 - 2 (or later) Rhi and I (with special guest help) will be manning the garage sale. Other than that, we will do yardwork and rest!
2nd weekend in August: If I need to, I will have another garage sale on Saturday. If not, then I will make a couple trips to the Goodwill. Then once the garage is clear, I will start moving already packed boxes into the garage for easy loading.
3rd weekend in August: Rhi's dad will be in town, so I imagine I will go out once or twice with them to the Cubs game and maybe another place. Otherwise I will be packing up every room in the house save the bedroom furniture - I will pack the loft, computers, tv room, books, dance room, misc living areas, my clothes, most of the bathroom, all of the kitchen, most decorations. Rhi and I decided that the 3rd week in August would be "Honor Take-Out Restaurants" week where we would celebrate restaurants that offer take-out by eating take-out with plastic-ware. Actually all our dishes and cooking utensils will be packed.
4th weekend in August: Pack the bedrooms, pack any remaining stuff, move boxes into garage, clean the house like no tomorrow, stain the scratches on the doors, have a moving party on Sunday at 6:00 with pizza and beer where everyone comes over and for one hour we move all the stuff from the garage into the rental truck and then enjoy food and drink and fellowship.
August 29th, 9:00am: Push off for Seattle via SLC and Umatilla, WA.
So here is my itinerary for the next 6 weeks/weekends:
3rd weekend in July: Dinner with Vince and Joe from JoeAb, SATC, lots of yardwork/cleaning, going away party at Bennigan's and Brunswick Zone in Lone Tree, Donor Dash, Botanic Gardens, and homework.
4th weekend in July: Organize and price all garage sale items and move into the garage, go through already packed/stored items and organize or prepare a trash/donation run, Zach's 2nd b-day, homework, yardwork.
5th weekend in July: Dane is in town to help with packing and pricing his garage sale stuff and stuff to take with us, move the heavy stuff into the garage for the sale, develop a packing/organizing method to easily ascertain what is in what box and where it will be located, pack the stuff we don't need.
1st weekend in August: Garage sale round 1 on Friday, round 2 on Saturday. From 7 - 2 (or later) Rhi and I (with special guest help) will be manning the garage sale. Other than that, we will do yardwork and rest!
2nd weekend in August: If I need to, I will have another garage sale on Saturday. If not, then I will make a couple trips to the Goodwill. Then once the garage is clear, I will start moving already packed boxes into the garage for easy loading.
3rd weekend in August: Rhi's dad will be in town, so I imagine I will go out once or twice with them to the Cubs game and maybe another place. Otherwise I will be packing up every room in the house save the bedroom furniture - I will pack the loft, computers, tv room, books, dance room, misc living areas, my clothes, most of the bathroom, all of the kitchen, most decorations. Rhi and I decided that the 3rd week in August would be "Honor Take-Out Restaurants" week where we would celebrate restaurants that offer take-out by eating take-out with plastic-ware. Actually all our dishes and cooking utensils will be packed.
4th weekend in August: Pack the bedrooms, pack any remaining stuff, move boxes into garage, clean the house like no tomorrow, stain the scratches on the doors, have a moving party on Sunday at 6:00 with pizza and beer where everyone comes over and for one hour we move all the stuff from the garage into the rental truck and then enjoy food and drink and fellowship.
August 29th, 9:00am: Push off for Seattle via SLC and Umatilla, WA.
Monday, July 11, 2005
Six Minutes
In six minutes I will begin training again. So this will be fast. The weekend was nice - I've had some pretty confusing times this last week. I think it has to do with:
1. Dane coming and going
2. Outside influences
3. Tons of homework, housework, errands, and chores
4. No time to do yoga in over a week
5. Training Joe and the overwhelming task of replacing myself (that sounds worse than I mean it)
6. The "whoo-hoo Dad's gone" has worn off and I really miss Dane
7. I've lost weight but kind of let my diet plan slip away
All these things have contributed to a very irritated, depressed, confused Crystal. I will write more later as things become more clear to me and I have sorted out my feelings. I look forward to yoga tonight and so far my diet is back on track. I have also deleted some outside influences that have contributed to my confusion - I felt better immediately.
1. Dane coming and going
2. Outside influences
3. Tons of homework, housework, errands, and chores
4. No time to do yoga in over a week
5. Training Joe and the overwhelming task of replacing myself (that sounds worse than I mean it)
6. The "whoo-hoo Dad's gone" has worn off and I really miss Dane
7. I've lost weight but kind of let my diet plan slip away
All these things have contributed to a very irritated, depressed, confused Crystal. I will write more later as things become more clear to me and I have sorted out my feelings. I look forward to yoga tonight and so far my diet is back on track. I have also deleted some outside influences that have contributed to my confusion - I felt better immediately.
Thursday, July 07, 2005
Life
*sigh* I think the rep I have is somewhat unearned. I have this reputation for needing to control things and being bossy and whatever. Here's my take on it - some of the best managers and seminar leaders will tell you that delegation is one of the hardest things to learn for managers. Well I have that skill down pat. I also know that when I delegate things that it is my responsibility if they screw up. So I delegate the easy stuff and complete the rest on my own. Call me controlling but shit gets done and gets done right most of the time. Every now and again something slips through the cracks or in rare circumstances when it is not appropriate for me to control things, I let it go and hope for the best. And time and time again I am disappointed. Then I have to realize that what is easy to me is not easy to others. It is my fault that things didn't turn out right, or rather "the way I wanted them". I take a deep sigh and realize that I should have just handled things. It's not a big deal in the small picture, but I am not a small picture person - I always look at the whole forest, not just the trees. For me small events similar to the ones mentioned above only affirm my fears of delegation and NOT controlling things. I don't know what to do!! Should I just let go and let everything fall to shit?! Should I control more?! ARGH!!! I will now share something my dad wrote to me, it's what I read in times like this:
"The point I have been working toward, is that although you are one of the most brilliantly gifted persons I know in your strengths, you will never be able to fully attain alone, you need a team. Your team members are (in order of importance): your life partner, your family, your friends, your associates at work. Anytime you degrade any of your team members openly or in your mind and attitude you also degrade yourself. The closer they are to you on the team chart, the more it affects you. Anytime you see someone stumble in something you are strong in, like your dad misspelling a word or your boyfriend lacking a little organization, resist the urge to react critically of them. Because there are things you are weak in, like economics, and there are things they are strong in, even if it is only keeping their cool when you have lost yours."
"The point I have been working toward, is that although you are one of the most brilliantly gifted persons I know in your strengths, you will never be able to fully attain alone, you need a team. Your team members are (in order of importance): your life partner, your family, your friends, your associates at work. Anytime you degrade any of your team members openly or in your mind and attitude you also degrade yourself. The closer they are to you on the team chart, the more it affects you. Anytime you see someone stumble in something you are strong in, like your dad misspelling a word or your boyfriend lacking a little organization, resist the urge to react critically of them. Because there are things you are weak in, like economics, and there are things they are strong in, even if it is only keeping their cool when you have lost yours."
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)