For The Love Of Dane

I found this email that I wrote to Dane on June 20, 2002, just 3 days before my motorcycle accident and earning the much sought-after and highly controversial title of "Dane's Girlfriend". It sometimes shocks me how emotional I can be and how much has been snuffed out of me over the years for various reasons. At any rate - voila!


Sitting inside my room last night, all safe and sound from the blasting thunder, lighting and rain I was listening to outside got me thinking about some things.
It’s not very often that I just get the urge to write. Sometimes it’s a story, sometimes random thoughts, sometimes a letter. Although it may be impersonal, for some reason I have this awesome desire to jot down some emotions I’m feeling.
So often I sit back and try to look at my life from someone else’s view, ANYONE’S view but mine. Oh to walk in any shoes but my own for one day would be absolutely bliss. Then I get to thinking, "wait a minute", look at all that you still have…I’m still on my feet, I’ve survived this far. I have a wonderful group of very supportive friends, I live with my greatest friend of my life, I own my own car and motorcycle, and I have the foundation for a great future in the career world. On the surface I am happy.
I think about all that I have been forced to endure and the visions my eyes have beheld and I wonder, "how is it possible for me to wake in the morning?!". What would I not give to scratch my eyes out put a knife right through my heart. I am positive that there is nothing inside me, I am this empty, dark zombie. What’s on the outside resembles this shell of a human that once existed in a reality filled with love and happiness. Now there’s nothing left but a fantasy land of hurt and pain. A walking tomb I am, a breathing burial ground for the flesh and blood that was once my own. I wonder how can I ever get over this ache that is Isis? Do I even want to get over her?
How many nights have I come home to an empty house, once so full of life and love, now nothing but creaks and cracks of an ancient house. I have cried more than I think a human is capable of. I have spent hours alone with nothing but my thoughts of her and how can I live again? How did I live 20 years of my life without her? I swear to God that she took the best of me when she died. I have lost so much that I vowed to never feel again. Forever numb to anyone who could ever leave again. I refuse to risk it. I will not love EVER again! I tell myself this, thinking that it’s possible.
I have done nothing but harden my heart and remove all humanity within me since I lost my girl. I have cried tears for her, but I have never let go. I refused to let go of her. I thought I could hold onto her love by deflecting it from anyone else. If I loved her and only her, then she could live. I have never allowed myself to grieve her. I’ve wallowed in our pity and begged for answers refusing to hear the response. I have pushed away everyone who cares for me in a selfish attempt to relish in a world that no longer exists for me.
Enter Dane.
All those times that I tell you that you have helped me beyond your comprehension is not just a flattering remark. I don’t know how you cut right to me, but somehow you have managed to present yourself in a way that I felt it was okay to let you in. I let you in perhaps thinking nothing of it, but you have totally turned my world inside out. I look at things now with a hope rather than despair. I look on my life and see potential, a future. Not what I had anticipated, but something far greater than imagined. Oh the road I had to take to get there was painful – unbearable even, but perhaps worth it. I look around me and see a life filled with happiness again. My fantasy has turned to reality. I look at you and feel the warmth that I have discarded from my life. It shocks me, but I find tranquility that I thought impossible. I feel things that I thought I had banned from my heart. The life I see in you revives my tired eyes. The things you give to me without any second thought melts every fiber of my being. How could I be so unfortunate to have lost so much only to be so lucky as to gain you in all of it? Is this how it had to be to acquire you? And how can you have it in you to make it worth it? And how horrible am I for thinking that? It’s not like that, but since it is this way, how can I ever re-pay you for what you have done? You have given me the strength to let go. I feel so much weight lifted, I can grieve for her now. I can get over this and I will. Where did you find it in you to take on this burden?
Don’t you realize what you have done for me? You given me back my life. Not all of it, no one can do that. But you have guided me back to who I am, who I can be and who I will be. You have broken through every barrier I have created like it was nothing but a wall of dust. Your compassion for my daughter and me has pulled at every string of my heart and I can’t help but to love you for that, Dane. I can’t help but to look at you and see you for everything that you are. How can I resist that? How can I demand that it be gone? I can’t. And quite simply I’ve accepted that I wont. I won’t push you out; I won’t let go of you. Meaning that I won’t force myself to not have feelings for you. I can’t stop this. I might be strong, but no amount of resistance could halt what I seem to feel for you. You may find that scary and I have so longed to tell you all of this, but haven’t for fear of turning you away, but the fact is I would be stone if I didn’t recognize all that you do for me and not care for you and love that it in you. Even if you left tomorrow, I would still be ahead. What you have done for me and what you have shown me about me is an invaluable lesson. Thank you for giving me my life back. Thank you for finding me in all this mess. Thank you for tolerating me and helping me through this.
Bottom Line: I love you.
C