Hate

Such a strong word. I used it this morning. I hate that I used it this morning. I hate that I felt powerless to control the word coming out of my mouth. I hate myself for what I did.

So there we were, talking about marriage and a life together on one side of the Mercer Island tunnel and by the time we got out we were SCREAMING at each other!! And all over Spy Ware (I *STILL* don't know what that is)!! I am admittedly grumpy in the mornings and on the drive home - I need quiet time. Decompression. Rhi understood this and respected it. Dane trys to talk to me. I get instantly irritated and act that way. I've tried telling him about "Quiet Time" but he thinks it's a joke. It's not a joke!! I really need there to be silence on the way to/from work. That might make me silly, but I am okay with that. So this morning we fought, half because I was irritated and half because Dane was expecting said irritation. When those two components met, it was an atomic explosion. I screamed and said nasty things and Dane screamed and said nasty things. Instead of being about Spy Ware, it was about responsibility, then commuting, then back to accountability, then to esteem issues. Finally I really exploded (yes, the screaming before was just gurglings of the coming eruption) I said, and I quote "I hate you. I hate that I hate you. I hate that I have to pretend with you. I hate that I came to this city for you. I hate that I am locked to you." Said in a quiet but very passionate voice - almost spitting out of my mouth. Then I was silent. And for the rest of the ride I was silent. Dane simply directed me to his office, then leaned over and kissed me goodbye saying "Well I still love you."

*sigh* No. *bawl* Then I was mad at the tears. Then I was mad at myself. Then my dad called and said Mt. Evans was dusted with snow last night. I have thought about this morning and what happened and what I think and feel. I am glad I don't have to go home till LATE tonight. I need time to think. I am sorry for what I said, but I am worried at the conviction with which I said it. I will write more as the thoughts develop, back to work for now.