Dane asked me yesterday what would I say to myself if given the opportunity to travel back in time to April having experienced the whole summer and the stress of moving primary locations. At first thought, and what I told Dane, is that I wouldn't have said much of anything other than "you were prepared for this". But as I got to thinking about things, I thought better of my short-sighted advice to myself and decided there would be a lot of things I would say to myself (shock of shocks, I know). What I would say to my April Self:
Intermediate Accounting - you psyched yourself out too much for this class, but it was a good thing. Your fears helped you study and find a study pattern that worked best for you. You have spent a good year preparing for these classes and you handled them well. It was good that Dane was gone during this time. It was good that you decided to take the classes in Colorado. You made the right decision staying here.
Acting out - you need to be prepared for weird emotions that you have never felt before and ones that kinda sneak up on you and show themselves in seemingly harmless, or fun, or pretty packages. While you were expecting "missing" Dane, you were not prepared for the impact of the decision you made in regards to the level of commitment with this man. Be prepared for confused, angry emotions surrounding the level of commitment and sacrifice on your end vs. the lack of ring or formal commitment on his end. Be prepared for harmful situations that seem fun at the time but might not be the best thing for you in the short and long term. Try not to treat this summer as a prolonged bachelorette party....
Moving - it is a lot of work to pack and move a house, even when you plan it the way you did. Things never work out the way they do on paper, you know this, but it is still good to have a plan. It is also good to leave a lot of extra time to get things done that might have been pushed to the side (again, you know this but I'd like to reiterate it). You will be tired in body and mind and unable to get a good night's rest during the last week, but this is normal. You will be tired of fast food. The kitties will act out. You will resent Dane for not being there. This is all normal and life WILL stabilize. It will NOT be like this forever, dear. Hang in there.
Work - you will suffer from short-timer's syndrome whether you admit to it or not. Your anger at how the company is managed and the way the nonprofit money is spent and how the employees are not rewarded will compound and you will run your mouth. I'm not going to say this is good or bad, I'm simply going to tell you that you will do it. You may wish to keep your mouth shut at times, others you may wish to shout from the roof top. Regardless, when you leave, your attitude towards the company will be known by most employees.
Dane - you still haven't learned how to handle love have you? Will you ever, I wonder? It seems that ever since Isis died you have shut people out - oh, don't get me wrong. You let people in, care for people, let them know you love them, but you haven't ever really let anyone "get" you. Perhaps this is fallout from Mike, though I know you never loved him. Maybe it is from letting yourself fall in love too quickly with the man that killed Isis. That is probably it, you are worried that once you let someone get to you like that, they will turn around and do something so autrocious you will never be able to forgive yourself for what you consider selfishness. So why would Dane be any different? He's not. In fact he's been the only candidate for your love since Isis died. You would think that after 3 full years you would budge. I wonder why you find it so necessary to constantly threaten him with a break up. Is that your own insecurities? Is it that you think you settle for Dane? I would suggest you spend these next couple months thinking about that. Think about what you want Dane to be vs. what you know he is. Think about what you desire more. Think about his efforts to change. Think about your need to improve. Rather than building a Plan B, think about polishing up your Plan A. It IS your first choice, after all. Perhaps you should consider letting Dane all the way in and if you lose him, then you can deal with that when that day comes rather than living every day with him as if it has already been ended. He is not your enemy, he is your number one resource and reason for not going off the deep end. You better recognize, Crystal.
Parents - for as much as you give your mom or your family shit for being "obligated" to attend family functions, you are sure going to miss them. And it won't be obvious till you realize how much you still depend on them to bail you out certain situations. You will miss your mom's stories and fits. You will miss your dad's advice and his gentle demeanor. You will miss your sister and her whole family. You will miss Ashley and Zach growing up. You will probably never be prepared for cutting the family ties.
Conclusion - you have so much ahead of you Crystal, but you are sometimes entirely too stubborn and cocky to realize it. You are so busy getting to the destination, you forget to process and learn from the journey. There were so many lessons you could have learned without the hardships this summer. There were so many times you could have gained from just slowing down. I hope in Seattle you will learn the value of relaxing and spending quality down time with the ones you love. You don't always have to be accomplishing something in order to feel accomplished. Good luck to you, deary, I fear you will need it for a long time coming.
4 comments:
Having said all that, Self, I think it is also important to build a positive self image. If I keep telling myself that I am fat, that I will never quit smoking, that I have to be busy to be successful, then my sub-conscious will work towards making each of those statements true. It is just like programming a computer. Each time I use negative Self-Talk, I am programming myself to become what I despise! So here it goes, the Crystal that I am, that I want to be, that I WILL become:
I am in shape.
I never smoke.
I only drink socially and never more than 5 cocktails in one evening.
I am patient.
I never threaten my partner with the "d" word. (divorce/depart)
I exercise 3 - 5 times a week.
I eat a healthy, balanced diet.
I pay off my Visa statement each month.
I enjoy working hard.
I love nonprofit accounting.
I enjoy school.
I find it easy to unwind and relax.
I never gossip.
This is the best blog entry you have written to date.
This took a lot of courage and looking deep into yourself. I am proud of you.
I forgot one section in my April Advice...
Rhi - Rhi will be there for you more than you ever deserve HOWEVER you/Dane will bail her out in her time of need. She will be the trooper she always is. She will never judge you for what you will do this summer nor will she ever stand in your way of learning a lesson. Instead she will, as always, be right there next to you as you take the fall, or the plunge, or the whatever. And though it was a hard decision for everyone to make and then deal with the outcome, you and Rhi did make the right decision(s) in the end.
I am not here to judge you, I am here to be your friend and love you unconditionally.
I will always be there for you. You and Mr. Man are my family and all I can do is let you know that I will stand by both of you through thick and thin.
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