Letter to Myself

To December 29th, 2007 Crystal Ewers:

Hi - I hope this finds you well. I've been wondering - now that it's been almost a year from your surgery, what do you think? Are you glad you did it? What about the payments you make -how has that treated you? What about work? Do you still lie awake a night torturing yourself over your conversations with Karen, Donielle, and Stefan? Do you still open your big mouth and fight the "oppression from the man"? Do you even work at TSA anymore? Do you think yourself silly for the stink you caused last year? Did it do any good or did you learn to just shut up? Have you stuck to the vegan diet/lifestyle and working out? Did you lose weight? What was the wedding like? Did all your plans pan out? How is the MBA program? I'm really scared of it right now. Are you still scared? Do you still dream big? Are we still going to be a lawyer and CPA or hold a PhD? Do we still foster cats? How's Dane? How's his WOW character? Hee hee. Do you still talk to RBMBA? How are your CO friends.

I guess I have more questions than advice or things to say. But how can I possibly have anything to say to you? You will learn it in your own time when you're ready and I could type till I ran out of blog and a) not know what I was talking about and b) you still wouldn't learn. I hope for both our sakes that you eventually learn to calm or control your fire. I love our fire but I'm beginning to think that we are quickly out-wearing out "youthful" excuse. Eventually you need to learn class and tact. We have the passion, motivation, and drive, now we need to refine it and really work it so we can get what we want without burning bridges.

Why is it so fucking easy for other people to just KNOW this shit?! Why has it taken you/us so effing long to figure it out?! Why can Dane and HG just know how to fight and stand up for themselves and have sound arguments and solid thought processes and you struggle to not cry like a baby when your upset. You better figure this shit out by this time next year or I'll - YOU'LL, be seriously put off!!

How's the Dewey!?!? *swoon*

Sincerely,

Crystal and Jebis
December 29th, 2006
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Dear Crystal and Jebis,

Thank you for the kind letter. Now that it has been almost a year since my surgery I can say that it was one of the best decisions I've ever made. I look and feel great. I am disappointed that I've gained some weight back after all I've done to improve my condition but now I will just have to work harder to get and keep the weight off. Financially I've managed to make the payments and it's not so bad. Though I do think once the wedding and Egypt is paid off I'll transfer debt to take advantage of a lower interest rate.

Work is going well, though I'm in a different job than I was when you wrote the letter. I work for Treehouse now and it's going great, I'm back to a smaller, more focused nonprofit and I couldn't be happier. I work when I want, get a ton of time off, more money, better people, better location, I even have a parking spot! And no, I don't torture myself about the conversations I once had w/ LD, DM, and Stefan. LD is still a hooch, DM is moving on, and Stefan is reaping what he sowed. Ahh - the oppression from the "man". I do still open my mouth but even in the last year I've learned to curb what I say and focus on getting my point across without increasing the decible level of my voice. Mentioned above, I no longer work at TSA and I actually don't regret the stink I caused. Perhaps I could have handled it better, but in the end I think its funny. Stefan was so mad - I'd never seen him that mad before. It tickles me now because I don't have to deal with it and I got out of there. Maybe I'd feel different if I were still there.

I haven't stuck to the vegan diet. I did really well through March but I was having a very difficult time healing from the surgery and the doc finally got fed up and said I needed to eat animal protein - be that from eggs, cheese, milk, whatever. I immediately gained back all the weight I'd lost being vegan but I'll have to admit - Mama loves her cheese.

The wedding was beautiful - wouldn't have changed a thing. It was pulled off exactly as planned and it was one of the best times of my life.

Still in the MBA program. My grades have been gradually decreasing but I do have an A+ in this class so far. I'm not scared anymore but very tired of school. I have worked out a new homework plan that works out very well though. I am a little nervous for the all online accounting classes, but what can you do? I'm not so sure I dream big anymore. I've definitely decided I'm done with school for a while now. So no PhD, at least in the near future. I will definitely get my CPA, that's not even up for debate. As for a law degree...that still sounds somewhat enticing, but again - I want a nice long break from school so I can travel and such.

We haven't fostered cats since Nov when we added One Eyed Willie to the group. I'm not sure if we will start fostering again or not. We kinda like the quiet. We'll see though, it was nice to foster cats.

Dane is good - his career is going well. He's now the manager of his department and this week he's in CA training his crew. He still plays WOW and in fact we got in to it the other night because he can't come to bed at a decent hour.

Of course I still talk to RBMBA - all that jazz with TSA blew right over us and we were left with a great foundation for a fun friendship. CO friends are good. Amy lives in Tampa now and I'm going to visit her next week. Sarah is still in CO and doing well.

As for what you say next, you are correct. It's funny because I can probably draw a timeline: in my younger years I didn't know I was so out there and blatant. Then I didn't care that I was. Then I wanted to change it but didn't know how. Then I realized it had to change. This past year has been a transition from knowing I've needed to change and actually changing. This year a refinement of the refinement is what I'm working on. More class and tact, less yelling, less cussing, less losing my head. It's starting to become a part of my make up and I bet by next year I'll be even better at keeping my cool.

HA! The next paragraph is even better! Don't worry C, you've figured it out. You aren't there yet - but you are learning and you are making progress. :-)

Till next year,

CJE 2007