5 Long Years Ago

5 long years ago this time on a Wednesday at 2:30 pm I was asleep on the hospital floor of my daughter's room in ICU. In fact it was about this time that Social Services came in and informed me that should Isis survive, she would not allowed to remain in my care, though I had nothing to do with her injuries. It was with that that I held my little girls hand, it was already very cold, and told her to leave. Mommy couldn't take care of her anymore and it was better if she went to God than hung out here. I gave her a big kiss and soaked her face with my tears. Then I went back to sleep on the cold tile, still holding her hand. Within hours the doctors told me there was nothing more they could do, Isis was brain dead. My friends took me away from the hospital to get some time to think about what the next step was. Plus the doctors needed to run a few more tests. We walked to Starbucks and there I had my first latte, in fact it was my first Starbucks purchase ever. I remember sitting in a chair, dazed, not drinking my beverage - just sitting. My friends bustled around me, talking about who to call, when to have the service, who was going to pick me up some clothes to wear, where was I going to stay, what would happen to Kevin (the man responsible for my daughter's condition). A man, with an entourage of his own, sat staring at me. I don't know how long, but I know that I could feel it but I was too numb to care or act on it. Finally he did. He came over into our space and bent down on knee. He had the most compassion in his eyes that I had ever seen. He said he had been watching me for awhile and he wasn't sure what was going on in my life but it was clear that I could use a hug and a prayer. He asked me if it would be okay for him and his group to pray for me. I thanked him and asked if he and his group could pray for Isis first. We traipsed back to the ICU and prayed for Isis, exchanged hugs, and the man gave me his card. He was the youth pastor for the most prominent church in Denver, Church in the City. I still think of that man today. I even made a contribution to his ministry after I received my motorcycle settlement. I wonder if he realizes the impact he had on me that day.

At any rate, if my memories serve me correctly, Peck let us stay at her house on Wednesday night. Of all the days in the world for Isis to die on, it seems very cruel to me that it would be on my father's birthday. To this day I don't think he recognizes his birthday as today. I will send him a card next week.

When I think back to October 2001 and who I as and what happened and how I reacted and how others responded to my reactions, I don't know what to say or how to explain them. It seems so simple to me now what was going on and how I should have responded. I don't know why I sacraficed so much of myself, and my child, for an apparition. An image. An illusion. I don't think I will ever truly know what happened to Isis, I don't even know if Kevin knows what he did. I do know that every day I miss my daughter so much. It's not fair. Nothing ever is, but I really don't think it's fair that Isis will never get to experience all the wonderful things that life has to offer. She will never play soccer on a muddy field after the ran, she will never go to the prom, she will never try sushi, never read a good book, never have long talks with lovers, friends, or family.

I often daydream of Detective Gretchen interrupting me at work during a meeting or something and telling me that through me crazed mistake, Isis has been alive this whole time and they found her and are bringing her back to me. Over the years I've had to adapt this dream to match her current day age (6 years old now) and it's always sad to realize that with each passing year she would not recognize me and it would be harder and harder for her to get over her sordid past and get to know me. Then I cry at the thought of all the lost time. Not only for her, but for us. I daydream that someday Kevin will wake me up with his usual kiss and cup of coffee and I'll smell the breakfast he'd made for us and the girls (mine in a to-go container to take to work) and realize I have 5 minutes to get ready and it's all a bad dream, the past 5 years hasn't really happened and I still have a 15 month old and a wonderful boyfriend with a 15 month old as well.

Then I think about Dane. I'd give anything up to have Isis back, but I'm not sure I'd let go of Dane so easily. He's been my rock through all this with Isis, I don't think I could do it without him. Anyway - Isis is never coming back and Dane is my everything and that is reality. And the reality of it isn't so bad.