Beta Wha?

So I just converted my blog over to Beta expecting to see new options and fun ways I can customize my blog like I've seen other people do and I see no difference. :-( Help?

See this is what happens when I have no school, no work, and haven't restarted my exercise regime. I'm left with hours to kill each night and not a clue how to spend the time. But I love it!

My Daughter - Isis

One week before she died. She loved that teddy bear. I still have it with me. That's the teddy bear her father and I made for her at Build-A-Bear. What a sweethart.

5 Long Years Ago

5 long years ago this time on a Wednesday at 2:30 pm I was asleep on the hospital floor of my daughter's room in ICU. In fact it was about this time that Social Services came in and informed me that should Isis survive, she would not allowed to remain in my care, though I had nothing to do with her injuries. It was with that that I held my little girls hand, it was already very cold, and told her to leave. Mommy couldn't take care of her anymore and it was better if she went to God than hung out here. I gave her a big kiss and soaked her face with my tears. Then I went back to sleep on the cold tile, still holding her hand. Within hours the doctors told me there was nothing more they could do, Isis was brain dead. My friends took me away from the hospital to get some time to think about what the next step was. Plus the doctors needed to run a few more tests. We walked to Starbucks and there I had my first latte, in fact it was my first Starbucks purchase ever. I remember sitting in a chair, dazed, not drinking my beverage - just sitting. My friends bustled around me, talking about who to call, when to have the service, who was going to pick me up some clothes to wear, where was I going to stay, what would happen to Kevin (the man responsible for my daughter's condition). A man, with an entourage of his own, sat staring at me. I don't know how long, but I know that I could feel it but I was too numb to care or act on it. Finally he did. He came over into our space and bent down on knee. He had the most compassion in his eyes that I had ever seen. He said he had been watching me for awhile and he wasn't sure what was going on in my life but it was clear that I could use a hug and a prayer. He asked me if it would be okay for him and his group to pray for me. I thanked him and asked if he and his group could pray for Isis first. We traipsed back to the ICU and prayed for Isis, exchanged hugs, and the man gave me his card. He was the youth pastor for the most prominent church in Denver, Church in the City. I still think of that man today. I even made a contribution to his ministry after I received my motorcycle settlement. I wonder if he realizes the impact he had on me that day.

At any rate, if my memories serve me correctly, Peck let us stay at her house on Wednesday night. Of all the days in the world for Isis to die on, it seems very cruel to me that it would be on my father's birthday. To this day I don't think he recognizes his birthday as today. I will send him a card next week.

When I think back to October 2001 and who I as and what happened and how I reacted and how others responded to my reactions, I don't know what to say or how to explain them. It seems so simple to me now what was going on and how I should have responded. I don't know why I sacraficed so much of myself, and my child, for an apparition. An image. An illusion. I don't think I will ever truly know what happened to Isis, I don't even know if Kevin knows what he did. I do know that every day I miss my daughter so much. It's not fair. Nothing ever is, but I really don't think it's fair that Isis will never get to experience all the wonderful things that life has to offer. She will never play soccer on a muddy field after the ran, she will never go to the prom, she will never try sushi, never read a good book, never have long talks with lovers, friends, or family.

I often daydream of Detective Gretchen interrupting me at work during a meeting or something and telling me that through me crazed mistake, Isis has been alive this whole time and they found her and are bringing her back to me. Over the years I've had to adapt this dream to match her current day age (6 years old now) and it's always sad to realize that with each passing year she would not recognize me and it would be harder and harder for her to get over her sordid past and get to know me. Then I cry at the thought of all the lost time. Not only for her, but for us. I daydream that someday Kevin will wake me up with his usual kiss and cup of coffee and I'll smell the breakfast he'd made for us and the girls (mine in a to-go container to take to work) and realize I have 5 minutes to get ready and it's all a bad dream, the past 5 years hasn't really happened and I still have a 15 month old and a wonderful boyfriend with a 15 month old as well.

Then I think about Dane. I'd give anything up to have Isis back, but I'm not sure I'd let go of Dane so easily. He's been my rock through all this with Isis, I don't think I could do it without him. Anyway - Isis is never coming back and Dane is my everything and that is reality. And the reality of it isn't so bad.

Can I Go Out And Play?

Well I am making progress on the fiscal closing schedule though I keep getting stuff to impede said progress. At this point I will be working non-stop (now that I finished the 13 page team paper for school - my last assignment for my bachelor's degree!) on the stuffs that I need to finish in order to leave work on Friday early to attend the museum w/ Amy. We want to visit the Dead Sea Scrolls exhibit, the "spooky" butterflies set, and the Mysterys of Egypt IMAX. I *hope* that I can get everything done so I can go out an play.

I am in the bottom stretch of the fiscal close and things are coming along nicely. It will be so nice to start with a fresh set of books and move forward without all the yuckiness of the past with my units.

In other news, Dane got some distressing news that will leave us even more tight when it comes to money. Everytime I think we are in the clear another issue rears its ugly head and we are forced back two spaces. I keep thinking that in two years all will be okay and we will be able to live normally. I told Dane that this time *I* get the next toy and in three years *we* will purchase me a new car as a master's gift to myself. I'm all hot and bothered over the convertible hard top Volvo. If/when we get the Volvo we will take the tourist package which includes two tickets to Sweden to visit the Volvo assembly place, take our car around Europe and take it back to the States as a used car and avoid some of the taxes and other export fees. I can't wait.

The wedding plans are still coming along, not much to report there.

I'm really looking forward to tomorrow and this weekend when Amy comes to town. It will be nice to have some girl time and hang out and do fun stuff that I've been deprived of for awhile.

Still left to do: hang my clothes up, shower, shave. I think tonight after I read my book for awhile I will commence shaving. Showering will be saved for tomorrow and my clothes will just have to wait. I'm right at the good part of my Dean Koontz book - Intensity.

BYYAAAHH!!! Rant

So I am proud of myself. I've already signed off on the "closing checklist" board this week. I've put in a few extra hours (okay - a little cheating, I know) but it feels good to know that even though I never sent out August finals (and in some cases July) I am ahead of the game on the fiscal closing schedule. Tomorrow = issue SS, prelims for Sept (and include a note that says thru Aug might as well be materially complete less some GIK and other journal moves), and start the rest of the Sept bank recs. Once that is done, I can focus on the smaller things like tying A/P (A/R is done), reserves, WS, and the other random stuff I can't think of right now. After that I can fart around with other people's units to help them close.

If nothing else in my quest for being a superstar (ie: no raise and/or upward movement - not that I'm expecting a promotion any time soon, there's no where to go) I will set the bar higher for all the other CFA's. Checking off my stuff to be complete well before the time limit and eventually helping others will set a standard, if not for the others, for the managment to see that it can be done, regardless of seniority. It pisses me off that TB spends all day (I'm not kidding her shortest phone conversation, business or otherwise, is around 30 minutes - I keep a log because I can hear everyword she says) and DM - who knows what DM does all day but I know that RB (our BOSS) is doing her work to keep her from getting so bogged down the rest of us are punished. I'm not all high and mighty but I do think we can raise our standards a bit in the department and get off the "oh woe is me I'm so overwhelmed I can't do my work" kick, especially when yes, we are overwhelmed, but we can also get our work done.

Rant is over. On to Amy's visit:

Thursday: Amy arrives just in time for us to rendez vous w/ the gang at Noc Noc for LR's burlesque performance.
Friday: Amy will take the bus down (I need to ask HG if I can buy her a latte in exchange for bus tickets) to Pacific Center so HG and I can cut out of work early and hit the Dead Sea Scrolls exhibit and then happy hour and then off to Greenwood/Ballard for a nice vegetarian meal then who knows after that. Maybe bowling, maybe karaoke - its up for grabs.
Saturday: School - LAST CLASS OF MY BACHELORS!! Then girl time at the local salon for manicures, pedicures, a haircut, and maybe facial. Yes HG, I'm finally going to take care of my horrid feet. :-) Then we will have a party at the Huish household where I will take a leave of absynths (pun intended) and Jebis to the power of 3 (or so) will take over.
Sunday: Recover, send Amy home.

Then I take time off to paint, go for walks, do whatever as I will be 100% caught up on work, no homework to do, and my checkbook will be balanced.

This week I want to go to the Ladybug place on Friday the 13th. Dun dun dunnnnnn!!! This is the creepiest looking place in the world, seriously - it looks like the kind of place that you walk into but never come out (as told by HG). She googled the Ladybug Man in Seattle and discovered he sells frozen ladybugs and math books. Definitely worth the freak factor on Friday the 13th if you ask me.

I'm going to google the Ladybug man now.

Challenge

Okay - just a quick post to put the "Challenge" out there. After discussing with some friends, I realized that I am the only one who has tasted Absynthe yet not vomitted. Though in MR's defense, he had THREE shots and then got in the hot tub, where I only had two and got in the hot tub only to immediately jump out face first onto the concrete below. Oh, and I guess Steven kept his down, but he didn't already have a belly full of alcohol gurggling around. Under the same circumstances, I know of only one other individual who has kept the green goo down.

So there it is: The October 21st Keep Your Absynthe Down Challenge. Whose up for the challenge?

Conditioning

I have always felt that our media shapes and conditions our minds for things to come so that when the things we see on TV that we find outrageous and unbelievable become items in use every day on a mass level it is not such a shock. Case in point: cell phones. I remember in the 80's we started seeing the concept and idea of mobile phones. The first time I saw that, even as a young child, I thought it was unbelievable. Then by the early 90's mobile phones were starting to come around. By the late 90's, most everyone had one.

I think the government does this with aliens, their technology, all sorts of things. Think of Minority Report, how long before half that shit really becomes enforced?

This particular post is dedicated to hover cars. Dane believes that when he's old and crotchety everything will be hover. Cars, bikes, boats, coffee machines - you name it. Well on TV tonight the new GM commercials show the cars being lifted out of traffic and moving forward in the air. The concept isn't that they are producing a hover car, but that their warranty is innovative. What I took out of it was the first hard core piece of conditioning that cars are moving forward to embrace the sky. I bet within 50 years we will see a change to a new type of vehicle.