I have guilt. I basically spent the better part of an hour barking at HG. I wasn't ever barking AT her, but I was barking TO her and rather pointedly and how can you not take that personally to some degree. I also feel like I often corner her into awkward positions where she might be pressured to say what I want her to say rather than the truth. Case in point: I want to take on the world at TSA and she's not as sure about it as I am. And justifiably so - she knows the name of the game better than I do and she's also been around when I've been overwhelmed and flustered and crazy. I feel like she feels that she can't tell me what's really on her mind for fear of me blowing up.
Which brings me to my next point. Dane feels like he can't talk to me either. Apparently I'm this big, bad monster that can't be spoken to at all without going off the deep end. And it doesn't matter if I have valid points or not, because I get "passionate" I get discounted. I lose my cool once or twice and all of a sudden I can't be talked to, I can't have responsibility, you can't say _____ when I'm around. GGGGGRRRRRRR!!!
I am human! I make mistakes! I have outstanding qualities! I get emotional! I get cold as ice! I'm all of the above all the time, so it's not fair to rule things out because of one particular state of mind I may be in. And if I do get out of control, laugh at me! Poke me with a stick! Tell me I'm out of line! Do something other than act like I can't be spoken to or reasoned with. One of the best characteristics about me = I'm always trying to please and impress people. If you tell me I'm out of line (in a reasonable way, not "YOU ARE OUT OF CONTROL!!" that will get me psycho) then I will back off and stabilize. Why? Cause I want to make you happy bottom line.
Having said all that, I don't like when I do get overly passionate and I always reconsider my actions later. I wished I hadn't been so loud with HG this afternoon, even though she was totally cool with it and understands it. I really wish I hadn't been so loud with Dane last night (what most of this blog is about and directed to - not you HG, but you already knew about the Dane Momma Drama). All is well that ends well, but definitely a lesson learned for me.
Another lesson learned - watch what I say and how I say it and how I take other people's reactions. I got butt hurt over life today over something stupid and then I dragged an innocent person into my own created drama and got them concerned and they justifiably acted on their concern which turned into a bigger drama that was all started with me. My bad. I get tender about certain issues and tend to be very irrational when I feel threatened or even slightly proded surrounding certain sensitive issues. I need to back the eff off and calm down already.
Work: I want to take on more and 2 of my 3 KC officers want me back on their books and I think I can take it on and keep most of my new/current portfolio. HG had some good suggestions though that I will definitely spend the remainder of Sept focusing on. Thhaaaannkkss HG! My review is actually next week - I wonder how it will go.....
School: OMG - are we there YET?! I have "senioritis" so bad. I just want to be done. 6 weeks. Can you believe it?
Home: I've been at BD, TKD, and working on school so much that I haven't seen Dane and when I did we argued. He's been out of town and will be out of town for most of the month of September. I guess it's a good time considering work and all. Hmm, that makes it seem like we argue a lot. We got in one. But we've been so busy we've had little one on one time. We will this weekend though after our filing party at HG's house.
Congrats: to HG and MR for 4 years of marriage. Maybe 5. Or 3. I forget but I at least know it's their anniversary on the 9th.
Happy: birthday to Peck whose celebrating her big 3-0 on the 11th.
Hugs: to Sarah and MJ and Chance - I need an update on his first week of school!
Drink clink and tink: to Amy whom I haven't talked to in eons BUT who is coming up in about a month!! WHOOOO HOOOOO!! I talked to LR and she's going to make a special point to be working that night. Which two acts should I ask for? She's got a BD number that's AWESOME (Dane's fav), a chair dance that's all Latin like, a pink number that has plenty of flair, a snow queen act that I have yet to see, and my personal favorite Is That All There Is? a spooky, spunky act that is amazing to see.
Diet: not going well. I kinda dropped the ball and gained the weight. I'm back at it full time though now, and I've cut back on the calories dramatically. We'll see how well that goes. I am so heavy right now, I'm the heaviest I've ever been in my life. I'm less than 10lbs from the weight I was at the day I delievered Isis. How bad is that? *sigh* And I can only blame myself and horrible eating habits. Between BD and TKD I should lose weight, right? And eventually I will get back to yoga, I swear it.
That's all for now. More as the week and weekend wear on.
5 comments:
Dearheart...don't be so hard on yourself, but I know what you mean. I get a lot of grief for being so "sensetive" - Fthat! I'm just me, sensetive or not, I react strongly and from the heart...I know no other way. You are the same. But like you, I often reconsider my reactions later if I feel I have some how wroned somone.
Sorry for lack of update, part of it is that I don't have much computer access at the moment...that's all about too chance. I got a Dell DUUUDE! Sweet! My brand new freaking rocking ass system should be in next week, which is sorely needed at home b/c not only has my communications with others been sorely lacking, my blogg has also suffered greatly.
Peck is only turning 30? Ok, NOW I do feel old. WTF? Why aren't you all getting old WITH ME! :)
All is well on the home front, into the 3rd week of school now and Max is doing pretty good over all. Very bratty yesterday, but today is a new day and so I will not go into his rudeness of yesterday.
Will update more when I can.
And if it makes you feel any better, I AM at the weight I was when I had Max! Can you believe it? Remember, it comes and goes...it's just life, but we ARE lovely ladies in spite of our jean size. BTW: I started Weight Watchers again and I'm determined to get to a reasonable weight before Cabos.
Love ya, will write more soon.
Dearheart...don't be so hard on yourself, but I know what you mean. I get a lot of grief for being so "sensetive" - Fthat! I'm just me, sensetive or not, I react strongly and from the heart...I know no other way. You are the same. But like you, I often reconsider my reactions later if I feel I have some how wroned somone.
Sorry for lack of update, part of it is that I don't have much computer access at the moment...that's all about too chance. I got a Dell DUUUDE! Sweet! My brand new freaking rocking ass system should be in next week, which is sorely needed at home b/c not only has my communications with others been sorely lacking, my blogg has also suffered greatly.
Peck is only turning 30? Ok, NOW I do feel old. WTF? Why aren't you all getting old WITH ME! :)
All is well on the home front, into the 3rd week of school now and Max is doing pretty good over all. Very bratty yesterday, but today is a new day and so I will not go into his rudeness of yesterday.
Will update more when I can.
And if it makes you feel any better, I AM at the weight I was when I had Max! Can you believe it? Remember, it comes and goes...it's just life, but we ARE lovely ladies in spite of our jean size. BTW: I started Weight Watchers again and I'm determined to get to a reasonable weight before Cabos.
Love ya, will write more soon.
I don't want to pick, I want it to be a surprise. Pick your two favorites for me. :-)
I cannot WAIT to see you! I miss you soooo much - and your honesty and passion which you make sound so evil here - they are not!
It really makes a difference in a relationship when you can have that quiet time together. If it's just here and there, it tends to be all business and people get cranky.
Ce - you of all people shouldn't feel the need to apologize for barking TO me. I'm sure I bark TO you alot too on these drives (THE IDIOTS!!! THE IDIOTS!!!). We all have things that get us ramped up to the point of raising our voices.
Anyway, I love you!! (Well, isn't THAT an interesting blog confession?) Other than the Super Fabulous Hub, you're my best bud.
As for LR's acts, you know which one I vote for - I've still got that damn song in my head (ah ah ah ah ahhhhh). F*ck - now I'll never get rid of it! She's got so many good ones, it should be a showcase for LR.
Got to get back to work, smell ya later!
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