Today would have been Isis's 6th birthday. It's very hard for me to imagine having a 6 year old. I just can't picture it, with Isis or with any child. I think in a lot of ways what I've been through with Isis aged me a couple lifetimes but in other ways it has taken me back a few years. And by that I mean that I don't live a lifestyle befitting of a mother. Do I think that if I had a child that I would act the same, absolutely not. Does that mean I regret how I act now or think I'm immature, never. Anyway, it's just hard to picture me with a 6 year old. I wonder what she'd look like, act like, talk like. I wonder what she'd have interests in. I wonder if she'd be a pain or if she'd be a quiet little princess like she was. I wonder if I'd still be with Kevin and Madison. I wonder if I would have finished school. It's funny, the day Isis was taken to the hospital I filled out my FAFSA forms to try and get into school. And then she died and all that went to the wayside. Eventually I went back to school and now, five years later to the f*cking day I will graduate with a BA. To the exact day. How odd is that?
I also think about how everything has happened on important dates. Isis died on Dad's b-day. I got in my motorcycle accident on my parents anniversary. And I know a couple other court dates and such happened on important days. Even Theo (my best friend's first son) shares the same birthday as Dane and he died on the same date my niece was born. Just weirdness. And now Merle passed on today. I'm so very glad she had a quicker passing than was expected but I'm so very sad that she has moved on. I have to pause and consider the date it's on.
All in all, I miss Isis and think about her everyday and wish I had her in my life. I would give it all up to have her back. I usually try to do something in her honor and celebration around her birthday and save the mourning for her passing anniversary. So I will make it a point this weekend to see the Blue Angels. That's something I'd do with her. Maybe I'll even use my coupons and go to the aquarium or zoo. We used to go to the zoo in Denver for her birthday anniversary.
Today is a heavy heart day.
2 comments:
Happy Birthday, indeed. I wanted to thank you for sharing the story with me the other week. It really made me feel special that you thought enough to give that little piece of yourself.
I was just thinking if there had been any news about Merle when I came in this morning, and then when I walk in, Susan and RB tell me about it. I think that (maybe next weekend) we should go eat at Crow. She said it was Howard's favorite restaurant and it was down the street from the previous apartment. She'd always ask me if we'd gone yet, and I'd always say no. So I'm going to make it a point to go do that next payday.
It is a heavy heart day - but a sorrow shared is lessened. Gee, HG - get your own stinking blog!
Hee hee - a blog on a blog is quite common. I would love to go to Crow next weekend.
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