So I got to looking through my blog. Not sure how it started, I was just taking a slight break and then next thing I know, 20 minutes is gone reviewing the last year of my life. I look at my posts from a year ago and I laugh! I miss that Crystal! What have I become?! What have I lost in order to get here? How can I get it back?! I"m not playful anymore. I'm not happy. I don't have spunk. I'm all business and it's boring.
Dane spent the better part of last night with another woman. I don't even pretend to know why. I don't even want to spend time with me, why would he? It's like - I try so hard to lose weight and be beautiful and be career minded and everything he wants me to be, but I find that I feel stiffled. I want to be pretty again. I want to be noticed. I don't know if I like this new, quiet Crystal. I spent the last six months convincing myself that I need to become this calm, quiet, mums-the-word person and now I resent it! WHAT HAPPENED TO ME!!!
What happened to the Crystal that spoke her mind? What happened to the Crystal that didn't get pushed around? What happened to the Crystal that was strong no matter what? The way I am now, you'd think a stiff breeze would blow me over and that's simply NOT my character. I used to talk. I used to smile and coerce others to smile too. I used to fit in.
So I'm going on on this blog about poor me and this and that and then I just had a great talk at work w/ Kimberly. We laughed, exchanged ideas and notes, and bonded. :-)
And then Amy sends me this:
"Dude I never thought about how much it must suck to be an earthworm... They come out of the ground when it is all moist and glistening and enticing... and then the rain stops. And the sun comes out. And the rain dries up. And they get all crispy before they can worm their way back home.
Do you think they have conscious thoughts (like "Oh sh*t!") and feelings of pain while they're frying?"
How can I be upset about my life after that?! D@mn Amy and her ruining my Seattle Angst!
2 comments:
Oh hon, sounds like you are having a tough time. Not surprisingly, it sounds something like what I feel I am struggling with in a way too. I wonder if it's the balance thing again? I am finding myself with many thoughts about what I've given up to be in the position I am now and I am happy and/or content with it? In many many ways, I certainly am but I have no doubt that I've given up some part of myself to go down this road and I am still trying very hard to decided if it's just me learning to compromise or me feeling lost in all that is going on around me? I am not sure, sounds like you aren't either.
I sense a general calmness about you and enjoy that vibe tremendously, but you certainly don't have too loose your spontaneity and various other interesting (albeit occasionally quirky :) qualities and perhaps with so much Spring in the air, your feelers are trying to feel out all this newness and rebirth?
I think the questions you ask are healthy. I am not pleased to hear of whatever the heck is going on with Dane, but I suspect I do not know all the detail and cannot make a comment based just on what you've put here.
I miss you though, I know that. These past few weeks more than ever.
Take it easy, keep ya head up yo.
Ok you had my utter sympathy till I read about the worm.
Now the worm has it.
Hehehe sorry I couldn't resist.
Hang in there and in a few weeks we can all sit and talk.
Hey YO I am on the B team.....I know you are giggling
keep ya head up and much luv to ya
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