*sigh* I hate and love my job so much I'm completely confused. I'm so stressed but as calm as I've ever been. I'm completely happy and utterly depressed with my life. What the eff, yo? :-)
Seriously though, we had a group CFA meeting this morning and got our asses handed to us. Between the FPP accts, the kettle season, and just the normal delays of the holidays, and then the backdraft of it all, all us CFA's are tardy on our financial reports and our boss got her ass handed to her from her boss, and we all know that sh*t rolls down yahtty yahtty yah...And I'm so behind it hurts. I am working every weekend and some weekday nights in March in order to catch up to "zero". This is so stressful, I can't even begin to explain. And I know all of it is brought on myself cause I have to be some perfectionist superhero or something. Geesh CJE - STOP YOUR STUPID SELF!!! So that's the part I hate. The part I love is how well I get along w/ my boss and the other CFA's. We are such a great team - everyone pulls for the other and there is so much support, it's amazing. And the bottom line - (and this is so great) no matter how upset the bosses get about stuff being tardy, they still love us and appreciate us to the hilt. We are CONSTANTLY encouraged and assured that we are in no "permenant" danger. I love that. In past jobs I've always feared being fired. Not here. Love that!
So I've managed to cut the "fat" from my life to the point that I have more free time than I've ever known what to do with. By cut the fat I mean that I've whiddled my schedule down to work, working out, homework, and freetime only. No more nails, very few tanning sessions, no friends to meet with (in town anyway), no away-from-home yoga or belly dancing (that's all done at the house now). Nothing but time. Of course the majority of it is now allocated to homework and work work, but I need that time right now. The rest of the time is split between much needed relaxation, painting, yoga, reading, and playing with kitties. So while I'm stressed over work and school, that's all I'm stressed about.
As for happiness - I really do love it here. I don't plan on leaving for a while. I laugh because everyone always talks about Seattle and the rain. So there is rain, but not what I psyched myself out for so it's been a pleasant surprise. And then everyone said I would miss the Rocky Mountains. Which I do and they are beautiful but if I look to the West, I can see the Olympic Range. If I look to the East, I can see the Cascades. If I look South, Mr. Mt. Rainer is all up in my business (most days - he's a slacker in the winter). If I look North, Mt. Baker sometimes says hello (she's shy). So I have everything here that I had in CO, but what I have here that I am learning I love so much is WATER!! How did I live 25 years of my life and not be around water? It's so beautiful!! And just the feel of this place - I feel at home here.
As for depression - I'm tired of talking about it or going into it. Let's just say it's old. It's disgusting. It's an absolute mockery of me and of us. It's fake, it's phony. And I hate myself for backing myself into a place that I can't get out of. I'm counting on a few key individuals right now to pull through for me, and once they do - well, we will leave that for the jury. *I realize this last part is about as vague as can be. But I know what it's about. For anyone else, insert any Supreme Court case you would like. Think of it as an amusing mad lib. After all, what more can anyone do but laugh?
1 comment:
Of COURSE you love the water sweetness, your an Aquarius! We may be Air signs, but we are most definately attracted to water...even strong than some water signs:) It represents fluidity, communication, progressive thought and calm...it also represents the massiveness of global thought, which we Aquari's are pretty intuned to.
Additionaly dear one, another sad but true trait of the Aquarian tends to be perfectionism. Unreachable expectations of ones self and others. I have learned through the years that my perfectionism has much more to do with my need to control things and wanting things a certain way, that's just me though. I've grown out of that, quite a bit actually...especially when I look at my younger years in college and when I first began working...I would push myself to insanity trying to make everything just so.
I'm glad you are happy at your work, I know it's stressing you out but it sounds like a positive experience over all and that's fantastic.
Someone once told me, recently actually when I was feeling so completely depressed and I could not for the life of me figure out what it was about...I said "I don't know what's wrong with me? I'm happy, but I'm so frustrated and feel incredibley down." She said, "Honey, just having a hard time being happy or what?"
Ding ding...this struck a chord for me. For the first time in I don't know how long, my life had somehow fell into a place of true contentment and joy. It was the first time I didn't have something HUGE to worry about or fret over. This was an unfammiliar and freakish feeling and I panicked.
I am not devalidating your feelings, I know they are real...but I would invite you to take a bigger picture look, from outside yourself and your surroundings and your current situation.
One more thing, yes I understand the feeling of being backed into a corner. It's a creepy feeling, but you are not...you have choices sweety, many. Your life is wide open right now, I mean like you can pick your destiny and roll with it....you have free will.
love ya, hang in there momma.
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