Well I'm 26. Doesn't feel any different yet I feel a world apart from the "me" who turned 25 a year ago. For starters I'm a lot heavier than I was a year ago. By almost 20 lbs to be exact. I attribute a lot of the gain to quitting smoking and starting eating in excess. Now that that is under control, I'm left with the overwhelming results. I think I might have a thyroid problem and I intend to see the doctor about it. All the symptons and signs point to it, including the rapid weight gain even when I have been eating well under 1500 calories a day and burning off an extra 250 - 500 5 times a week. Completely unexplainable and unexceptable.
Then there's my relationship with Dane. A year ago I thought a proposal was just around the corner and was told that he was waiting for enough money to buy a nice ring. After a year and not a peep, I inquired to learn he thought I was serious when I said I wanted 2+ carats on a platinum band. I also said that each year he waits, the carat value goes up (which would mean we'd be at 5 carats). Somehow he realized that was a joke and not the other. So when I asked him about what he thought I would have said if he presented a less than 2 carat diamond ring, he couldn't answer. I persued even more and said - "if you thought I would decline based on ring size then not only do you not know me, but why would YOU be with a woman like that?!" Honestly, and this is very hard for me to say, feel, and understand, but I don't think he has any intention of marrying me. This is a hard pill to swallow because I have been with this man for over 4 years now, we are in our 5th year together. I moved across the country, away from all my friends and family and put a HUGE damper on my schooling, to be with him and support him in the greatest opportunity of his life. I've built my life around him (thanks to Stevie Nicks for such a wonderful phrase and song) and now I'm watching it for the first time without a shrowd of disillusionment. After all this time I look around me and see that I have been trying to go over "here" and Dane has been over "there" this whole time with absolutely no ambition or intention of going over "here" with me.
So I'm left with the following options: #1 - stay with Dane because I'd rather be with him and not married than #2 be without him and single. I've thought long and hard on this and I still haven't made up my mind. Marriage to me is very important and I think at this point I've devalidated it by staying w/ someone so long without making it official. However, is that all a pipe dream that's stuffed down the minds of young girls? Should I be liberated of that? I don't know. I know that the past month or better I've felt very fake and not myself around Dane. I feel like I'm in his life simply because I'm what's comfortable. I know I'm loved. But I don't feel anything else. No lust, no desire, no passion, no interest, no care, no nothing. Just a simple "I love you cause you are here and you put up with me" And I'm seriously quoting him. Honestly that doesn't cut it for me. I want a rip your clothes off, take charge (in a sexy way), I need you kind of man. *sigh*
It's sad really. So between my weight, my insecurities with Dane, and my mind-throbbing j-o-b I'm not in the best place right now. I will continue to work on my weight, and I will continue to simply exist in Dane's life, and I will continue to plug away at work. I know, better than most perhaps, that only time will tell which way I am to go. Till then my depression and blubber shall keep me company.
2 comments:
Happy 26!
Maybe your blubber and my blubber can hang out some time? LOL....KIDDING:)
I've seen pictures of your Crys, you look beautiful as ever and I want you to quit with that negative self-talk. I understand though, I am battling the same thing (no smoking, massive quantities of cheese, doh!) but I am plugging away and you should too. Go to the doc though, you don't want to run the risk of all this effort when you could have an easily addressed road block.
As for D-Man, sigh...I'd be lying if I said this issue didn't concern me. Whatever your decision, I know it will be the best for you...but either way it could be a painful one. I think one primary point I'd like to make here though is that I've always been under the impression that Dane has great fears of marriage outside of your relationship and that this fact has little, if nothing to do with you...meaning his issues about committment I don't think are nessisarily personal. I think the very idea of any emotional suffering in the event a marriage doesn't work out is totally devestating to him...but he acts very indifferent to the whole thing to avoid it. Just my two cents, which are always free:)
Anywho, hang in there girl and try to put in perspective all of your accomplishments, including your love with Dane...you've come along way baby:)
Darling, if you are a pound heavier, I didn't notice. I think that you are H-O-T, especially with your new hair color, I love it. Nonetheless, if you're not comfortable with yourself, then that needs to change - go to the doc, keep working out, until you feel as fabulous as we all know you are. :-)
Don't let the stress and the depression eat you up, luv. I'll come see you again soon and we'll tear it up and forget our troubles. :-)
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