It's time for another entry. Though I have nothing to report. Absolutely nothing. But I can make a semi-interesting list of facts:
1. The weekend in PDX went well, I had a great time with Dane. We did a little partying on Saturday and our fav Greek place - Dane got drunk! Not often that that happens. All in all it was a fun little getaway.
2. Work is going well, I am getting better and faster at closing even though it has still taken me a while to get through the muck of kettle season.
3. I am continuing to work out according to Rhi's Routine. My boss has even joined the gym and goes with me 2 - 3 times a week. And I've started doing yoga again, though I do it at home in my yoga/art room.
4. I have started on a watercolor painting lesson, good stuff.
5. I heard back from my doctor, who wants me to come in again for more testing.
6. I am becoming more and more anti-social. The more time I take to myself, the more cautious I am about who I spend my time with when I'm not with myself. I guess now that I've slowed down, I really appreciate the down low nature of everything and I've found that I don't welcome or want the previous drama that seemed to exist in my life in CO. Here in WA things are slow, at my pace. I love that.
7. Rhi is in town for a few hours this weekend. We should have a wonderful time watching Delilah and Laura Rose belly dance, then afterwards we will go out w/ LR for a while - I haven't seen her in a while either. Rhi will have just enough time for dinner, some chat, and to pack her car as full as she can before she's off to Denver and Dane and I are off to Tacoma for a game night.
8. I love that I have a fun relationship with my boss and colleages.
9. No new news from Mom & Dad.
10. Dewey is adorable.
That is all. Riviting, I know.
Thursday, February 23, 2006
Monday, February 13, 2006
Space Invaders
So I spent Saturday on the phone with Sarah. I miss her so much. There are very few people who I am really close to these days and she is still and always will be one of them. After talking to her, I talked to Mom, Jojo, and still needed to call Steven, Rhi, and Stacy but had to get ready for gay bingo, the theme being "from outer space". What a ball that was! We had a great time! I only had about 3 drinks but they were half alcohol so I was feeling pretty good. After the bingo game we decided to go to Jillian's (a low budget Dave & Busters look alike) and after another 2 long island iced teas I bent down to pick up a coin and the bouncer swooped in and took my drink, cutting me off. Shocked because I was no where near cut off status, a scene ensued. Now normally this is just the breaks of going out and drinking. You win some, you lose some. But this was in front of my boss and colleague. Oops. My boss thinks it's because I was wearing my space helmet all night.
I think about all the crazy things I've worn to places, a cape and star sunglasses to D&B, a pizza box to Mario's, my goth outfits, the Dr. Seuss hat my mom bought me, tons of crazy things and I've never gotten cut off. I guess in Seattle people are more uptight about that kind of thing and you are OBVIOUSLY drunk if you wear a silly hat. Whatever.
I apologized to my boss first thing this morning for causing a scene and she just laughed and said it was not a big deal at all. Then we made plans to go work out tonight. So all is well, but we are never going back to Jillian's. Freaks.
Other than that, not much to report. Dane and I are going to Portland this weekend for a Valentines Day celebration. I have class tomorrow so we can't even go to dinner. We are staying at the Jupiter for their lovers package, and I can't say too much but we got both the naughty and nice package which includes flowers and champagne in our room both days and an hour long massage for both of us as well as some other unmentionables. Dane is in charge of fun while we are there, but I suspect we will visit our favorite Greek restaurant, Chinese restaurant (yes.), and of course FUDDRUCKERS!!!! WHEEEE!!!!
Next week Ms. Rhi is in town for one night which we will spend at Kolbeh with Delilah and crew. Should be loads of fun. Then Sat night is game night in Tacoma w/ my boss. Good times.
I think about all the crazy things I've worn to places, a cape and star sunglasses to D&B, a pizza box to Mario's, my goth outfits, the Dr. Seuss hat my mom bought me, tons of crazy things and I've never gotten cut off. I guess in Seattle people are more uptight about that kind of thing and you are OBVIOUSLY drunk if you wear a silly hat. Whatever.
I apologized to my boss first thing this morning for causing a scene and she just laughed and said it was not a big deal at all. Then we made plans to go work out tonight. So all is well, but we are never going back to Jillian's. Freaks.
Other than that, not much to report. Dane and I are going to Portland this weekend for a Valentines Day celebration. I have class tomorrow so we can't even go to dinner. We are staying at the Jupiter for their lovers package, and I can't say too much but we got both the naughty and nice package which includes flowers and champagne in our room both days and an hour long massage for both of us as well as some other unmentionables. Dane is in charge of fun while we are there, but I suspect we will visit our favorite Greek restaurant, Chinese restaurant (yes.), and of course FUDDRUCKERS!!!! WHEEEE!!!!
Next week Ms. Rhi is in town for one night which we will spend at Kolbeh with Delilah and crew. Should be loads of fun. Then Sat night is game night in Tacoma w/ my boss. Good times.
Tuesday, February 07, 2006
I Don't Feel any Different
Well I'm 26. Doesn't feel any different yet I feel a world apart from the "me" who turned 25 a year ago. For starters I'm a lot heavier than I was a year ago. By almost 20 lbs to be exact. I attribute a lot of the gain to quitting smoking and starting eating in excess. Now that that is under control, I'm left with the overwhelming results. I think I might have a thyroid problem and I intend to see the doctor about it. All the symptons and signs point to it, including the rapid weight gain even when I have been eating well under 1500 calories a day and burning off an extra 250 - 500 5 times a week. Completely unexplainable and unexceptable.
Then there's my relationship with Dane. A year ago I thought a proposal was just around the corner and was told that he was waiting for enough money to buy a nice ring. After a year and not a peep, I inquired to learn he thought I was serious when I said I wanted 2+ carats on a platinum band. I also said that each year he waits, the carat value goes up (which would mean we'd be at 5 carats). Somehow he realized that was a joke and not the other. So when I asked him about what he thought I would have said if he presented a less than 2 carat diamond ring, he couldn't answer. I persued even more and said - "if you thought I would decline based on ring size then not only do you not know me, but why would YOU be with a woman like that?!" Honestly, and this is very hard for me to say, feel, and understand, but I don't think he has any intention of marrying me. This is a hard pill to swallow because I have been with this man for over 4 years now, we are in our 5th year together. I moved across the country, away from all my friends and family and put a HUGE damper on my schooling, to be with him and support him in the greatest opportunity of his life. I've built my life around him (thanks to Stevie Nicks for such a wonderful phrase and song) and now I'm watching it for the first time without a shrowd of disillusionment. After all this time I look around me and see that I have been trying to go over "here" and Dane has been over "there" this whole time with absolutely no ambition or intention of going over "here" with me.
So I'm left with the following options: #1 - stay with Dane because I'd rather be with him and not married than #2 be without him and single. I've thought long and hard on this and I still haven't made up my mind. Marriage to me is very important and I think at this point I've devalidated it by staying w/ someone so long without making it official. However, is that all a pipe dream that's stuffed down the minds of young girls? Should I be liberated of that? I don't know. I know that the past month or better I've felt very fake and not myself around Dane. I feel like I'm in his life simply because I'm what's comfortable. I know I'm loved. But I don't feel anything else. No lust, no desire, no passion, no interest, no care, no nothing. Just a simple "I love you cause you are here and you put up with me" And I'm seriously quoting him. Honestly that doesn't cut it for me. I want a rip your clothes off, take charge (in a sexy way), I need you kind of man. *sigh*
It's sad really. So between my weight, my insecurities with Dane, and my mind-throbbing j-o-b I'm not in the best place right now. I will continue to work on my weight, and I will continue to simply exist in Dane's life, and I will continue to plug away at work. I know, better than most perhaps, that only time will tell which way I am to go. Till then my depression and blubber shall keep me company.
Then there's my relationship with Dane. A year ago I thought a proposal was just around the corner and was told that he was waiting for enough money to buy a nice ring. After a year and not a peep, I inquired to learn he thought I was serious when I said I wanted 2+ carats on a platinum band. I also said that each year he waits, the carat value goes up (which would mean we'd be at 5 carats). Somehow he realized that was a joke and not the other. So when I asked him about what he thought I would have said if he presented a less than 2 carat diamond ring, he couldn't answer. I persued even more and said - "if you thought I would decline based on ring size then not only do you not know me, but why would YOU be with a woman like that?!" Honestly, and this is very hard for me to say, feel, and understand, but I don't think he has any intention of marrying me. This is a hard pill to swallow because I have been with this man for over 4 years now, we are in our 5th year together. I moved across the country, away from all my friends and family and put a HUGE damper on my schooling, to be with him and support him in the greatest opportunity of his life. I've built my life around him (thanks to Stevie Nicks for such a wonderful phrase and song) and now I'm watching it for the first time without a shrowd of disillusionment. After all this time I look around me and see that I have been trying to go over "here" and Dane has been over "there" this whole time with absolutely no ambition or intention of going over "here" with me.
So I'm left with the following options: #1 - stay with Dane because I'd rather be with him and not married than #2 be without him and single. I've thought long and hard on this and I still haven't made up my mind. Marriage to me is very important and I think at this point I've devalidated it by staying w/ someone so long without making it official. However, is that all a pipe dream that's stuffed down the minds of young girls? Should I be liberated of that? I don't know. I know that the past month or better I've felt very fake and not myself around Dane. I feel like I'm in his life simply because I'm what's comfortable. I know I'm loved. But I don't feel anything else. No lust, no desire, no passion, no interest, no care, no nothing. Just a simple "I love you cause you are here and you put up with me" And I'm seriously quoting him. Honestly that doesn't cut it for me. I want a rip your clothes off, take charge (in a sexy way), I need you kind of man. *sigh*
It's sad really. So between my weight, my insecurities with Dane, and my mind-throbbing j-o-b I'm not in the best place right now. I will continue to work on my weight, and I will continue to simply exist in Dane's life, and I will continue to plug away at work. I know, better than most perhaps, that only time will tell which way I am to go. Till then my depression and blubber shall keep me company.
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