Dane has always wondered - where do birds go to die? He remarked that you see thousands of live birds but comparatively low amounts of dead birds. Therein lies the question - where do birds go to die? As many of you may know - I have a complete and entirely irrational "thing" about birds. Don't know why, I just do. They always sit in large packs, just sitting, just doing NOTHING! As my long-ago friend once pointed out "they are plotting". I can tell you all the places the birds are here in WA - they are on the booies, on the 3 highway signs for Exits 2A and 2B plus the ferry sign, on the power lines by the Pacific Rim (the lines run BLACK with birds - I'm not lying!), and on the perimeter of the old, abandon brick building off I-5. And they are there everyday. Sitting. Waiting. All facing the same direction day in day out. Everyday. Sitting.
Clearly I need help, but let's not digress. So yesterday Dane drops me off and we see a crow picking at something that is determined to be the right wing of a bird - hello GROSS! But whatever, as Nigel says on Finding Nemo "birds gotta eat, fish gotta swim, right?" So today I'm walking to work and see another crow (probably the same cannibal) picking at something. When I walk next to it I see that it is the spine, breast bone and both wings of a bird hollowed out with bits of bloody, meaty flesh and full feathered wings. DISTURBING. So I take a picture with my phone and send it to Dane, answering his question - where do birds go when they die - they get eaten by other birds on the spot.
OMG - so I totally had this great metaphor for this story and I EFFING lost it in telling the damn thing! *smacks head* D'oh!!
Well the thing that is on my mind is old friends and altercations. Dane and I were talking about a friend of his that was a lot of fun and we had good times with. There was a falling out and we didn't talk for a while, but now that's all water under the bridge. Dane and him talk now, but it is always at bay and their friendship will never be the same. So naturally I thought of my friend divorces. *sigh* I don't take (never did) these divorces lightly and at times the aftermath wears on me. So often I've wondered how these people are, if they wonder about me, how things could have been, and "what if". I think about how things played out and what that means now.
More than anything I realize my mistakes. I realize that I didn't handle things well. I was a coward in many cases - most all of them. I sit here and wish I could talk to them, put a bandaid on "us" and make it better but I'm even too much of a coward for that. What was it - the lion on the Wizard of Oz that wanted courage? That's me. Actually if there was a combo WOO character that lacked all three, the courage, the heart and the brain - that would be me. Wait - there was one - the Wicked Witch of The West....Ironic that I live in the West? NO! Coincidental that my friends call me to sing the WWTW theme song? NO! (Actually ladies - that was funny and I still maintain that that would be my theme music if I could have theme music). I realize that I was very immature in my relationships. I realize that I had an agenda that including proving myself to be right all the time, proving to others that I know what I'm talking about (I don't), and that their ways are wrong (because mine are so right - *sarcasm*). I really lament how things turned out and wish I could go back and click "undo". The trouble is I can't.
What I have learned is to be cautious in my new relationships. I hesitate to say much to Jojo for fear that I will offend her or squander her budding relationship with her partner. I'm so afraid to say anything that it almost seems like I'm not listening - at least if I were her I'd feel like I was being blown off. Thing is - I think she's doing great and all her concerns are valid, run-of-the-mill issues that will blow over like a small storm. But I can't say that her problems are small and will fix themselves when it's very obvious that they aren't small at the time and she is in need of fix, even if that's just a friend smiling and saying "it will be okay". I just feel so confused. I'm torn by the thoughts and expressions of the friends in my past and the compassionate desire to help a friend a need. To be protective and comfort her. I'm so afraid I'll say the wrong thing and hurt her or she will have resentment for me that will take the shape of "F U C" months from now. I never want that again! I never wanted it to begin with! I'm anguished that I ever caused anyone so much grief! I'm so afraid to speak, I don't say much at all.
I am learning that silence really is golden. Even though at times I feel like I could be contributing more, I keep silent. Or try to anyway. Sometimes it's a losing battle for me.
I guess the bottom line is: I have deep remorse for how I've divorced some of my friends in the past. I wish I could find a good way to express myself without pushing the boundaries, coming off defensive, or pressuring them into any sort of obligation. Maybe a letter, but I don't have their addresses. Email is....email is on the fence for me, though that may be my only medium. Perhaps on Christmas Eve when I'm drunk with generous spirit and goodwill towards men/women I will send an email 'o oops. Till then, I'll rack myself with guilt and come up with more ways to prevent another divorce.
To all my friends and family who have ever experienced a divorce, of any kind or color, I'd like to say that I sympathize with the pain you must feel. And I only feel it on a very small scale - I cannot imagine the excruciating process of a formal severance. Stay strong friends! I, too, will try to stay strong.
2 comments:
It took a lot of courage to write this. :-)
a) Birds.
Every time I see them in packs I think of you and how disgusted you'd be. Max even remembers this little detail about you somehow?
b) Friend Divorces.
Sigh. Yes, recall my listing the detail of the few I'd been through before we met? One particular group where the only substance that seemed to glue that group together was Methanphetamine and many very blurry nights. I got tired of watching what it did to these people and their families and wanted to no part of it. Those were my "party" friends, those relationships are generally strictly surface at best and temporary, destined for little impact on ones life. This is still true today and I do not associate with them any longer, though, in reflection I could've handled the situation better. Tho, I'm not sure how as I made the best decision for me at the time and that's all you can do?
Anyway, people come and go. We've talked a lot about this, when Peck moved...when you moved...when we had our own little falling outs. Ebbs and flows right? While I think it's really good to go within yourself and be introspective and gain perspective, I also think it's really good to forgive yourself in the process.
I hear you about wanting to approach new relationships differently and what you've learned from your past friendships. But if it involves holding your true self back in doing so, I would personally warn against it. If you choose to withdraw your personality then the other person doesn't get a real look at your authentic self and then the relationship is based on....what? Manufactured Persona? This doesn't seem entirely fair to me. Besides, our real selves eventually emerge in ANY relationship, trying to hide it won't work in the long run anyway. Just my two cents.
c) Theme Songs.
That tribute to you is only based on the Walden Adventure '04 in which we forced the Montero up the hill and we BOTH made it and I was so proud of us and we were angry mosquitos singing the Wicked Witch Of The West song in unison, barrling up that freaking hill from hell. Good times, I miss you.
One more thing, I do not only contact you when I "think" of you....if I did, we'd be on the phone constantly. Absence does make the heart grow fonder, si cherie?
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