Without a Child

I woke up this morning thinking that Isis was alive. I've had a few mornings like this in the past 6 years since her death and they are never, ever easy. It usually takes me about 2 hours just to get to the point where I can function and carry on with my day. Then I spend all day in a melancoly haze crying at the drop of a hat and wondering if I'm really alive in this reality.

Last night's dream was borderline nightmare. I dreamt that Dane and I lived together in a house that belonged to Kevin. The actual house was a carbon copy of the house I lived in w/ my parents that had a pool. Kevin's family was trying to hurry us out of the house and a week before we were set to leave we got a tip that Kevin had buried Isis underneath the pool. We dug up the pool and broke through the tile to find that yes, a coffin was there. In fact two coffins were there. Isis's and another man. At that point Dane told me to leave because Isis's coffin had not been shut and I didn't want to see what was there. I left to find a sticky that had the number to "the court" on it so I could tell them what we found. While I searched for the sticky, I looked outside and saw Isis in her coffin, but she was alive! She was still 15 months old, even though in my dream it had been two years since her death. My dream did not afford me explainations as to why or how she had survived in a coffin for two years with no food, water or oxygen let alone why she hadn't aged. Probably because I will always picture her as she was when she died.

So Isis was alive and we immediately began the logistics of her arrival back in to my life. I was upset that I had given away all her clothes and belongings since I should have known she would come back for me. I did have her teddy bear though (and I do in real life). Her father, though not in my dream as her real life father, was still very evil - almost Draconian. He could poof in and out of rooms and carried a trident like staff. He even said "I was glad when she died two years ago because I couldn't afford the child support but my life is different now so I'm excited that she is alive and I can play with her." *poof*

The dream, especially the excavation part, is sticking with me quite vividly and as I said, I awoke expecting her to be with me. It took me about 10 minutes to sort out what was real and what wasn't and I quickly grabbed a tablet and pen and started writting down aspects of my dream so I wouldn't forget them because everything seemed so symbolic. I called Dane and told him (he's in Portland) and he felt bad he wasn't here to support me and felt even worse that he feels he is partly to blame. I'll explain.

This past week with Damion being in the hospital and the reality of that situation and the realization of what could have been combined with a hap-hazard question to Dane about what his opinion was on Isis's death (he met with the police about 8 months after it happened to review the autopsy notes and findings - I couldn't do it) are probably the roots of this dream and the funk I've been in for days. Dane believes that while Kevin did not intend to kill Isis, he feels he acted out of anger and perhaps a little bit of drunkeness. The mere thought of someone being angry enough at Isis to shake her to death whilst banging her head on furniture is enough to send me to convulsions and I've never accepted that. It seems that I am started the slow process of accepting the reality of how she died and how it impacts me, both then and now. I should note that my parents (and even me to some lingering degree) believe that Isis was previously injured while out with her birth father (she did have bruising on her head to support this theory) and that the blow she suffered through Kevin's hands, which was not in anger or drunken rage, sent Isis into the state that she eventually died in. We've all heard of second blows, specifically football players and such that receive head trama and then get one final blow, usually insignificant compared to others, that puts them out, if not of life at least the game of ball. Whether Isis died at Kevin's hands or due to an injury related somehow to her father does not lessen the extent of her injuries or the brutality that she endured. I can't bear that thought and have actively pushed that thought out of my mind for 6 years now. But we all know that we can't run forever.

I fear that I'm starting (albeit belated) another stage of grief that is perhaps the hardest, if the stages can even be quantified that way. To add insult to injury, I attended a work function today that took place at the Seattle Children's Museum - chalk full of kids around Isis's would-be age and the age she was when she died. As if that wasn't enough, the people hosting the meeting, obviously museum employees, spent about 15 minutes explaining the museum's mission and one of the (smart) safety rules they have is that no adult can enter without a child. That statement made sense the first time. But it was repeated, I counted, seven more times. And with each mention it was harder and harder to bite back the tears. You are not allowed without a child. Don't any of you have children? You can't come in without a child. Without a child. Without a child.

And that is what I am at the end of the day. Without a child.

Keep Damion in your Prayers/Thoughts

I found out on Sunday night that Peck's son fell in to their pool and almost drown. He's been in ICU at Texas Children's since recovering from the trauma, lung infection, and various other ailments. Peck is doing as well as can be expected. Jeremy flew in on Tuesday from Dubai and other friends and family members made an effort to come down and be with them in their time of need. Dra is doing okay too but I imagine he will be impacted by this as the dust settles.

Damion is on a ventilator now and hopefully will be taken off soon and able to breathe on his own. At this time he is not exhibiting any signs of brain damage which is a miracle and blessing.

This situation reminds me of how strong people are. Not only is Damion a strong, resilient baby, but Peck is (as always) a pillar of immense strength. She was one of the major driving forces behind the details and business end of Isis's death, having dealth with a death of her own child prior to Isis. For this I am forever indebted to her and the mere thought that she might have had to go down that road again has upset me more than I could ever be prepared for. However, that is not the case (thank GOD) and she has just been so strong and positive. I've also been reminded that no matter how many miles and moons have separated us, we are all networked together and in time of great need people will cross oceans just to support you.

I'm continuing to pray for Damion and Peck's family and am hopeful for a positive outcome.

This event overcomes anything else that is going on in my life at the moment but even as such my life is fairly calm right now. I met all my January deadlines (a lot was riding on that so thank God I pulled through), work continues to go well, the audit is finally (FINALLY) over and it went well, school is going well (I have an A+), homelife is going well (though I wish Dane wouldn't Warcraft so much), the kitties are doing good, the workouts are coming along, finances are finally gelling together. Life in general is good.

I'm gearing up for Egypt in April (I can't believe that's just 6 weeks away!) and hoping that work projects and daily duties continue to sail along. Next class will be tough as I work 2 weeks at a time in order to take 2 weeks off for Egypt, but I've structured my social life to take on the added homework and work work.

I've been talking to people that I knew back in high school and that has been fun. It makes me jones to go back to CO which I'm tentatively planning a trip over Labor Day. Also planning a trip to Houston in Oct. Hopefully Peck and family will still be there.

My intervention meeting w/ Jim went well and the passing weeks have been progressive as well. I'm signed up for a conflict management class that will help.

Keep Damion in your prayers/thoughts. He needs all the strength that can be mustered.

28 and Life to go

So I briefly read through my 2005, 2006, and 2007 birthday posts - what an amazing trip it's been! 2005 was a great youthful but in-the-learning stage post, 2006 was a dreadful bout of depression, and 2007 was an exciting burst of newness. 2008 has a lot to live up to.

As I mentioned in my yearly recap, 2007 was such a big year for me. I really hope that 2008 has much less growth and extracurricular activities. So far I have a few things planned, but really nothing outside of travel and school. I am still on the heavier side of things, but I'm in a pattern of working out and eating right. Not vegan, but rather a nice balance which is the best you can hope for.

Even as I write this I can tell that I'm in a sort of mental transformation. The past couple months have been very stressful at work but nothing near what TSA was. However, I find that I'm still coping with stress in a very sub-par way. Just yesterday I exploded at a situation that really didn't call for it. I spent all last night beating myself up for it wondering why it was so hard for me to just "shut the eff up." HG suggested I look in to personality tests and I wrote her off at first but decided to look in to the tests I've taken. They all say the same thing, I'm an expressive, outgoing person who tends to speak/act before I think. I know this, what I don't know is ~how~ to control it. I decided to lay down for a bit to think things through and ended up falling asleep and having weird dreams and premonitions. I came to work today quiet and reflective. What I found were opportunities to make my mistakes right, apologize to the folks it affected, and really redeem myself. I also had the opportunity to introduce a concept that RBMBA discovered a while back. I'm an employee that needs "face time", or as I put it - hand holding and coddling. I don't like that but I finally decided to just accept that and move forward. I told Jim about my high maintenance needs and how I need more positive reinforcement than the average bear. From that moment on things have been infinitely better. We had an extremely progressive day despite the snags and I feel 100% better about our working relationship and my situation. I really do feel supported and like I will succeed at Treehouse.

With that monkey off my back, I've been able to think about other aspects of my life at this stage of 28. Again, I have to thank HG (and her hub) for providing an excellent role model for marriage. Their relationship has really placed the groundwork for a great union w/ my man. Things have been going very well with us and I have to acknowledge my support system. All of my friends have been great, Sarah has always been our cheerleader and often (though I'm sure she'd rather not be) the sounding board for both of our cases when we are in valleys. RBMBA has always been the voice of reason and logic and has helped me weed through things that my issue and things that are Dane's. Peck has always been and always will be on my side and provides a great support for been there/done that. And Amy has always helped me stay true to myself. Often when people get married I see them lose themselves to the other and its great to have a buddy that knew you before and helps you retain that self.

I feel very calm about this stage of my life. Like I have time to get things in order before the big 3-0 but that time isn't something to be taken for granted either. I will enjoy my last years of my twenty's and look forward to my coming years (sponsored by Botox). I have learned so much, it feels like most of it has been in the past couple years. I look back at my early twenty's and smile at the rebel of my youth. So much of me is still here that was back then yet at the same time I feel so different.

I've calmed down a lot. I'm not as motivated to take on the world. I was shocked to realize I"m halfway through my MBA program and still on target for my CPA by 30. Now that I'm almost there, I almost get separation anxiety. Not so much from school or homework but more with the idea that after my CPA, what will I be doing to grow? How will I motivate myself to stay above the daily grind? I'm not sure. As was the case when I was 25, it is now: I'm left with more questions than answers.

Sometimes I wish I knew where this life will take me and other times I'm glad I don't. Who knows how this will all end. I don't feel ready for it to end yet I don't really have any world or even life changing plans on the docket. Who ever does I guess. I don't think Einstein woke up and reviewed his daily log to change the world. It just happened. Not that I am comparing myself to Einstein or think I will have an effect on this world. Just the world I know.

More and more my world is closing in on me and I think that's a good thing. Rather than be one to the world I think I'm focusing more on being the world to one. And I like that.

So I found this post and figured it was worth an update.

Goals for 30th birthday
Education
Completed Bachelor's degree - achieved
Completed Master's degree - in process, completion Summer '09
Enrolled in study program for CPA exam - Summer '09
Information gathered on law degree or PHD - maybe a law degree, no PhD

Career
Earning at the very least $55,000/year ($43K inflation, $2K BA, $5K MA) - achieved
Revolving CFA and/or more corps under my belt, or mini-controller - achieved - Accounting Manager

Community
Continue fostering animals for Humane Society - in hiatus while Willie transitions
Become a mentor for children - Summer '08
Obtain info on child fostering/adopting - now that I work for an org that caters to foster kids, this info is at my fingertips at any time

Body
Tattoos removed - almost done
Junk hair removed - almost done
Teeth whitened - achieved and ongoing
Augmentation - achieved
Stable 130 - 140 lbs - working on :-(
Non-dyed, healthy hair - healthy, highlighted hair
Eyebrows touched up - achieved and ongoing

Mind
Continued yoga practice - need to do
Painting - in spurts, but coming along
Dancing - once a year parade routine, good enough

Frivalties
Tanning bed - I have a salon I go to, probably will continue to do this rather than buy one
Hot tub - achieved
Massage membership - achieved
Maid - achieved
Convertible sports car - very possible in next 2 years
New motorcycle - probably not unless we move to a warmer climate and that's okay
Travel - OMG - I've done nothing but travel! Colorado, California, Oregon, Florida, Amsterdam, Mexico, and now Egypt and Texas - the list goes on!
Kauai - we still need to do this
Greece - well the honeymoon was Mexico, but maybe for an anniversary or Masters graduation
Vancouver - still need to do this, we take for granted that we live so close

I'm amazed at how much I've accomplished just by 28. I guess I need to revise this, eh?

You Babysit Me

I haven't been as good as I promised myself I would be at keeping my blog updated. Having said that, there has been some office drama that I got the chance to nip in the bud today.

I formally went to our office manager to complain about my boss and his micro-managing tactics. At first I thought I was just being sensitive about it but after talking with a handful of others, both in the admin dept and outside, I realized that if something doesn't happen and quick a mutiny may be afoot. I mentioned this (in short) to ED and I guess she talked to Ann, the office manager, and next thing you know the intervention is today.

Without going in to the gory details I will say that it went well. Never one to mince words, I started out the session with "You babysit me and that's gotta stop." It went from there and we got some stuff out on the table but ended it with [what I feel is] a good action plan and timeline for progress. We set up "safe" times for asking questions and getting in touch with my area and I have hopes that things will improve. If not, then I may have to look at my other options after I get back from Egypt.

In other news my trip to Tampa went well. Very low key and uneventful (save the usual airport drama - I got wasted on the trip out there and almost didn't get to eat dinner at the place I wanted to in Terminal F). We went to the Pirate Festival, which rocked, went to the beach, and just had plenty of quiet time. Amy's house is so fun! It's perfect for just her. She mentioned that she and Bryan will likely have to move in to a bigger place when they do move in together but for now its a fun little cottage with a loft, spiral staircase, and one-car garage.

I missed Dane more than I thought I would or was expecting. Its weird because it took some time after we got married but I feel like I'm falling in love with him all over again. We had a rough patch but I think was more due to all the extracurricular activities I had going on. Not to mention work woes on both ends. Now that most of the dust has settled, we are getting in to the swing of married life and I have to say that I dig it. I like calling him my husband. I like the security we have. I like our system. He's my greatest ally and best friend and I love him so much. For so long I harbored bitterness and resentment, who even knows why, but that is melting away and I can start being me again and being cute.

The kitties are doing well. I love them. I need to start posting to the cats blog again. And maybe even the BG blog.

We are keeping on track with the gym, we love our movie nights. I've slacked on the diet a little bit (okay a LOT) but I like being able to go out and enjoy my life.

School is going well. I broke my steady decline streak and got an A in my last class. Would have been an A+ if I hadn't missed the 3 points from being gone in W6 at Tampa. I have this teacher again so I'm happy. I haven't done my homework yet (supposed to be doing it now actually) but I'll get it done soon.

Dane is taking me to dinner tomorrow to celebrate my 28th b-day. Wow - another year, I'll post more on that later though. Then there's the super bowl. All in all a busy but fun weekend planned.

I'm ready for bed, so I'm off.

2007 Reflections (a little late)

Top 5 2007 Moments
1. My wedding in Cabo.
2. AMSTERDAM!!
3. My new job and very successful solo audit process!
4. Starting my MBA.
5. My surgery transformation

Bottom 5 2007 Moments
1. Gaining weight.
2. Watching the crap some of my loved ones struggled with.
3. Starting my MBA.
4. Realizing I will never have a close relationship with my sister.
5. Stress from filling my plate with too much stuff.
(Wow - if that's the worse I can come up with, then it was a pretty bang up year)

Resolutions for 2008
1. Manage my weight, healthy eating.
2. Manage my time between work, the Man, and my MBA with balance.
3. Maintain a journal.
4. Continue to improve my listening and patience skills.

What I'm looking forward to in 2008:
1. Egypt!
2. Other travel plans including seeing Amy, possibly my grandparents, and friends in CO.
3. Our first anniversary.
4. Improving on my position at work.
5. Continuing my MBA program, I'll be closer to graduating this year!

2007 Reflections
Well talk about a year of transformation! From my body to my mind to my career, marriage, and everything in between! I guess when I consider it all in one breath for a recap, 2007 was a very big year for me. I probably did more growing up and moving on to the next chapter of my life than even I can realize right now. One thing I can say for sure is that this year was definitely the most positive one I've had in a long time. Not much, if any, regrets. It was difficult for me to find 5 lows. I feel like I'm not articulating myself well so I'll try to parce it out.

First I turned 27 but that was really overshadowed by two major events. #1 my surgery and #2 my job change. Both happened within the same week. Actually all three things, surgery, job, and birthday happened within a week of each other. Now that all is said and done I'm very pleased with the surgery and I would do it again. It was worth the pain and price tag. And even though I've gained some weight back, I'm working harder than ever to get and keep it off now and I've gained a new lease on life. It feels good to look nice in clothes and have a very feminine body even if I am chubbier than most.

Next my job. I jumped several positions and pay grades with this new job and at times felt like I had put myself in a position to fail but I didn't. Whether it was due to the fantastic advice of knowledgeable friends or figuring stuff out in my own time I was able to make it work and prove to myself more than anyone that I could do it. I continue to move forward and learn everyday and handle myself better, more maturely. Who would have ever thought based on last years post.

Then, of course, I got married. That in and of itself was a huge step in the right direction but I'll pause for a moment to talk about Dane's growth. He's made tremendous strides at work and really taken things up to the next level. He's a manager of his department now and while we thought he'd leave Denali, he ended up staying and making more money and honing in on more responsibility. I couldn't be prouder or happier for him. Back to getting married. After what I thought was inevitable break up in 2006 it was great to get seal the deal and take my relationship w/ Dane to the next level. I can't quite explain it but something has changed and I feel a sort of power almost in the security and love that we share. My husband. I love saying that. More than I thought I would. And of course it felt great to coordinate the surprise renewal and ring for my mom. I really feel like I've given back to them part of what I took when I was growing up and being a hellion. It all contributes to the whole theme of my maturity and really coming of age in 2007, as cheesy as that sounds.

The opportunity to travel abroad with one of my best friends ever was also a remarkable experience. It was truly eye opening to see another country (that's not Mexico or Canada) and see how Americans are treated (good, of course) and how we are perceived. I'm even more excited to visit Egypt this year but Amsterdam was definitely one of the "high" points of my life.

All this good isn't without a con though. My trip back to Colorado was great. I loved seeing my friends and visiting Isis's grave but my interactions with my sister left me feeling like our relationship will never be what I want it to be and at the very best we can be polite to each other. It's a sad day when discover the only thing that binds you is DNA. I'm sad, but don't really feel a loss. Except when I consider the kids. But I never really got to see them much anyway and any attempt I made at a relationship with them was thwarted with silly rationales like "terrorists might attack when the kids are with you." I somehow think that Stacy thinks I am to blame for Isis's death and maybe I am (not a day goes by that I don't blame myself) but it's troubling when your own family thinks it. And I could be WAY off base but the truth is I'll never really know. Stacy is not the most honest person and has a "face" that she puts on for the world while she keeps her true cards very close to the vest. Perhaps someday things will change, but she holds grudges like no other and I think that after this Cmas of no gifts for the kids she'll never forgive me. Probably for the better anyway. I can't take anymore heartache from trying to be her pal and being shunned.

As for my MBA, I can tell that even that has played a positive role in my life, despite all the hardwork it is. I see that I reflect more on everything, especially business related and I definitely have better troubleshooting and analysis skills. I'm excited to move forward but very much longing for the day when online discussion questions and gap analysis does not rule my life.

Overall 2007 was an amazing year. It will be tough one to top as far as growth and I'm not sure I'd be up for it again so soon. This year I finally learned what my limits were and when too much was enough. If anything this year will be a laid back year for growth and activity (save traveling). I'm solid in my position at work and school. I've gotten in to a healthy routine with eating and the gym. I've slowed down my social life to a pace that I've never experienced and I'm very happy with everything. Where once I double and even triple booked my free time I find that I guard my time off and sometimes even (unfortunately) hurt feelings when I decline to book my dance card. Mostly I've learned what works for me and I've learned that what works will constantly change as I grow and develop.

I'm excited for 2008. Though not much is on the docket yet, it feels like the year is already booked out through July. And actually, it is. Due to financial concerns, Dane and I are running very lean with money and events till Egypt then afterwards I have a small surgery revision then by the time that's done it will be audit season before I know it. I feel like I could already write my 2008 recap but I'll save that for this time next year.

Letter to Myself

To December 29th, 2007 Crystal Ewers:

Hi - I hope this finds you well. I've been wondering - now that it's been almost a year from your surgery, what do you think? Are you glad you did it? What about the payments you make -how has that treated you? What about work? Do you still lie awake a night torturing yourself over your conversations with Karen, Donielle, and Stefan? Do you still open your big mouth and fight the "oppression from the man"? Do you even work at TSA anymore? Do you think yourself silly for the stink you caused last year? Did it do any good or did you learn to just shut up? Have you stuck to the vegan diet/lifestyle and working out? Did you lose weight? What was the wedding like? Did all your plans pan out? How is the MBA program? I'm really scared of it right now. Are you still scared? Do you still dream big? Are we still going to be a lawyer and CPA or hold a PhD? Do we still foster cats? How's Dane? How's his WOW character? Hee hee. Do you still talk to RBMBA? How are your CO friends.

I guess I have more questions than advice or things to say. But how can I possibly have anything to say to you? You will learn it in your own time when you're ready and I could type till I ran out of blog and a) not know what I was talking about and b) you still wouldn't learn. I hope for both our sakes that you eventually learn to calm or control your fire. I love our fire but I'm beginning to think that we are quickly out-wearing out "youthful" excuse. Eventually you need to learn class and tact. We have the passion, motivation, and drive, now we need to refine it and really work it so we can get what we want without burning bridges.

Why is it so fucking easy for other people to just KNOW this shit?! Why has it taken you/us so effing long to figure it out?! Why can Dane and HG just know how to fight and stand up for themselves and have sound arguments and solid thought processes and you struggle to not cry like a baby when your upset. You better figure this shit out by this time next year or I'll - YOU'LL, be seriously put off!!

How's the Dewey!?!? *swoon*

Sincerely,

Crystal and Jebis
December 29th, 2006
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dear Crystal and Jebis,

Thank you for the kind letter. Now that it has been almost a year since my surgery I can say that it was one of the best decisions I've ever made. I look and feel great. I am disappointed that I've gained some weight back after all I've done to improve my condition but now I will just have to work harder to get and keep the weight off. Financially I've managed to make the payments and it's not so bad. Though I do think once the wedding and Egypt is paid off I'll transfer debt to take advantage of a lower interest rate.

Work is going well, though I'm in a different job than I was when you wrote the letter. I work for Treehouse now and it's going great, I'm back to a smaller, more focused nonprofit and I couldn't be happier. I work when I want, get a ton of time off, more money, better people, better location, I even have a parking spot! And no, I don't torture myself about the conversations I once had w/ LD, DM, and Stefan. LD is still a hooch, DM is moving on, and Stefan is reaping what he sowed. Ahh - the oppression from the "man". I do still open my mouth but even in the last year I've learned to curb what I say and focus on getting my point across without increasing the decible level of my voice. Mentioned above, I no longer work at TSA and I actually don't regret the stink I caused. Perhaps I could have handled it better, but in the end I think its funny. Stefan was so mad - I'd never seen him that mad before. It tickles me now because I don't have to deal with it and I got out of there. Maybe I'd feel different if I were still there.

I haven't stuck to the vegan diet. I did really well through March but I was having a very difficult time healing from the surgery and the doc finally got fed up and said I needed to eat animal protein - be that from eggs, cheese, milk, whatever. I immediately gained back all the weight I'd lost being vegan but I'll have to admit - Mama loves her cheese.

The wedding was beautiful - wouldn't have changed a thing. It was pulled off exactly as planned and it was one of the best times of my life.

Still in the MBA program. My grades have been gradually decreasing but I do have an A+ in this class so far. I'm not scared anymore but very tired of school. I have worked out a new homework plan that works out very well though. I am a little nervous for the all online accounting classes, but what can you do? I'm not so sure I dream big anymore. I've definitely decided I'm done with school for a while now. So no PhD, at least in the near future. I will definitely get my CPA, that's not even up for debate. As for a law degree...that still sounds somewhat enticing, but again - I want a nice long break from school so I can travel and such.

We haven't fostered cats since Nov when we added One Eyed Willie to the group. I'm not sure if we will start fostering again or not. We kinda like the quiet. We'll see though, it was nice to foster cats.

Dane is good - his career is going well. He's now the manager of his department and this week he's in CA training his crew. He still plays WOW and in fact we got in to it the other night because he can't come to bed at a decent hour.

Of course I still talk to RBMBA - all that jazz with TSA blew right over us and we were left with a great foundation for a fun friendship. CO friends are good. Amy lives in Tampa now and I'm going to visit her next week. Sarah is still in CO and doing well.

As for what you say next, you are correct. It's funny because I can probably draw a timeline: in my younger years I didn't know I was so out there and blatant. Then I didn't care that I was. Then I wanted to change it but didn't know how. Then I realized it had to change. This past year has been a transition from knowing I've needed to change and actually changing. This year a refinement of the refinement is what I'm working on. More class and tact, less yelling, less cussing, less losing my head. It's starting to become a part of my make up and I bet by next year I'll be even better at keeping my cool.

HA! The next paragraph is even better! Don't worry C, you've figured it out. You aren't there yet - but you are learning and you are making progress. :-)

Till next year,

CJE 2007

Happy Holidays!

So it's been awhile since I blogged - my bad. Here are some updates:

12 Bars of Cmas - we made it to 9 bars. Not so bad. I had a total of 5 drinks over the period of 4 pm - 11 pm so I stayed true to my every other bar code. Dane didn't and ended up getting drunk. It was funny. I, on the other hand, had a 10 am personal training session so I didn't want to go overboard.

Audit/work - The audit went well and I got the unofficial/offical news that our management letter only contains "other comments" which aren't so bad. We still got a management letter, but what can you do? Kudos to me, I'm very proud! Now I have two months worth of backlog stuff that I need to clear up in a matter of days! Should be challenging but doable.

Home - we FINALLY got a new couch. We bought a couch set and rug from Macy's using extreme discounts. It's getting delivered as I type. There was a slight hang up in that the rug that was originally delivered was the wrong style, but Macy's made it right by giving me the display rug and personally delivering and installing the rug themselves. Then we got a coffee table from Brookstone but when we opened the box the table was completely damaged! So we had to get a new one sent to us and expedited since I have company coming over next week. I'm really excited - I've waited a long time for a nice living room set.

School - I just started a "Wealth Maximizing" class at UOP and I have to say my edge on accounting/finance will definitely come in handy. I managed to get all my homework done this week without cutting in to my personal time. I'm looking forward to this class and have high hopes for the teacher. He seems cool and we have him for our next two classes so I'm hoping he works out.

Exercise - I'm still seeing Quinn 2 - 3 times a week and she's kicking my butt but we haven't seen the results we were anticipating so we've changed up my diet to follow a strict measuring and serving pattern. We'll see how it works. I'm really trying to focus on losing weight and make it my priority right now. So far it's been going well. Dane and I love the Golds Gym - it is so nice! Just a few tidbits - it has a movie cardio room that plays a movie (changes every day) on a movie theatre size screen w/ stereo and a ton of cardio machines, they have beautiful locker rooms with cherry wood lockers, all the soaps, mouthwash, shampoos, lotions, hair styling equipment and everything you could want PLUS a plush lounge IN the locker room, they have towel service so we don't have to bring our own, they have a smoothie/espresso bar, beautiful clean pool and hot tub, attached spa, equipment cleaners on damn near every machine, special aerobics room, spinning room, and yoga room, and the best part - each and EVERY cardio machine has it's very own 30+ station tv including 3 DVD movie feeds and the Golds Gym Network (which plays the accompanying music video to whatever song is playing overhead)! And all for only $5 more a month than what we were paying at the old, decrepid 24 Hour Fitness. Simply put, it's a gym that you actually want to go to.

Other - so this weekend is reserved for holiday parties. My company holiday party is this afternoon and then I need to get prepared for Dane's bling bling party. And by that I mean pedicure, tanning, pick a shirt/tie out for Dane and so on. Then tomorrow is a busy, busy day. I have school from 9 - 1, tanning, then hair appointment from 2 - 4, then I have to come home and get gussied up and leave by 5:30. I got a beautiful red dress to wear that's kinda wild but I think I can pull it off. Not sure what to do w/ my hair. I want it down but it will cover the back of the dress, which is the draw. So I might have it pulled up but with loose curls or something. I dunno. I'll post a pic though. Till next time:

Egypt is Calling

So today was a very exciting day. Dane and I finalized our decision (that we've been tossing around since Nov 19th) to go to Egypt. That's right - for as long as I can remember I've wanted to go to Egypt and really spend some time there soaking in the culture and walking in the same sand the Pharohs did. And to go with a group of folks that I'm familiar with and have gone before is definitely a plus. And we'll be going to a lot of places that aren't normally tourist stops because of the connections this group will have. We're even going to the Temple of Isis. Amazing. It hasn't hit me yet. Probably wont till I have to start paying the bills to go on the trip, which isn't cheap but it is definitely within reach. In fact, school timing lined up nicely for me to go and it's the slowest time of year at work. I even have enough vacation time saved up to take two solid weeks off. Can you believe that! Of course Dane is coming and it will be the experience of a life time. Check it out:

http://www.delilahs-belly-dance-retreat.com/EgyptTour_packet.pdf

If that doesn't work, go to http://www.delilahs-belly-dance-retreat.com/ then click on Egypt Tour.

Now here's the deal. There have been some people (and it is not anyone who reads this blog so don't think for a second this is aimed at anyone close to me - besides, my friends don't judge me anyway and if they do they are kind enough to keep to themselves) who get this look or tone, almost a mockery. Let me explain. Anyone that I'm excited enough to share my travels with is at least some how affiliated to me. And as anyone who knows me knows, I travel. A lot. For instance, if we were to take a 12 month period, May 2007 - May 2008, I will have traveled to Amsterdam, Cabo San Lucas, Denver, Tampa, and now Egypt. That's a lot of personal travel for one little year. However, that's what I love to do. Dane and I made a choice not to have children. We decided that we'd rather travel the world and allocate our money and resources in other ways. But I've noticed that when we actually do travel, we get almost a stink eye from some people or at the very least a friendly but sarcastic "gee, wish *I* could go on vacation...." And I have to look at them and say "you made a choice to have children and that's where all your time and money goes." Why is it that people look at you like you have money growing out of your ears or you sell drugs on the street because you have money to travel? Now let me be the first to tell you that Dane and I do NOT have the cash for this, everything we do is financed through revolving credit. But we pay shit off and work hard therefore we play hard. I just don't get it. How much money do you think the average person or family spends on one child a month, any age? I guarantee you it's more than we shell out for traveling (assuming the traveling costs are expensed over time, not all at once). Yet that's okay. I don't look at Jill and say "Gee, you sure are spending a lot on Billy" So why is it okay to make a comment like that about travel. Or anything that people who choose not to have kids spend their money on. I know I'm not articulating this well and this is certainly not knocking those who have kids but rather those who have kids but feel like they are priviledged because of it or oppressed. You have access to the same credit cards I do (unless you have really bad credit), so if *YOU* want to go to Egypt, by all means. Till then, don't poo poo me and play the woe-to-me-I'm-a-parent card. Whatever.

I'm probably just biased because everytime I hear a parent piss and moan about parenting, no matter how tough it is, I want to look at them and say "At least you're still in the game."

12 Bars of Christmas

Dane and I have been invited to the 12 Bars of Cmas pub crawl in Belltown in December. Now part of the criteria to participate in said event is you have to wear a santa hat. So I said to myself - "Self - this is a great opportunity to don your Dr. Suess santa hat again." A picture essay:


The night begins and Crystal is looking good in the cute santa hat


The drinking begins....


And continues....


Uh oh - here's Crystal in the hat singing karaoke! Troubles-a-brewin!


Why is the reindeer wearing the hat? Crystal must be in the bathroom.


What ho? A foe? Wearing CRYSTAL'S hat?!


Now who's wearing the hat?


Another hat bandit - what gives?


Ane here's Crystal/Jebis in all his/her glory having freshly fallen off the stage and spilt some guy's drink all over him/her. But not to be detered, he/she continues the night sans the hat.

Here's to another holiday season, folks. :-)

Just When I Thought I Was Out....

They pulled me back in..

Hee hee - we got through season one of The Sopranos. Very good. I really like Carmella's character. It will probably take some time to get through the show, which is good, gives us something to do this winter.

I"m happy for the 3 day week coming up. Got plans with RB on Wed - that will be nice. I could use some time with her. It feels like forever since we've hung out. I swear - one weekend by myself and I feel starved for friend time. 13 Coins will be cool too. I'm drooling just thinking about the food and I've never even had it.

One more month of freedom then I start school again. Seriously - it's taking all I got to continue forward. I will NEVER quit but I think I might take up bitching about school as a hobby.

I'm trying to convince my dad to come up for Cmas. So far it doesn't sound like it will happen but I'm holding my breath and crossing my fingers.

The scar revision looks great though I can tell right now that I will want the entire revision. I asked Dane about getting a nose job and he thinks I'm crazy. Maybe I'll have Doc touch up w/ some lipo. Hopefully by then (Feb or Mar) I can lose a little weight and get to my desired shape. I could probably put the entire cost on my credit card by that time. We'll see.

I've been jonesin to book a trip - somewhere, anywhere. We scrapped the Antartica idea for now, don't have the money to do it the way we want to, but we have been tossing around other ideas like 2 weeks in Europe or New Years in New York. We'll see. I think it's compensating for something else personally. Which is why I haven't booked anything yet. I get very impulsive when I'm not happy or ancy. I need to learn to shake that habit.

In the meantime, I have plenty of Hoegaardens to hoe-d me over. HAHAHAH!! I crack myself up.

Let's see what else? Absolutely nothing because I'm a boring piece of shit! Seriously - when did I lose my edge? When did I ever have an edge? What am I doing with myself that's worth something even if only to me? I need a hobby (other than bitching about school)...I guess until school's over I can have the gym be my hobby. But outside of that I need something. I should start doing my art stuff again. Maybe I'll bust that stuff out.

Willy is doing good. He's so cute. Dewey doesn't yell at him anymore but the girls hate him. It will take time before there is peace in the house. And Willy will definitely need "bell therapy" before we can have a Cmas tree. I can't wait for Cmas this year. I'm really happy and excited for it. I want to decorate and have a tree. I LOVE gingerbread lattes. I swear that will be the sole reason why I won't lose weight this season. Damn Sbux.

Oh yeah, and the Seahawks won. Which is cool, but Dane takes it as a personal victory because we won against Chicago which somehow relates to Rhi. I hadn't even put the two thoughts together but clearly Dane did. Rhi was my best friend but I think Dane feels more loss/bitterness/hurt than I ever did. Maybe it was the money. Which again is BS because Dane made me reimburse him for Rhi's loan so in the end I was the one that foot the $2000 bill for her paycheck advances. Yikes I tell ya. Never lend money to a friend. Though...I have to say that there is someone out there that has made good on their promise and I love this person dearly for it. Maybe someday Rhi will come around and realize that no matter what went down with us, a debt is still owed. I pulled the same shit with Randall. I borrowed over $2G from him and went through a phase where I flat out denied that I owed him. I even pinned it someone else. Shame, shame. In the end (about two years after the fact) I realized that regardless of how things ended up with us and not matter what I spent the money on, it was still me that owed him the money and I fessed up and paid up. Now our relationship has never been and never will be the same but at least I can look him (and myself) in the eye now. Course I am me and Rhi is she. She probably has a different take on the situation. In fact, I doubt that will ever change. I'm not eating out of can or living in a box but it sure would be nice to be repaid. Really, it's the respectful thing to do.

Revision

This morning Dr. E revised my scar from surgery. He's not happy with the results and wants to do a complete redo, but for now we decided to fix the "hole" and see how that heals up then make a decision about doing anything else. Doc wont charge me for his fees, but I would have to pay the anesthesiologist (sp?) and facilities fee. I'm tempted to do more work....not sure what though. Anyhoot - I'm at home resting today and for the whole weekend. Dane and I plan to spend the weekend holed up watching the Sopranos. Should be fun. We've never seen it so it's time to see what all the fuss is about.

The audit continues to go well. There have been a few more adjustments, but they are reclasses so no bottom line effect. All in all I've done good. My team has done good and everyone is happy. October is slowly coming along. I've had to do the payroll (which is a bear because a lot of stuff has changed) and of course all the other stuff that needs updating with the new fiscal year (fixed assets schedule, blah blah blah). And of course load the budgets. That hasn't been as painful as I thought though, but I'm not even a third done.

Thank God there's no school for me right now. Poor HG.

Dane is doing good - he decided to stay w/ Denali and received a fat raise and a promotion. I'm really happy and proud of him. However, our marriage is not doing as well. Dane tends to be so damn cocky when he's doing his Remedy job. I don't really like that Dane. At all. ALL he talks about is work. And when he's not doing that, he's playing WOW. At least he's going to the gym with me now. He did take me to see Bee Movie the other night, which was nice, but again - it was all about him. *sigh* I want the Dane that worked on satellites. That's my favorite Dane. I'm sad that he was so tired all the time, but he looked great (in shape) and he was humbled. Not cocky at all. I don't really like who he is now, but what can I do? Honestly I wonder if....nevermind. I'm just loopy on oxycotin (sp?) from the revision. We'll work it out. Even if I have to get my own apartment. :-P

I was able to get a refund from 24 Hour Fitness so I can go to Quinn's new gym, which is Golds Gym in Redmond. Starting 11/27 I will see her every Tue and Thur night from 7 - 8 till 12/20, and on Sat 12/1 and 12/8. That should get some results and get a pattern started. After that we'll see what I want to do as far as becoming a member of Golds Gym (blah) or Iron Works in Bellevue (better) or if I feel that I have what I need to do it on my own. We'll see. Dane and I have gone to the gym in the mornings the past few mornings and I have to say that I love going in the am. It kickstarts my day and it's so nice to have that taken care of. We were sleeping in till 8:30 most mornings anyway likes two slugs, it feels nice to get up at a decent hour and make better use of our mornings. Plus it helps you burn more calories throughout the day! And the gym is less crowded at that time. So the idea is to workout in the mornings 5 days a week, 3 training sessions a week (on top of the morning workouts), and of course a monitored diet. With all that I should definitey see results in 4 - 6 weeks. Then I can keep that up for probably another 2 - 3 months and then start a maintenance program.

I'm tired. Going to bed.

The Weekend

The weekend was started off by a great happy hour that lasted till 10:30 at a place called Cafe Metropolitan. It was actually this great bar - very European. High ceilings, lights on strings, sort of felt like it was on a patio, but indoors. I had a great time with all my co-workers, even HG and MR came out. I wasn't going to drink a lot but the beer I had was the best beer I've ever had! It's called Hoegaarden and it's sorta orangy-cinnamon flavored beer. Awesome. In fact, if the beer wouldn't have been so good, I wouldn't have gotten drunk. Famous last words, eh? Anyway - we had a blast, Dane finally met up with us and we made it to Nijo. Of course, by the time we got there, I was too wasted to enjoy my food. We made a decision right then and there that we would probably save more money by eating at Nijo w/ regular prices than we would staying at the bar till Nijo happy hour. Poor MR was feeling pretty buzzed too. And who got me cigarettes? I haven't touched those things since CO but somehow I was smoking. Weird. After Nijo, Dane poured me into the car and took me home. I promptly passed out but he stayed up since it was our third Olympia Film Fest All Freakin Night event on Saturday. By the time he came to bed at 5, I woke up and was just drunk enough to stay awake and be silly. Dane ignored me long enough that I finally fell back asleep but was up by 8. Needless to say, Dane was out cold so I got up and played on the internet, ate breakfast, sat in the hot tub, read my book, then got Dane up to take the kitties in to the Humane Society.

The kitties aren't ready to be adopted, so we'll keep them for another week, which is good because now we don't have to pay for Willy's vaccines. After that and lunch we watched more Nip Tuck S4 then took a nap. Headed out to Oly around 6:30, got our tickets, walked all over to find a grocery store since the one we knew was there was actually closed, got some pizza, then hung out in the truck for 2 hours till they let us in. This year was not as good as the prior years. I don't know why, but the smelliest people in the world go to this event. WHY don't they wear deodorant?! Anyway, it was fun but it wasn't like last year. I slept through 3 of the 5 movies. Last year I only slept through 1. After the fest we drove home and went to breakfast/lunch at Daman's. By noon Dane and I were in bed sleeping.

We woke up long enough to goof around, get some dinner, watch the rest of Nip Tuck, then poke around on the internet to look at vacations and stuff. We decided that we can't afford the Antartica trip next December (or at least for what we want to do) so we decided to hold off on that and do a different big trip or maybe we'll just save money and do something small then do the Antartic trip in December 2010 or something. We'll see. Right now we're waiting to see what travel plans our planner has in store, www.travelwithalan.com or http://travelwithalan.blogspot.com/, he has great deals that just can't be beat. We are anxious to see where he's going for his Independence Day trip (our 1 year anniversary) and next Cmas (our first "big trip"). We have some backup ideas for both if it doesn't work out. I want to go to Europe w/ Dane even if only for a week. I am going to see Amy in January for a 4 day weekend, so that will be cool. I've never really been to FL and I'm anxious to see her new dig.

School starts up in a month. Ugh. Just in time for a 2 week break for Cmas, why we couldn't just start AFTER Cmas, I don't know but whatever. I'm so done with school. It will take all I've got in my to finish this degree. Then I'll have to muster the willpower to take the CPA. After that I'm done. Done. Done. Done. People think that because someone else is doing their PhD that I'll want to. Not true. I've thought about it in the past, but because of what I've watched this person have to do to get their PhD and because my own priorities have shifted I can confidently say that I will NOT be getting my PhD any time in the near or distant future. Maybe when I'm in my 50's and bored I'll change my mind. But for now, I'm ready to start living and start traveling and I can't do that with a monkey (school) on my back. I should say that I am glad I am making myself do this. I will be very proud of my degree when I'm done and I have only me degree to thank for taking me as far as I've come to date. The degree and certification will solidify my position here and take me as far as I dare to go for now. Really at this point I need to get experience under my belt. After the Master's, my education will have taken me as far as I probably can go, in the accounting world at least. Ugh, just thinking about it makes me tired.

Boys vs. Girls

It's half way through the audit week, so far so good. Only 5 adjustments, all client (that's me) proposed. They are staying till Friday though, which is longer than hoped for but right on the expected schedule. Monday night I came home and worked my toosh off w/ chores, last night I busted my butt at the gym, so tonight I decided to treat myself to a pedicure, wax, shopping, dinner, and a massage. It was a great night indeed.

However, whilst I was trying on clothes at Dressbarn (still hate that name) I overheard two young girls, lets say 10 years old, discussing whatever came to mind. They were talking about what sport girl A should do. Girl B suggested basketball to which A replied "that's a boys sport, I want a girls sport." B tried to push and say that no, basketball was for everyone, just like tennis and other sports, but A was adament that certain sports were for boys only and that boys had this mentality that they were better than girls. A went on to say "I don't know where they get this idea from, was it a movie?" That comment made me almost bust out laughing but then I thought about it and thought - wait a tick - what does give the world/our society the impression, apparently very early on, that boys one up girls?

Is it religion that teaches the man is the head of the house? Is it the glass ceiling and the fact that men simply make more money than women which equates to power? Is it because women are seen as nuturers where as men can just up and leave no strings attached, no responsibility? Is it our government? Is it our teachers? Is it inate? What gives? It was an interesting thought to ponder and I'll be honest - I didn't get very far. Some things just are the way they is and that be that, ya know.

On that note, I'll be attending a dinner celebration tomorrow w/ RBMBA to celebrate Women of Influence in the Seattle area. I'm really looking forward to it, especially now that RB is going. I miss her and it's been a while since we've been able to shoot the shit.

My diet is going well, my exercise could use some improvement. No word on my refund from 24 Hour Fitness yet. I really hope they give me one, I want to continue training with Quinn even if it means doubling up on gyms for a few months.

The holidays are approaching and with shock I looked at the calendar and realized that as of Monday I have only 9 working days left in November. The 12th is a staff retreat, I have surgery revision on the 16th, I'm off for Thanksgiving on the 22nd and 23rd, then Holiday Magic is on the 28th and 29th. Luckily I think November will be a "bye" month for closing, which would be great because then I could focus on wrapping up the audit, then entering the budget info, cleaning up the October GL, rolling balances forward, clean up the vendors and all GL accounts (typical maintenance), and close Oct and Nov in one fell swoop. By that time it will be the middle of December and time for my Winter Break - I have December 21st - January 1st off of work (YAY!). When I come back, it will be time to close December and then on to procedure books and all the stuff that got pushed to the wayside while I got everything in order.

Well, I"m tired - I meant to go to bed an hour ago - oops.

I Hate Audits

No matter how much you prepare, there's always some nonsense you didn't think of and they always make you feel like an idiot.

It Figures

So I'm sitting here at work at 10am on a Sunday only to discover that our financial system has trashed itself. Jim (my boss), who I interupted from church, is calling Lloyd (our IT guy) who will most likely not answer on a Sunday (I wouldn't) so basically I came here for nothing. *sigh*

Now I'll have to come in early tomorrow in hopes that FE will be up and running. I just can't believe this. Our auditors will be here at 9:30 tomorrow morning and my system is down. What a hoot. I still have two schedules left to print/create on top of my 941 reconcile, which is what I came in today to do. At this point though, we'll have no choice but to get written up for it. Unless I can figure it out, print the other schedules, and get everything in order by 9:30 am tomorrow. Yikes. What a mess.

In other news, this weekend was fun. Let's see. Friday we spent all night waiting for a table at the Cheesecake Factory only to eat at Red Robin. Ugh. My one cheat day for the week and I get stuck w/ RR. Oh well. We went to see Lars and the Real Girl after that, which was really good. Saturday we volunteered at TSA WC again, it was great seeing the Sargents and getting some volunteer time in. After that we napped with the cats till about 3. There's nothing better than a Saturday afternoon nap with the cats and the hub on a cloudy day. We watched some Nip/Tuck Season 4 after that then went to Maggianos for dinner with RBMBA and crew. That was fun. It was really busy there, but it was a lot of fun to see the crew and RB's dad doing so well. After dinner we went to see Saw 4. The guys were sad because "there was more acting and less torturing." Whatever. :-) By the time we got home after midnight, we were exhausted and ready for bed.

This morning I woke up early for no particular reason (I hate it when I don't sleep in on my sleep in day) and decided to go to work to get it over with. And that brings us back to the beginning of this post where I lament FE being down and not being able to get any work done. Jim suggested I wait 30 minutes for Lloyd to call back before I leave. At first he said an hour and I said no because I had NOTHING to do without FE except play on the internet and I didn't want to waste my Sunday sitting here. I really doubt Lloyd will call back on a Sunday and even if he does, he's not going to come to work. I just want to make sure he or someone can be here first thing in the am. We'll see.

Still Tired

I'm still tired from my trip to CO! It could also be working out too, though. I went for my first official training session (till now all our meetings have been logistics) with Quinn. She did a good job easing me into it at the same time making me work. I missed my cardio session last night, so I'll probably go in tonight to make up for it on top of my training session with her. I like the "diet" she has me on. It's not really a diet at all, just added a little protein drink and eggs to my already existing diet.

So far so good at work, I'm just working on the audit schedules preparing for the auditors to come next week. It's starting to get slow, which is nice because I could use a job thats not so hectic all the time. Before I know it, school will start again so it's a good time to get caught up here.

Last night we went home and gave candy to trick or treaters. We only had a few. I was dressed in my pirate costume and Dane got in to his Anubis, but nobody came to the door. So he got sick of wearing and took it off. No sooner did he do that did trick or treaters come to the door. Too funny. We watched the South Park trilogy on Cartman's dry balls then called it a night.

In other news, our newest edition to the family, one of our foster kittens, is doing well. Basically while we were out of town his infected eye took a turn for the worse and the person we asked to care for the cats just couldn't get the kitten to the vet in time. We took the kitten to the vet as soon as we got home but it was too late, he had to have his eye removed. Since Dane and I feel terrible about this and it happened on our watch we made the decision to keep and care for the cat forever. Without further adieu, we named him One Eyed Willy and will love him forever and ever. Observe:

Your Granny's BFF Rose

Wow - so I just got back from quite possibly one of the best vacations in my life. It's been a great year for vacations, what with Amsterdam and Cabo and all. Hard to believe that a simple little trip to Denver could even be in the running with the other two, but I tell you what - it was!

Wed: We got up at 4 am, something we only see coming from the other side, and got ready to fly out. Arrived in CO just in time for lunch. Got an UPGRADE to a Pontiac Grand Prix in the shade of "pull me over red". Included: heated (YAY!) leather (BOO!) seats, dual climate control (a must for "Frosty" and his she-devil wife), XM radio, sunroof, remote start (Dane's favorite), and plenty of room for hooligans and their baggage (and it had room for our suitcases). *snicker* Dane and I dined at Monoco Inn for lunch, our favorite Greek restaurant. It was just as amazing as the last time and our waitress (the owner lady) hasn't changed a bit - not her hair, not her make up, nothing - still the same. After that we drove down to Littleton, stopping (inadvertantly) by Theo's grave, then we got balloons and mums for Isis's grave. It was almost 90 degrees (yeah, I know - but that's how Denver is) out so we stayed for a while at her grave arranging stuff, hanging out, talking, being quiet, remembering, wishing. Dane even let the dot visit the grave (don't ask). We let the balloons go, which is almost more emotional for me than visiting the actual headstone. I guess the balloons are very symbolic. Each and every year there are more balloons. The last time I remembered letting balloons go there were only four balloons, one for each of us at the grave that day. This time there were 7 balloons. I couldn't remember if I was supposed to get 7 balloons (for how old she'd be) or 6 (representing how many years it's been since she passed). I got 7. Any more it's just honoring her memory and what she still means to me. All the anger has subsided. I rarely dream of her being alive and someday being reunited. Only when I'm bored or watch Kill Bill or have a hankering. These days I'm just filled with a sad curiosity at both her taken life and what mine would have been if she were alive today. I know I've told Dane that I love him and if I had to make a choice between our life now and a life with her, I'd choose him, but I think that's a lie and we both know it. I'd choose her any day. I'd choose her over my own life if given the opportunity. But it doesn't make a difference, I will never get that choice.

After visiting the grave, Dane and I set to other tasks like finding a back up costume and meeting Marcia for dinner. We went to China Taipei and of course I had fried rice - the best! It was great to see Marcia and catch up and she looks so happy and healthy. After dinner with her we visited with Peck's dad, Papa, at Caldonia's. I used to work there back in the day and it was crazy to go back there. It wasn't as hopping as I'd remembered and long gone are the days where I knew any staff. We drank beer and watched Game One of the World Series. After 13-1 Boston lead and a million walks, we lost interest in the game and talked about other stuff. It was great to see him and sitting there with him, talking about the old days, the current days, and days to come it really, really made me miss Peck and our lives together. For a second I closed my eyes and pretended that I would go home to the house on Kansas, smoke a cigarette with Peck in our room and talk shit about the day, the people we knew, the cause to wake up in the morning. I miss that room, our talks, Peck's sleep-smoking, that house, that time. For as awful of a time as it was in my life, it sure has some of the sweetest memories I can think on.

Thursday: Slept in a little then got a move on to start the day. Ate lunch at Macaroni Grill, a fav of mine that was not on the docket but I'm glad it was. Heather and Mark rented a H3 (AWESOME!) so we tooled around in that all day. I accidently-on-purpose pushed a button that turned out to be OnStar emergency. Incidently our H3 was named Louisa and she was from Louisiana. Mark was sad that his H3 was a girl car and not a boy car. He was also sad that it's name was Louisa and not "Afrosheen". It sure was shiny though. After a trip to Target and a drive around the city we met my old boss Jim and his wife Renee for coffee at Peaberry's, a Colorado coffee shop. It was great to see him and talk for a while and I was happy to introduce him to HG and MR. We sat out in the 80 degree CO sun and talked till about 3 pm. After that we went to go see 30 Days of Night (not so good) at Denver Pavillions. Then we went shopping and had just enough time to get ready for the evening. Ate at Chick-Fil-A (awesome) then moseyed over to Lodo's and hung out with Cheryl, Jake, Richard, and Kailea. It was great seeing K - she's such a loving, beautiful, smart girl - I love her so much. I was glad to see Richard too, though Dane hardly spoke to him which I thought odd. Anyway - we talked with Cheryl forever, who has an amazing sleeve on her arm - wow! She's so cool and I have so much fun with her. And her man Jake is cool as a fan. Melanie showed up and we had a great time too. She shed some light on a few things, but I was so clouded up with cosmos that I didn't understand/pay attention. After we closed the bar down (and the Rockies lost again) we went to Del Taco. I don't even remember anything but the heavenly crinkle fries.

Friday: Dane got the bright idea to meet his new boss (who is based out of Denver) for coffee at 9 am! An ungodly hour when you've had about 12 cosmos the night before. We met his boss though, tee-shirt and all (his boss, not us), and had a great time. Dane's excited about working at Gen-E and I'm happy for him. After that we had just enough time to lay down for a quick nap before meeting our financial planner Rich at our favorite Persian restaurant, House of Kabob. The meeting with Rich went well, but the food was horrible. I think the place must have been bought out or something because the decor and food were totally different. Bleck! Sad for us, but at least we will never crave HOK again. After that we stopped by Compassion & Choices and bothered Joe for a few. Only Christian and Brandi were there (that I knew from before anyway) so I talked with them for a bit too. Later we went to Govner's Park for happy hour with Joe and his sister Sophie. We had a lot of fun and MR even got a bucket drink. Ate some more food then moved on to Casa Bonita. There, for the first time in a long time, I was able to hug and hold one of my favorite people on the planet - Sarah. Max is HUGE but such a wonderful man, it was great and amazing to see him. Sarah and I talked and it was like it had only been a day since I'd seen her. We fell right in to place and I was happy and proud like a mother hen to introduce her to HG and MR. Casa Bonita was great, Randall showed up - which I wasn't expecting, and that was fun. We all ate dinner then buzzed all over CB and had a mess of fun. We even got a picture of us in the Old West Prison (I'll post later). After that we went back to the hotel to drop the cars off then went to Skylark - which sucked!!! So we went to Funky Buddah, which was awesome! Joe and crew met us there and by this time Sam was with us so we just hung out and had a blast! There were tons of people in costume, even d*ck in a box guys! Joe got wasted, which is always a sight to see, and we had a great time.

Saturday: Woke up and headed out to Littleton to eat lunch with my cousin, Sean, and his wife, Gretchen. The All American couple, a cop and a teacher, are just sweet as pie and have such funny stories we could have sat there and listened to them all day. Sarah met up with us and by that time we needed to head on down to CO Springs. We drove up to Cave of the Winds, Sarah and I in her fun Jetta, and the rest of the crew in the pull-me-over-red-Pontiac. Sarah and I had great conversation, though I felt bad because I was mildly hungover and tired. Quieter than normal, I listened to Sarah's tales and despite all that she's had to deal with lately, envied her. Envy isn't a good word to use for such a good friend. I'll try to explain - I'm happy for her yet sad but at the same time excited for her after she gets through the muck of what happened and the chore of moving on. She had good stories and bad stories, all of which made me miss living in CO and being close to her to the core of my being. Maybe that's why I wasn't a chatty patty. At any rate - it was wonderful to have alone time with her and it was such a beautiful drive anyway. Now we didn't go to COTW for a varitey of reasons, but we did hang out in the gift shop and game room and caused a ruckus. And wouldn't you know it - we ran in to some old Moab friends, Chris and Michelle! Of all the places, it was craziness, but it was also great to see them and say hello. After we messed around on the children's play toys and heckled hikers and even acted a bunch of fools on rocks, we went to Wines of Colorado. I sat there eating cheese and smoked garlic with some of my most favorite peole in the world drinking wine and loving every second of my life. Then fearing for it because the last time I felt that happy, I was attending my daughter's funeral that very moment 7 days later. Then I realized that at that very moment, on that very date, on 6 years ago I was at my daughter's funeral. I sat for a moment watching my friends and husband and reflected on the past six years and how I got to where I was. I thought about what I was doing the 6 years before Isis's death, 12 years ago, and thought I could remember a Halloween dressed as a French Maid right before I met Brendon. By the time I thought back that far it was time to go and just as well. We got ready at Stacy's house, they decided to dress in togas for Caesar's Palace. HG and MR had the best costumes and even freaked people out with how much like their characters they looked and talked. HG went as "your granny's BFF Rose" that plays the slots complete with - awe hell. Words will never do their costumes justice, I'll have to post the picture essay and let those talk. MR was dressed as a lounge singer, Robert Goolay (that's phonetic by the way). Hee-haw-larious. I simply dressed up as a slutty slut, er - I mean "Lady Luck" and Dane as the famed fuzzy dice. Sarah was the best Queen of Hearts for $5 that there ever was. The party was at a HUGE house in Gleneagle complete with indoor pool!! Of course, being Vegas themed and all, there was a stripper pole. We had a lot of fun, despite the Rockies loss (AGAIN!), and played games - HG got on the pole, MR did - even DANE did!! We all got on the pole. By 1 am it was time for volleyball in the pool, naked or not - you decide. I didn't want to get my Victoria's Secret bra all messed up so I had to go in topless. Hee hee. Harmless fun. We played till 3am then finally wrapped up in towels and went to bed in our respective rooms.

Sunday: All the partying and playing and eating and drinking caught up to us this morning and we felt and looked like ass. It was all I could do to function properly. It even took me 30 minutes to sign online and check in for our flight. The Keiths (party hosts) made us waffles and coffee and it was the best waffles and coffee we've ever had. By noon we were on our way to Dave and Busters listening to 40's music in the car and laughing about the days and nights and weekend's events. We ate another big meal at D&B and then played games till Stacy and her family showed up and so did Randall. Then we all did our thing till it was time to go back home. We dropped the dice off and said one last goodbye to Denver. By the time the plane landed I felt almost human again. It was late when we finally hit the hay, both with big smiles on our face for such a successful trip. It was even better than I could have imagined or hoped for. I saw many of my good friends, and even more people I wasn't expecting to see.

Today: I stayed home today which was good because our foster kitties needed medical attention. Turns out the one needs to have his eye plucked out tomorrow morning. I've been a crying mess and Dane and I have already decided to adopt and name him "One Eyed Willy". I've managed to do laundry, rest, do some errands, rest, and regroup for the audit. Once I get to work tomorrow it will be time to hit the ground running for the audit prep and budget work. Thank God I'm on break from school, I have a huge list of things to take care of like blogging, cleaning, picture making, and exercising. I hope I can get it all done in the next month. I officially start my diet and training tomorrow. I'll need to after the pounds I know I gained on this trip. Also today - Dane handed in his resignation to Denali. He did it with a very heavy heart and is sad but knows it's time to move on. It's hard to move away from the reason that moved you someplace to begin with, but it was time. He's at a rollout right now, which will last all night, poor guy.

I'm off to watch Elizabeth and cuddle my cats. Picture essay to come.

BIG BOOTY HO!!!

Check out this mess:

F-me boots complete with thigh high sable colored fishnet stockings, skirt (thank gawd it wasn't a mini - look at that ass!), tiny top that I had no business wearing as my business was hanging out all over the place, cute shrug - the only shred (or shrug) of conservatism on me, and a necklace/earring set that I proceeded to lose not long after this pic was taken. Eye yigh yigh! Actually it's not so bad, but I could lose abou 20 lbs before wearing an outfit like this again. Oh well, Dane liked it and I did get a lot of compliments. I think I'm just growing out of wearing stuff like this but it was fun to play skank up for the night. :-)

Life in the Petri Dish

So last weekend was a lot of fun. Friday was spent resting and staying in. We got some cleaning done but mostly just sat around. I got a call from Tommy from CT at about 9 and spent 2 hours talking to him. It was nice to catch up and talk to an old friend. By the time I got off the phone with him I was tired and ready for bed. Woke up Saturday and completed the days chores. I was not successful in finding a crappy red bra for my costume. Lame. I might try Ross or Target if I have time. May have to wait till CO.

Got ready in a super skanky outfit (I'll post pics later) complete with lots of cleavage, black knee high boots, skirt, sable fishnets - it was awesome. I was all boob. We had a great time though, Angela and her friends rented out a whole bar for the occasion. They had good food, more bistro than bar. We had fresh cheese and wine and risotto w/ fresh roasted veggies. I think I drank my weight in champagne and chambord, good drink but I felt it on Sunday! After the bar we all headed back to our place for hot tub fun. I'm not sure what happened but the hot tub started getting colder and colder - we have no idea why. By about 5 am and 92 degrees it was time to get out and call it night. I was extremely pleased to go to bed before the sun came up, no small feat with this group. Good times though. I almost passed out for the night after we all got home but they convinced me to get up and I agreed on the condition that I could wear my fuzzy, purple robe. Whatever.

Needless to say Sunday was spent on the couch wishing I could die and wondering if I really was dying. I will say that I looked totally cute though because I used this stuff called Final Seal by Ben Nye and it keeps your make up from running or getting smeared and it works!! Through the bar, sweating, the hot tub, sleeping, everything - my make up did not change. This pic was taken half way through Sunday:


Anyway - the weekend was good. I'm getting excited for Colorado. We have a lot of fun stuff in store - Casa Bonita, all my favorite restaurants, Colorado Springs, Cave of the Winds, not to mention seeing some of my favorite people in the world (Sarah and Max to name a few)!! I'm excited to be back home and see my friends and just be home, even if only for a few. I'm really excited to show my new Seattle friends off to my old friends and show them all my old digs. It's almost all I can think about. In fact I'm going to make a packing list right now.

But first - check out this picture of me taken 13 years ago - in November of 1994. I was 14. Look at those horrible eyebrows, crazy lipstick, horrible dye job (courtesy of a box I'm sure) and hair cut. What a dork I was!

News

So life is coming along. Things are busy at work but not crazy out of control. The finance committee meeting went VERY WELL. I always knew it would sort of be the make it or break it session and I've worked hard gearing up to it so I knew it would go well, but it went really, really well. Even with the hang ups and obstacles. Now I'm just tying up loose ends and preparing for the audit. After the audit I will work hard core on the budget then polishing up our GL and stuff for the new year and make sure everything is in order for Oct. Once that's done, it will be Thanksgiving - just in time for a nice break. Then we will hit the holiday season but life will be much simpler.

I love my job at Treehouse. With the fiscal year ending I'm reminded of my life at TSA and specifically last year when all the drama started and remember how unhappy I was. Life at TH is wonderful and I'm appreciated here and my work is recognized and I have a chance to really make a difference. I love that. I'm learning a lot too and you wouldn't believe how much better I've gotten at handling situations - even stressful ones, though I'm still not an ace. So just now the Executive Director came in to my office to congratulate me on the finance committee meeting yesterday. She gave tons of kudos and says she's really happy, proud of me, then she thanked me for everything I've done. I'm BEAMING right now. YAY!!!

The statistics class I was in is finally over and I'm on hiatus from school. I'm happy to be done with that and on a break. It's giving me time to focus on getting in to an exercise routine that works for me. I've started personal training and my trainer, Quinn, is great but she's serious about this. She' going to be monitoring my food and exercise and she expects me to stick with it. She's allowed me one cheat day a week. She worked up my diet plan based on what I already eat (including my fast food options like Wendy's baked potatoe and salad and Subway's veggie delight). She's not happy with the lack of protein I get in my diet. Anyway - she's totally working with my lifestyle and not instructing me to do things I'll never do (like cook). I'll see her on Tues and Thurs for the next 3 months. I'm really excited about this and think this will be perfect to help me develop a routine and lifestyle habits that work. I've been changing up my habits little by little over the years and feel like I'm in the homestretch to a healthy, balanced lifestyle.

I changed my hair - it's more blond and I cut the hair around the side of my face to give it structure. It's cute.




Things are going okay w/ Dane. I'm mad at him right now. He plays WOW and I get that it's stress relief for him and sometimes there are events and missions and whatever but I expect to trump WOW. The other night I had a really rough night and I even had the opportunity to go hang out w/ a girlfriend but I really just wanted a hug and comfort from my Mr. Man and he got all huffy with me and told me he couln't possibly ditch TEN PEOPLE that NEEDED him to complete the mission. And he TOLD me about this event. Whatever. He did tell me about it but it's not like I planned to have a bad day and need him. I was really disappointed that he would ignore me like that and continue on with his game. Instead I went to dinner by myself. I came home and cleaned then went to bed. I've been talking to him and stuff, cause I have to, but I'm still really upset by this episode. I've talked to him before about it and he knows that it hurts me yet he continues to do it. I'm not sure why he thinks it's okay to keep doing this to me and I'm not sure how to express how upset it makes me. It's like whenever I talk to him about it he says he's sorry and I'm right but then goes right back to doing the same thing! I don't expect him to not play games and even encourage him to do when I'm busy with school. But I'm on break right now and only had 2 nights this week to spend with him. Both nights he spent on the computer. Whatever. I'm not sure what I'll do about this, if I'll even do anything for now. Mostly I'm just hurt. I really wanted him and he let me down. :-(

I need to get to work for now but I will blog more now that life has calmed down. Maybe I'll get back to the wedding someday, I know I need to because I will regret it later if I don't, but for now I'll just keep up to speed with daily life because I really do love my blog.