And I'm Off!

Tomorrow I leave for Colorado:

I'm interested to see what has changed and what has stayed the same.
I'm excited to see my friends and family.
I'm nervous about the long drive ahead.
I'm excited to spend a night in Vegas with Rhi.
I'm already irritated at house stressful things will be.
I'm excited to go to Moab.
I'm nervous about the Jeep and how it will drive.
I want/don't want to drive the Jeep.
I'm looking forward to Boulder with Sarah.
I'm thankful Amy is picking me up and I'll get one on one time with her.
I wonder who will go to Dave & Busters.
I'm anxious to see Marcia and happy to go to the museum with her.
I look forward to seeing my niece and nephew and going to the zoo.
I'm not looking forward to how much money I will be spending.
I can't WAIT to eat at: House of Kabob, Black Eyed Pea, Le Peep, China Taipei, and Mongolian BBQ.
I wish I had lost more weight.
I'm thankful I have NO school for the whole time.
I'm going to miss Dane.
I'm going to miss my kitties!
I'm happy to see my dad.
I wonder what I'll think of Colorado after having been gone for a while.
I hope the weather is nice.

The Swinging World of Swingers

Wow. I had the most enlightening weekend. Just 3 days ago I would have preached about how horrible and immoral just the thought of "swinging" was. But now that I've tried it, I cannot believe how amazing it is and how many doors it has "swung" wide open for Dane and I. We've been hanging out with some friends of mine that shall remain nameless, let's just call them BR and JT. They are married and very open about their "activities". Dane and I have always been like "yeah -whatever" and ignored that part of them as we enjoyed their company. Well, we went to dinner on Saturday night at the local Mexican restaurant (after desicrating Heather's office with over 350 balloons filled with confetti) and had a few too many margaritas. Next thing I know we are headed back to our house for some fun in the hot tub. Since BR and JT didn't have their suits, we decided - what the hey, let's just skinny dip. And we all know what hot tubs + nudity + alcohol = gratuitous sex! At first I was a little squeemish, but then as I realized how much fun Dane was having with JT, I loosened up and decided to go for it too. It was so hot watching Dane and JT and being watched by JT and Dane. And then JT started to wink at me and before I knew it, JT and I were ALL over each other!! Wow-what a night!! I know I should feel dirty and remorseful, but all I can think about is: when can we do it again!!

Not. This is a humorous reminder that above all my blog is a diary of events, a planner for the future, and a way for people to see what's new in my life at their leisure. It is not the end all be all to ALL my thoughts. It does not contain EVERY detail of my life NOR does it map out my plans in excess for the future. To a large degree I leave a lot of information out for personal reasons. That's not to say that I don't share funny, embarrassing, or sexy stories. It is to say that some stuff is personal. Do not cast judgement on me because you do or don't see something in here that you think should be. You want a blog, get your own at www.blogger.com.

What really happened this weekend: Friday night I drank a couple glasses of wine on an empty belly and then got up the courage to tell Dane that I was upset that he didn't call me to let me know he was coming home late. I left out the "other woman" part....till later. Dane really did do an amazing job of making me feel like I was the world to him. He bought me flowers and a card and listened to me and made googly eyes at me - we had a lot of fun on Friday. We went to Taco Bell for dinner and then drove go karts w/ Nick and Jacob and Mog for Nick's b-day. After that I went home to go to bed while the boys went to a strip club for Nick. Nick got a double lap dance for his b-day courtesy of Dane and Crystal. Dane got a lap dance just because courtesy of Jebis (my alter-ego). He was not thrilled. Saturday I started my Income Tax class, should be better than the last. Then went to lunch w/ Dane and then to Seattle to cover Heather's office in balloons (yes we really did that). Afterwards we went to dinner w/ my boss Rebecca and Tom (who were in on the balloon fray). We drank diet coke and water. :-) Then Dane and I went home and watched the South Park Rewind w/ Nick and Jacob. I went to bed at 11. Sunday we spent the day getting fresh produce and seafood at Pike Place Market. Then I went to my team meeting, then we went to see Ice Age 2, then went home and relaxed.

Now I just need to focus on closing March (a quarter end as well) and getting everything together before I leave for CO. I can't wait!!!

What's Happening to Me?

So I got to looking through my blog. Not sure how it started, I was just taking a slight break and then next thing I know, 20 minutes is gone reviewing the last year of my life. I look at my posts from a year ago and I laugh! I miss that Crystal! What have I become?! What have I lost in order to get here? How can I get it back?! I"m not playful anymore. I'm not happy. I don't have spunk. I'm all business and it's boring.

Dane spent the better part of last night with another woman. I don't even pretend to know why. I don't even want to spend time with me, why would he? It's like - I try so hard to lose weight and be beautiful and be career minded and everything he wants me to be, but I find that I feel stiffled. I want to be pretty again. I want to be noticed. I don't know if I like this new, quiet Crystal. I spent the last six months convincing myself that I need to become this calm, quiet, mums-the-word person and now I resent it! WHAT HAPPENED TO ME!!!

What happened to the Crystal that spoke her mind? What happened to the Crystal that didn't get pushed around? What happened to the Crystal that was strong no matter what? The way I am now, you'd think a stiff breeze would blow me over and that's simply NOT my character. I used to talk. I used to smile and coerce others to smile too. I used to fit in.

So I'm going on on this blog about poor me and this and that and then I just had a great talk at work w/ Kimberly. We laughed, exchanged ideas and notes, and bonded. :-)

And then Amy sends me this:
"Dude I never thought about how much it must suck to be an earthworm... They come out of the ground when it is all moist and glistening and enticing... and then the rain stops. And the sun comes out. And the rain dries up. And they get all crispy before they can worm their way back home.
Do you think they have conscious thoughts (like "Oh sh*t!") and feelings of pain while they're frying?"

How can I be upset about my life after that?! D@mn Amy and her ruining my Seattle Angst!

Colorado in May!

What the toot?! It's been almost two weeks since my last post! Many pardons, or "my bad". Anyway - looks like I'll be in Colorado for May to help my folks move. I will be flying in on Wed and leaving on Sunday and I thought 5 days was plenty of time to catch up. WRONG!! As it were, it worked out well for me to take my two week consecutive vaca time and combine CO with my annual Moab trip. So here goes, the crazy a$$ schedule:

Wed, May 17th: Amy picks me up at 6:30 and we go out for dinner and drinks and one on one time. Maybe I can even get to see Kailea. If nothing else, it will be AWESOME to rekindle the old late night dinner and drinks spirit Amy and I once partook in once a week for many years.

Thurs, May 18th: Amy drops me off at mom's and I spend the day with my sister and niece and nephew. Early dinner at 5:00 at House of Kabob (I can't live without eating their hummus) and then off to Dave & Buster's for fun and games with anyone and everyone who can make it out there. Spend the night w/ Rhi, where I'll get some one on one time with her.

Friday, May 19th: Orignally I was going to spend this with Amy, but as it turns out I will be going to lunch w/ the C&C crew, then to the Body Worlds exhibit at the museum of Nature and Science. From there Joe, Sohie and I will probably go to a Rockies game and then out on the town.

Saturday, May 20th: Lunch with Max and Sarah at Le Peep, hopefully - we'll see if I can convince them to go there (I can't wait to see how big Max has gotten). Then Sarah and I will go to Boulder for the day - can't wait! I need some one on one time with her desperately. After that we will go to dinner at Mongolian BBQ then hit some lazy bar around town. I get to stay at Sarah's NEW house and see the place, can't wait!

Sunday, May 21st: Brunch at China Taipei (this is a must - I NEED their combo fried rice). Then off to load my truck with the fabu assistance of Miss Rhi. Sometime on Sunday my parents, my aunt, my dad's friend, and I will set a course for Western Colorado, maybe stay in Glenwood or something.

Monday, May 22nd: Drive.

Tuesday, May 23rd: Drive.

Wednesday, May 24th: Drive and unload in Carmel, CA.

Thursday, May 25th: Catch an early flight out of San Jose to Salt Lake City to rendez-vous w/ Dane, who will have been driving all night from Bellevue to get to SLC. We'll dine w/ his mom and then continue down to Moab, arriving in the late evening. Not wanting to worry about lugging the camping gear, losing time setting up the camping gear, and just generally wanting to relax, we opted for a hotel this year at Moab - thank GAWD!

Friday, May 26th: Four wheeling

Saturday, May 27th: Four wheeling

Sunday, May 28th: Four wheeling

Monday, May 29th: Non-four wheeling related group activity - water rafting, hiking, rock climbing, maybe sky diving - that would be fun...Leave for WA by 3:00 in the afternoon, drive all day and night with a short pit stop in SLC again.

Tuesday, May 30th: Drive, home in time to attend my Fremont Summer Solstice dance class.

Wednesday, May 31st: Sleep in and REST!! Do laundry, homework and basically catch up from the business of the last two weeks.

I'm lucky in that May 21st - 27th I have off of school entirely meaning I do not have to make any discussion posts online OR turn in any homework. I will have to make a daily post on the 17th - 20th though, but that shouldn't be too hard. Especially since I'll have my laptop. Then it's a "quiet week" May 28th - June 3rd, meaning I only have homework due, no discussion posts. How lucky is that?! Whoo!

So here's to wishing me a safe drive and all that jazz!

The Pain of the Past

Who knew it would cost so much and hurt so bad to remove the mistakes of my past?! O-U-C-H!!!! I went in for my first of 6 - 10 laser tattoo removal sessions. I have begun Phase 1 of my total body renovation. For some reason turning 26 lit a fire under my ass that will not be soon put out. I am no where near where I thought I would be and/or wanted to be at 26, so plans are moving forward at ludicrous speed. All the excuses that I made up before are null. Time is of the essense and it will take a good 2 - 4 years to complete everything that I intend to do by the time 30 slaps me in the face. The following is my personal list of goals made public, for all to hold me accountable for. Voila!


Goals for 30th birthday
Education
Completed Bachelor's degree - in process/to be completed 10/06
Completed Master's degree - possible completion Spring '08, otherwise Spring '09
Enrolled in study program for CPA exam - No later than Summer '08 or '09
Information gathered on law degree or PHD - School/program/timeframe selected by Winter '09

Career
Earning at the very least $55,000/year ($43K inflation, $2K BA, $5K MA) - speaks for itself
Revolving CFA and/or more corps under my belt, or mini-controller - ditto

Community
Continue fostering animals for Humane Society - this is already in place since Dec '05
Become a mentor for children - I have a training session in May to attend
Obtain info on child fostering/adopting - I have a lot of info on this already, but by 30 I will get serious about it

Body
Tattoos removed - in process/to be completed by December '06
Junk hair removed - I'm still iffy on this, but if I go for it, done by Summer '07
Teeth whitened - consultation appointment made/to be completed by Summer '06
Augmentation - I'm still iffy on this too, I will only consider it if goal weight is met and maintained and even then it's iffy. If I do this, it will be done between my bachelors and masters programs, so completed by Summer '07
Stable 130 - 140 lbs - this is ongoing with not much progress *sigh*
Non-dyed, healthy hair - so far so good, I just have to not be tempted to dye it again
Eyebrows touched up - this will happen on a trip to Colorado, probably sometime in Summer '07

Mind
Continued yoga practice - in process/morning routine
Painting - in process/watercolor lessons
Dancing - in process/drama of dance, followed by Summer Solstice training, then PowerBelly

Frivalties
Tanning bed - I want this by Dec '06
Hot tub - purchased 3/25/06. :-)
Massage membership - I still need to look into this
Maid - in place since Jan '06 - love them!!!
Convertible sports car - hmmmm, this one depends on Mr. Man's raise/money, not mine :-)
New motorcycle - to be purchased after Moab, an 06 GSXR 1000 for Mr. Man
Travel - so far only moving my parents and Moab is scheduled for the year outside of small WA state trips. I think we will go somewhere around the holidays, but I don't know where or for how long.
Kauai - maybe we will go here?
Greece - this is for the honeymoon and/or masters graduation
Vancouver - maybe we will do this for my two weeker in August

So I have a few goals and about 3.5 years to do it. I think all the above thoughts and goals are 100% attainable. They are realistic, within reason, and within my control to accomplish. And I've got a good start on a good portion of the list.

In the meantime, I think tequilla shots are necessary for my next laser visit!

New Post

That's all I have to report at this time.

Spoiled

I'm spoiled. Dane and I purchased a hot tub this weekend. First of all, our back patio is P-E-R-F-E-C-T for it, it's nothing but a concrete pad. Second, I pulled my credit (in the excellent range *BEAM*) BUT it was suggested that I establish more credit and hang on to the cards that I have. I can't believe I didn't even think about this, but when I paid off all my credit cards I got when I was 18 (Capital One, Household Bank, Mervyns, Express, etc) and closed the accounts, I actually did some damage. Creditors look for longetivity (I should have known this) and for all intents and purposes I have only had credit since '03 when I opened all my current credit cards. Let me tell you how stoopid I feel. D'oh. Oh well, time will fix that mistake. Anyway, after learning that I need to establish more credit, Dane and I sat down and thought about all the things we want and what we can finance. A hot tub came up and next thing you know we bought one and it's being installed on Thursday. We sat in the SUPER EXTREMELY EXTRAVAGANT OUTRAGEOUS ALL THE BELLS AND WHISTLES AND EVEN CLEANS YOUR HOUSE tub first. It was awesome. Sound system, foot massagers all the way around, rotating and pulsating back massagers, chrome fittings and knobs, mother of pearl futuristic shell, automatic cover lifter, water fountain with back lit lights so the water coming out of the fountain looks colored, this tub was awesome. It was also almost $11,000. Thank gawd our neighbor slash lifeguard was with us otherwise I might have drown after hearing the price tag. Once rescued I suggested a different, perhaps "no frills" tub. The sales guy laughed and said he totally understood. He directed us to a different brand but still a subsidary of the uber tub brand. The tub was just as nice, same materials, same quality, same makers, nothing shiny or fancy - just a completely functional hot tub. This tub was WAY cheaper and definitely in our price range. The sales guy likened it to the difference between the Mercedes S class and C class. The C class still has all the reputation of a Mercedes and a bit of luxury without the luxury price. For those who want a Mercedes w/o paying $60,000, they get a C class. Sure they want to be in an S class, but a C class Mercedes is still a Mercedes. Of course we want the uber tub, but a hot tub of the same make is still a hot tub. And of course let's not mention how ridiculous it would be if we got a nice ass hot tub for a house we don't even own. It'd be like putting nice rims on a Metro. No matter how nice the rims are, it just looks silly.

I celebrated my second weekend of no take home work. I still had a lot of homework and I still brought home some work in case I was tempted but I'm getting pretty tired of working on the weekends. I realize it's my fault I'm behind, but I need a break before I quit and become a barista. Dane and I had friends over on Friday and then I went to the Bellydance Superstars show w/ Laura Rose on Saturday. My first complete girls night out (save PDX w/ Jojo) since I've been here. It was very low key and much needed. We talked about our lives, Colorado, credit, body modification, and bellydance all over happy hour sushi.

We came home early today to meet the electrician (for the hot tub) and our cleaners were still here. I'm sad because it will be their last time here. The woman (Mercedes) is ill and can no longer be around the chemicals used to clean houses (this is the best explanation we could come up with between our lack of a common language). I like Mercedes and Jose a lot and I will miss having their touch to my house. I guess we will get new cleaners, but I will still miss them. I hope she gets well soon. I worry for her and her husband. But they seem to be doing well.

School is going better this week. I dropped a load of cash on some interactive tutorials and study books to help me adjust to this new learning environment. It should help.

I haven't worked out since Wed of last week. I'm so bad. I will go tomorrow for my prescribed hour and ten minutes. I discovered that 1.5 hours was just too much, but just over an hour a couple times a week and just under an hour a few times a week is just right. Of course I packed on the pounds that I lost courtesy of daquiris, pizza, and lobster. I'm so bad. Oh well, I'll just have to work that much harder.

Look at me. I'm totally chastising myself for taking a weekend to relax, purchasing something that I'd like to have and is relaxing, eating good food and not exercising to the point of exhaustion. And here I thought I had calmed down. I haven't calmed down a bit, I've just exiled everything else out of my life (friends, nail care, hair care, etc) so I could become a nazi about work, school, and my body. What happened to my mind and spirit. I even have an art room and tools for relaxation. I have a yoga mat and humidifier for moving meditation. WTF. Back to the drawing board for me I guess. I need to come up with a good plan and stick to it. A reasonable plan. Just cause there are 7 days a week does not mean I have to work out each one. Just because I goof up one day on my diet doesn't mean I should throw in the towel. Just because school is a little tougher, I don't have to spend hours on it every d*mn day. Just because I'm behind at work doesn't mean I can't enjoy my time off from it!

New plan = workout 3 - 5 times a week. Weekend calories can be up to 2000. At least 5 hours a week dedicated to painting, dancing, yoga, whatever. No work on the weekends unless absolutely necessary. No more than 5 hours of homework on the weekends unless absolutely necessary. Let's see how well I stick to this plan.

A Break!

Well, I didn't plan it this way, but I took this weekend off from work. It would have been too much otherwise. I haven't had a weekend off in over two weeks now and I was getting seriously burnt out. I will have to work harder this week, but that's no big deal.

Friday Dane spent the entire day at a local Irish pub. He was tanked by the time I picked him up at 6 wearing his green shirt and painted clover on his forehead. It's not often (if ever) a completely sober Crystal has seen a completely smashed Dane. It was amusing to say the least. We went home, had a few friends over for games. I went to bed early, Dane passed out early, and our friends stayed over till after 2 am playing and having fun. It was just like old times at the Lameria house.

Saturday morning started early for me with my Advanced Accounting class. Taking the classes on flex-net will definitely be an adjustment from on-campus, but I think I will like it. I will like my team too. They only had two members so they were very happy to have me come aboard. After class I went home and completely some chores. Then Dane and Nick came home and we decided to go see V for Vendetta - good movie. On the way home I got slightly irritated w/ the crew I was with and decided to hit the liquor store and then walk home to get fresh air. It was good for me and I'm glad I got the chance to exercise. We ended up playing games and watching TV till 5 am (I can't believe we stayed up that late - time flies when you are having fun)!

Sunday was just warm enough for a motorcycle ride downtown. After that Dane and I napped for a bit (we are getting so old). Then we watched Discovery Channel till about 11 and called it a day.

So not much too exciting, but I definitely needed a break. I feel rejuvenated and ready to kick ass on my closings. Almost done w/ January.

I felt really sad on Saturday. It would have been really nice to have a friend to call up and go share a drink with, but alas - I don't really know anyone on that level here. I almost called Heather but in the end decided to just hang out at home. Growing older is sad. I'm having a lot of revelations about growing up, people were right. I will probably write more about this thought thread when I have collected my ideas, but for now I'm sorta lost in weird dimension. Perhaps its better that I am going through this on my own, I stand to learn a lot about myself in the process.

Humility

I think the biggest and best lesson I've learned since living here is humility. Even just 6 months ago I thought I knew everything there was to know. You couldn't tell me otherwise. When I first started this job and RB said it will take a good year to learn everything, I laughed to myself and scoffed "those fools - I'll have this stuff down by December!" I was wrong. I am still floundering. But I am also learning. Then I used to think that if I wasn't doing it, it wasn't getting done right OR I was the only one who should carry my burden. I was wrong. Admitting defeat and then asking for help was the hardest thing I've done so far here. And I'm not talking "I don't know how to do this" help, I'm talking "I know exactly how to do this and I have no excuse for why it hasn't been done yet but it needs to be done now" help. It was not easy for me to ask HG to close one of my corps for me, but I'm glad I did. Not only did it teach me a lesson, and lighten the load, the corps ended up needing it sooner than I would have otherwise been able to provide it. Close call saved by asking for help. Maybe I will do that more often.

In other news, the process is slow going, but I am steadily losing weight and firming up. I've lost about 5 lbs in the last month. Nothing crazy, but I can also tell that it's not coming back. I've made a lot of lifestyle changes recently in order to become healthy and lose weight and I have a feeling that if I continue what I'm doing, I will drop the weight in about 6 months or so. Not as fast as I want, but a steady drop is fantastic.

I started my first round of homework last night for accounting. I forgot how much I love accounting. The hussle and bussle of the Army has taken from the general joy I get from doing accounting (for now - it will get better) and doing a few simple problems restored that joy and also my confidence in my abilities. Look out Master's degree - here I come, ready or not!

Dane is busy with his Jeep. Good for him. Moab will be just around the corner - he needs all the prep time he can get his hands on.

I start a new belly dance class with Laura Rose tomorrow - it should be fun to spend more time w/ her. Then in May we will begin preparing for the Fremont Parade. Delilah is planning on taking over the parade and has scheduled a Seattle belly dance retreat called the Billion Belly March. I'm excited to work with LR on this project. I also hope some of my CO friends can make it up to see the parade, it will be a remarkable event.

That's it for now. My Dewey is the sweetest cat in the world. He sleeps next to my pillow each night and lets me put my arms around him and cuddle. And when I'm tired of laying on that side, I turn to the other and cuddle Stinker. I LOVE MY CATS!!!

No Way Out

*sigh* I hate and love my job so much I'm completely confused. I'm so stressed but as calm as I've ever been. I'm completely happy and utterly depressed with my life. What the eff, yo? :-)

Seriously though, we had a group CFA meeting this morning and got our asses handed to us. Between the FPP accts, the kettle season, and just the normal delays of the holidays, and then the backdraft of it all, all us CFA's are tardy on our financial reports and our boss got her ass handed to her from her boss, and we all know that sh*t rolls down yahtty yahtty yah...And I'm so behind it hurts. I am working every weekend and some weekday nights in March in order to catch up to "zero". This is so stressful, I can't even begin to explain. And I know all of it is brought on myself cause I have to be some perfectionist superhero or something. Geesh CJE - STOP YOUR STUPID SELF!!! So that's the part I hate. The part I love is how well I get along w/ my boss and the other CFA's. We are such a great team - everyone pulls for the other and there is so much support, it's amazing. And the bottom line - (and this is so great) no matter how upset the bosses get about stuff being tardy, they still love us and appreciate us to the hilt. We are CONSTANTLY encouraged and assured that we are in no "permenant" danger. I love that. In past jobs I've always feared being fired. Not here. Love that!

So I've managed to cut the "fat" from my life to the point that I have more free time than I've ever known what to do with. By cut the fat I mean that I've whiddled my schedule down to work, working out, homework, and freetime only. No more nails, very few tanning sessions, no friends to meet with (in town anyway), no away-from-home yoga or belly dancing (that's all done at the house now). Nothing but time. Of course the majority of it is now allocated to homework and work work, but I need that time right now. The rest of the time is split between much needed relaxation, painting, yoga, reading, and playing with kitties. So while I'm stressed over work and school, that's all I'm stressed about.

As for happiness - I really do love it here. I don't plan on leaving for a while. I laugh because everyone always talks about Seattle and the rain. So there is rain, but not what I psyched myself out for so it's been a pleasant surprise. And then everyone said I would miss the Rocky Mountains. Which I do and they are beautiful but if I look to the West, I can see the Olympic Range. If I look to the East, I can see the Cascades. If I look South, Mr. Mt. Rainer is all up in my business (most days - he's a slacker in the winter). If I look North, Mt. Baker sometimes says hello (she's shy). So I have everything here that I had in CO, but what I have here that I am learning I love so much is WATER!! How did I live 25 years of my life and not be around water? It's so beautiful!! And just the feel of this place - I feel at home here.

As for depression - I'm tired of talking about it or going into it. Let's just say it's old. It's disgusting. It's an absolute mockery of me and of us. It's fake, it's phony. And I hate myself for backing myself into a place that I can't get out of. I'm counting on a few key individuals right now to pull through for me, and once they do - well, we will leave that for the jury. *I realize this last part is about as vague as can be. But I know what it's about. For anyone else, insert any Supreme Court case you would like. Think of it as an amusing mad lib. After all, what more can anyone do but laugh?

Seattle Times

Well not much to report. So I'm just going to go off on a tangent and let my fingers type whatever they want.

Dane got a Jeep on Sunday. It's not a looker but it will be able to out trail our Montero. We saw pics of it doing trails that we could only hear stories about in the past years. Dane has some work to do before we can get it to Moab, mostly odds and ends stuff. The Montero will be parted out and/or sold for a small price. It's saddening, but also very exciting for the new Jeep. Dane is scared to drive it. It's a monster. He's so happy. He spent Monday night in the garage tightening bolts (that's about all he knows how to do at this point) and dreaming up all the different things he can do to it. Good for him, I'm so glad he is happy.

We are also talking about getting him a new motorcycle too. He is deciding between a Hayabosa, a new GSXR1000, or a ZX-10. I will inherit his old GSXR1000 - yeah me!! He's looking up parts for the old gixxer so he can give it to me in nice, clean shape. Awe, how sweet. I can't complain about that!

We have our whole summer layed out as far as game/movie nights (to coincide w/ my school Saturdays), motorcycle trips, and bike Sundays. August has been deemed "get to know your surrounding volcanoes" month. Dane and I will trek to each volcano on the bikes - Baker, Rainer, St. Helens, and Hood. Should be good times.

We have another foster kitty named Precious - who tugs at my heartstrings. Dane and I have to force feed her at nights and it breaks our hearts! She's so sniffly and wheezy - but she's such a trooper, she purrs through it all and then she gets her treat of us brushing her to her heart's content. Poor little dear. :-(

That's about all for now. School is going okay at best. Work is going well, but busy. March is stay at home month. Dane and I dubbed it that so we could focus on special household projects, rest after 4 months of non-stop action, save money for Moab, test out a theory I have on alcohol and dieting, and so I can catch up on work. It's March and I still haven't closed all my corps for December or January - BAD CRYSTAL!!

I suppose

It's time for another entry. Though I have nothing to report. Absolutely nothing. But I can make a semi-interesting list of facts:

1. The weekend in PDX went well, I had a great time with Dane. We did a little partying on Saturday and our fav Greek place - Dane got drunk! Not often that that happens. All in all it was a fun little getaway.
2. Work is going well, I am getting better and faster at closing even though it has still taken me a while to get through the muck of kettle season.
3. I am continuing to work out according to Rhi's Routine. My boss has even joined the gym and goes with me 2 - 3 times a week. And I've started doing yoga again, though I do it at home in my yoga/art room.
4. I have started on a watercolor painting lesson, good stuff.
5. I heard back from my doctor, who wants me to come in again for more testing.
6. I am becoming more and more anti-social. The more time I take to myself, the more cautious I am about who I spend my time with when I'm not with myself. I guess now that I've slowed down, I really appreciate the down low nature of everything and I've found that I don't welcome or want the previous drama that seemed to exist in my life in CO. Here in WA things are slow, at my pace. I love that.
7. Rhi is in town for a few hours this weekend. We should have a wonderful time watching Delilah and Laura Rose belly dance, then afterwards we will go out w/ LR for a while - I haven't seen her in a while either. Rhi will have just enough time for dinner, some chat, and to pack her car as full as she can before she's off to Denver and Dane and I are off to Tacoma for a game night.
8. I love that I have a fun relationship with my boss and colleages.
9. No new news from Mom & Dad.
10. Dewey is adorable.

That is all. Riviting, I know.

Space Invaders

So I spent Saturday on the phone with Sarah. I miss her so much. There are very few people who I am really close to these days and she is still and always will be one of them. After talking to her, I talked to Mom, Jojo, and still needed to call Steven, Rhi, and Stacy but had to get ready for gay bingo, the theme being "from outer space". What a ball that was! We had a great time! I only had about 3 drinks but they were half alcohol so I was feeling pretty good. After the bingo game we decided to go to Jillian's (a low budget Dave & Busters look alike) and after another 2 long island iced teas I bent down to pick up a coin and the bouncer swooped in and took my drink, cutting me off. Shocked because I was no where near cut off status, a scene ensued. Now normally this is just the breaks of going out and drinking. You win some, you lose some. But this was in front of my boss and colleague. Oops. My boss thinks it's because I was wearing my space helmet all night.

I think about all the crazy things I've worn to places, a cape and star sunglasses to D&B, a pizza box to Mario's, my goth outfits, the Dr. Seuss hat my mom bought me, tons of crazy things and I've never gotten cut off. I guess in Seattle people are more uptight about that kind of thing and you are OBVIOUSLY drunk if you wear a silly hat. Whatever.

I apologized to my boss first thing this morning for causing a scene and she just laughed and said it was not a big deal at all. Then we made plans to go work out tonight. So all is well, but we are never going back to Jillian's. Freaks.

Other than that, not much to report. Dane and I are going to Portland this weekend for a Valentines Day celebration. I have class tomorrow so we can't even go to dinner. We are staying at the Jupiter for their lovers package, and I can't say too much but we got both the naughty and nice package which includes flowers and champagne in our room both days and an hour long massage for both of us as well as some other unmentionables. Dane is in charge of fun while we are there, but I suspect we will visit our favorite Greek restaurant, Chinese restaurant (yes.), and of course FUDDRUCKERS!!!! WHEEEE!!!!

Next week Ms. Rhi is in town for one night which we will spend at Kolbeh with Delilah and crew. Should be loads of fun. Then Sat night is game night in Tacoma w/ my boss. Good times.

I Don't Feel any Different

Well I'm 26. Doesn't feel any different yet I feel a world apart from the "me" who turned 25 a year ago. For starters I'm a lot heavier than I was a year ago. By almost 20 lbs to be exact. I attribute a lot of the gain to quitting smoking and starting eating in excess. Now that that is under control, I'm left with the overwhelming results. I think I might have a thyroid problem and I intend to see the doctor about it. All the symptons and signs point to it, including the rapid weight gain even when I have been eating well under 1500 calories a day and burning off an extra 250 - 500 5 times a week. Completely unexplainable and unexceptable.

Then there's my relationship with Dane. A year ago I thought a proposal was just around the corner and was told that he was waiting for enough money to buy a nice ring. After a year and not a peep, I inquired to learn he thought I was serious when I said I wanted 2+ carats on a platinum band. I also said that each year he waits, the carat value goes up (which would mean we'd be at 5 carats). Somehow he realized that was a joke and not the other. So when I asked him about what he thought I would have said if he presented a less than 2 carat diamond ring, he couldn't answer. I persued even more and said - "if you thought I would decline based on ring size then not only do you not know me, but why would YOU be with a woman like that?!" Honestly, and this is very hard for me to say, feel, and understand, but I don't think he has any intention of marrying me. This is a hard pill to swallow because I have been with this man for over 4 years now, we are in our 5th year together. I moved across the country, away from all my friends and family and put a HUGE damper on my schooling, to be with him and support him in the greatest opportunity of his life. I've built my life around him (thanks to Stevie Nicks for such a wonderful phrase and song) and now I'm watching it for the first time without a shrowd of disillusionment. After all this time I look around me and see that I have been trying to go over "here" and Dane has been over "there" this whole time with absolutely no ambition or intention of going over "here" with me.

So I'm left with the following options: #1 - stay with Dane because I'd rather be with him and not married than #2 be without him and single. I've thought long and hard on this and I still haven't made up my mind. Marriage to me is very important and I think at this point I've devalidated it by staying w/ someone so long without making it official. However, is that all a pipe dream that's stuffed down the minds of young girls? Should I be liberated of that? I don't know. I know that the past month or better I've felt very fake and not myself around Dane. I feel like I'm in his life simply because I'm what's comfortable. I know I'm loved. But I don't feel anything else. No lust, no desire, no passion, no interest, no care, no nothing. Just a simple "I love you cause you are here and you put up with me" And I'm seriously quoting him. Honestly that doesn't cut it for me. I want a rip your clothes off, take charge (in a sexy way), I need you kind of man. *sigh*

It's sad really. So between my weight, my insecurities with Dane, and my mind-throbbing j-o-b I'm not in the best place right now. I will continue to work on my weight, and I will continue to simply exist in Dane's life, and I will continue to plug away at work. I know, better than most perhaps, that only time will tell which way I am to go. Till then my depression and blubber shall keep me company.

California or Bust!

This just in! Looks like I will be making yet another "cross-country" move with a Uhaul!! This time to Monterey Bay/Carmel, California. During the past week negotiations have been made and an offer confirmed as of this morning. At the end of April, I will help my mom and dad move from Denver to Monterey Bay. I am so excited for them, I can hardly stand it! Most of all I'm excited because it gets my dad out of Colorado's extreme winter tempuratures and into the sunny beaches of CA. And they will be closer to me and Dane. And it's just plain exciting.

So since I have extensive experience (smirks) in driving Uhaul trucks, I have agreed to drive one of the two trucks it will take to get my folks down there. While no concrete dates have been set, it will most likely be the end of April. With this move, it changes plans a little bit for our summers and the anniversary celebration. Instead of me coming down in June and then all of us going to Mexico for my parent's 40th wedding anniversary, I will take some vacation time in April and help them pack in CO, move across the States, and unpack in CA. I'm very excited!

Now that this has changed things, it frees me/us up for Moab 06 (don't forget your hitch) and the Fremont Parade. On top of all that, it looks like we might tentatively schedule a celebration in October/November '06 to celebrate my parent's wedding anniversary, my dad's birthday, Dane's birthday, Isis's memorial, and my college graduation. Seems like a better time to set sail than June.

Other than that, I'm looking forward to Hawaii, the Super Bowl Extra Large (XL), and my birff-day. More details later as they come in.

The Charmed Life

So Dane and I will be spending my birthday in Hawaii next weekend. It forces me to think about several things:
1) the energy I had the first time we went
2) the fiascos that ensued each time I've traveled

1) The first time we went to HI I prepared MONTHS in advance! Seriously. We went in March and I had all our activities planned inJanuary. And when I say activities, I mean I had every spare minute booked down to the second. L-I-T-E-R-A-L-L-Y. Anyone who knows how I've been in the past wont have a hard time believing that. Dane and I would wake up at 5, be at the pier at 6:30 and go non-stop all day between whale watching, a submarine dive, a tropical plantation tour, a catamoran ride to Lanai, a Jeep trek, a snorkel dive, sunset cruise, a luau, the aquarium, the sugar cane train, another snorkel dive, ANOTHER snorkel dive, tons and tons of stuff - it was insane. Now I think back and I adore those memories but I'm getting more laxed in my age and I told Dane only a few activities for the whole trip (rather than our 2 - 4 activities a day). So this time we have a shark dive, a snorkel dive, and a scuba dive planned and that's it. We will watch the Super Bowl too. And go to a luau. Otherwise I think a lomi lomi massage and lots of beach side reading are in order.

2) Dane and I are both nervous about what our travels will have in store for us. A recap:

A. First trip to HI: we sky-capped our bags and sent them to Outer-DIA-Space. Then we discovered a slight schedule change in our itinerary (thanks United), but significant enough for us to miss our connecting flight out of San Fran. At first United was saying they couldn't get us out there till the following morning - to which I sobbed uncontrollably explaining the activities and our bags are already GONE! So United got us on an American Airlines flight that just barely by the skin of our teeth made the Pacific coast cut-off time for flight departure from LAX (put simply, the last flight of the day leaves for Hawaii no later than 2pm, after that you can't depart till the next morning). So we were going to HI but United told us we "may or may not receive our bags". So the whole flight to HI I was stressed and hurt and sobbing over the fact that I might not have my bags. In the end we got the bags and all was well and I stressed for no reason. Lessons learned: book flights to HI landing in LAX/San Fran by 11:00 am so if you miss that flight, you can catch the 2:00. Second lesson: NEVER, under ANY circumstance, sky cap your bags at DIA if there is a connecting flight. EVER! Third lesson: don't stress about it till it's actually a problem.

B. Second trip to HI (solo - what a nightmare): I reserve an early morning flight (lesson one, previous chapter). I remember the flight time from the original booking and continue as planned. Dane walks in at 6:05 am "Why does your itinerary say your flight leaves at 7:15 am, I thought it left at 8:20 am..." I look at the clock, I look at myself in my underoos and socks, I think about the 55 min drive to the aero-puerto from our house and sigh. I know I won't make the flight. Not a chance in hell. DAMNIT! Why didn't I read the itinerary last night?! (lesson one, part deux) I get to the airport at 7:05 am (record time - good jorb Dane) and miss the flight. No big deal, I can catch the 9 or 10 am flight and still make it to LAX in time (thank you lesson one, previous chapter). I originally booked a 4 hour layover between flying into Oahu and flying over to the Big Island, so I know I will still make it to my retreat, sans layover now. I get to LAX and board the 2:00 pm flight there, it's pushing my original 4 hour layover to around 30 minutes, but I will still make my connecting flight. I breathe easy. 1/3 of the way over the Pacific ocean the Captain informs us of mechanical failure in the plane and we are heading back to LAX. WHAT?! To make a boring story long: we wait for an hour or so while they do whatever to fix it. Ultimately this was the best scenario as it would have taken longer to find and then board a completely different plane. At this point I will miss my connector but I have a good excuse so I'm sure I can catch the 10 pm flight, IF we make good time and my bags come right off the belt in front. We land safely and wouldn't you know it-my bags are FIRST off the conveyor belt! FINALLY - some luck! I'm on the other side so I have to wait for them to come around. When they do, only one is there - the other is gone. So I wait, thinking someone mistakingly grabbed mine but they will put it back once they realize it's not theirs (from the name tag and sheer weight - it had all my belly dance costumes and such in it). Normally I don't pack all of one type of item/thing in one bag, I disperse it in case a bag is lost, but because of weight issues and the delicate fabric of the dance costumes I had no choice but to keep things separate. So I wait. And wait. Nothing. I start to panic. I'm by myself and can't just leave all my other baggage there. So I grab all my bags and start running around squawking for my bag. Come to find out it's on a shuttle truck on its way to a cruise ship. You've got to be kidding me. I run, full tilt, 50+ lbs of luggage in tote (pun intended), after the truck. I catch it! My bag is in the farthest corner in the back. I wait. And wait while they unpack the whole truck. I get my bag and I start running - I might make it! And I run. And run. And jog. And trot. And walk. And drag. WTF?! The sign said "Aloha Airlines *arrow*" like it was just this way?! What I didn't know was that the Honolulu airport is shaped like a 'U' and I was on one end (U - for United) and Aloha was on the other end (A - for Aloha). By the time I get there it's after 11 pm and there is no one, I mean no one. The overhead lights are dark, there is no phone, no number, no nothing. I'm stuck. And United can't do anything for me because "they fulfilled their obligations by getting me to Honolulu, they have no contract to get me to Hilo (that was Aloha's job)". I sit down on the bag scale between ticketing podiums and start weeping uncontrollably. I only brought enough money to buy food. Everything else was prepaid and expensive as is. I don't know what to do once I get to Hilo, I'm supposed to be with a dance group. And since my 25th birthday isn't until next week, I can't rent a car to drive to the retreat. I'm stuck. I cry and cry and cry and then I notice my weight on the scale read out and burst into hysterics. At this time a janitor comes by and asks if I need help. I manage to say "supervisor" and "Aloha" between sobs. He runs away and I never see him again. A manager materializes and gets me booked for the 5:00 am flight so I can get to Hilo in enough time to meet my retreat shuttles before they leave. I ask about where I can sleep. I'm told (and I quote) "You can sleep on the lawn. But beware of hoodlums will try to mug you. But don't worry, there's security guards patrolling every hour." (end quote). I start crying again and don't stop till he takes my bags and locks them for the night (not a normal practice courtesy of 9/11). So now it's midnight HI time, about 3 am Denver time. I call Dane. I tell him everything and he declares no woman of his will sleep on the lawn, and demands me to go to a hotel on his dime (thanks Babe!). I get to hotel. They are booked. I simply stare at her. She goes to see what she can do. A room is suddenly available. I go to sleep for 3 hours. In the end I made it to my retreat but I learned some POWERFUL lessons on that trip. Most importantly, ALWAYS CHECK YOUR INTINERARY!!!

C. (Yes there's more) Cabos San Lucas: I'll make this very short - we "won" a trip to Cancun to be taken in October. Hurricane Wilma hit and we changed our tickets to Cabos San Lucas since we couldn't go to Cancun. While in Mexico, the company that "gave" us the "free" trip got a refund for our tickets, leaving us stranded in Mexico. 2 minutes before the flight was scheduled to leave, we had to spend $1000 on two one way tickets to Seattle from Cabos or stay in Mexico forever. We are given official sharpie and scratch paper tickets and RUN to the plane. We are seated in the back having to look at all the passengers on the way in. We ARE the assholes. I get seated and try to relax (remember lesson three, chapter one - it doesn't accomplish anything to stress). I look down at my cartoon-esche ticket and realize that it is dated for the next day. So this ticket will get us to the States, but not to Seattle. Only as far as SLC. I start to sob again. As the flight attendant starts to speak, she is distracted by my muted sobs and (on the intercom) asks if I'm okay. I shake my head "yes" dying from MORE embarrassment. She asks (over the intercom) if the other attendant can bring me some water. I could die. We make it home, despite the tickets and the mess of everything else, and another canceled flight.

So you can clearly see why I'm scared to travel. I'm almost half excited to see what this trip has in store. We are leaving on a 6am flight (lesson one, chapter one), we are not sky capping our bags (lesson two, chapter one), I have already checked our itinerary on a daily basis (lesson one, chapter two), and we booked the arrangements sans scandalous travel company (lesson one, chapter three), so I'm anxious to see what's left to learn. Stay tuned for the post after Hawaii!

Evil Cupcake vs. Rio: Warrior Princess

The Evil Cupcake from one year ago has challenged Rio: Warrior Princess to a duel. :-)

Last year my get up was a cute black and pink tulle gothic number complete with pigtails and lace and tribal eye make up. The pink contrasting the black coined the name "Evil Cupcake" which in turn started the name of this blog. However, a new year needs a new name I think.

So the outfit on the right is the most recent gothic excursion. The headdress is created using my eBay dreads - long red, black, brown, and blond dreads extending to my lower back. The red mesh and such is from a little girl's princess pony tail holder and the feathers are modeled after Chinese hair pins. The eye make look I was going for was an 80's version of futuristic and in the end I looked like I belonged in a Duran Duran video, hence the name Rio.

For more pictures from the Noc Noc night, including the lovely Amy in her 40's glam outfit, go to my comments.

Weekend O' Amy

So this weekend was a blast!! Analogy: seeing Amy and spending time with her can be likend to the feeling of eating fast food for 4 months and then coming home and having a nice, home cooked meal. I like my friends here a lot, but there's just something special about the tried and true lifer friends. :-)

Thursday night was filled with Burlesque at the Fenix and then a quick stint at the Last Supper - total raver club. Friday it was all I could do to get through the day. That evening Amy, Mog, Bina, and I went to Jet City Improv and watched a comedy show then went to Fremont to meet up w/ Bina's friends but ended up going to a totally F-A-B thai restaurant instead. Dane was busy at work doing a roll out that was supposed to end at midnight but by 12:30 he was still there so Mog took us home and we passed out. When I woke up at 7AM Dane was not in bed so I called and the poor guy was STILL working!! At this point he had been working about 18 hours straight. I told him to come home and get some sleep but he still didn't make it home till 9:30. Meanwhile Amy and I went to an all vegetarian restaurant by the house with AWESOME food and cool jasmine flower tea. Basically they put a wrapped jasmine flower in a french press w/ hot water and it blooms inside - fascinating! Then we had tofu cheesecake - better than real cheesecake! No joke! After that we went to Pike Place Market and hung out for a while. Amy bought Kailea some princess tiera type stuff and I bought myself the same for my newest goth get up. I also bought an Isis hooka for my tobacco cravings late night. Course I didn't buy charcoal so now we have no way of keeping it lit. D'oh. Saturday night we went to Noc Noc w/ Mog, Bina, Johanna, Crystal, Derek, and Dustin. Good times - I'll post the pic. I was wearing my crazy shoes and only fell once at the end of the night. We all had a great time, Amy looked absolutely amazing in her 40's glam gear - I'll post those pics as well. After the Noc Noc we went back to Huish House and hung out till about 4:00. Sunday we took the ferry to Bainbridge Island, so much fun! We fed flying seagulls, took all sorts of pics and had an awesome time before we even got to the island. Once there we watched the fooseball games. Boo for the Broncos, Stars for the Seahawks!! Our FIRST superbowl appearence EVER!! Exciting times!! Amy and I tried to find the alleged antique shops on Bainbridge but it was a loss. After that we dropped Amy off at the airport and I went home and crashed!

Amy and I decided that any time the airfare is cheap enough, she will come up here. We've already planned out several trips for the summer time and she is for sure coming for the Fremont parade - awesome!

Other than that not much to report. Work is going well, even though I won't have December closed. No big deal. I love working here.

I start yoga again today. Not Bikram's but more of a hatha - we'll see how I like it. And of course I am continuing Rhi's Regimented Routine at 24 Hour Fitness. I'm sure if I lay off the smoothies and lattes I will notice a difference in my waistline. :-P

Mean People

I don't want to waste too much time on this, but today was the worst work day of my life. I came to work to a sooprise team of internal auditors and I was supposed to have a HUGE 3 ring binder full of reports for them to start on. No one told me this was the "procedure" for internal audits. My regular work team felt bad for me and did all they could to help me and tell me not to worry - their bad. The auditors however took every attempt to make snooty remarks, attack my intelligence, and basically make me feel bad. At one point an auditor (who is also a Major ranking in the Salv Army) made a special trip downstairs to my office just to tell me "it looks like you missed the little email." Her tone and comment was so atrocious that all my boss and I could do was stare at her. We watched the blood fill her face with embarrassment at her comment and then watched her fumble all over herself while she tried to tell me not to panic - she didn't mean it. Whatever. It gets worse with the auditors making comments about how I should know what I'm doing after 6 months. First of all I've been just over 4, second of all this is my first internal audit and many of the reports are audit specific meaning I don't print them in daily routine. Also - I am still learning TSA terminology (for example the REST of the accounting world calls a profit and loss statement either that or an income statement, TSA calls it a Statement of Activities - whatever) and I was told by my boss not to beat myself up over the learning process, it takes well over a year (her words verbatim) to understand the nature of TSA. So to hear from the supposed good Christian soldiers that I am an idiot made me cry all day. By the afternoon they laid off a little bit, probably because they saw my wet eyelashes and puffy cheeks, but it was all I could do to keep plugging along.

Now I'll be the first to admit - this was my mistake (I misread the original email) but to continue dragging me through the dirt and attacking me is uncalled for especially when I actually know how to do my job and I understand accounting. Just because I haven't learned all of TSA policy does not mean I'm a ding bat. Have some compassion people! In all of this though my boss, my co-workers, my dad, and my Dane helped me through the day. Dane didn't even know what happened till I sobbed it to him at dinner over a double shot martini. The tab wasn't pretty but I definitely feel better - thanks Babe!

So all in all, it's not a big deal. This will never happen again, I learned my lesson, and I was told several times (by the people who matter) that I am doing a great job and this will not reflect on me in any way. The internal auditors will be gone after this week and it will only set me back on my closings by a day or three, which will have to be made up in extra hours over the next week (not including the weekend cause Amy will be here - THANK GOD). This will blow over, just like everything else. What caused me to cry was the humanity of it all. I can't believe that people can actually be this mean purposely - with intent and malice. I know only two other people in the world who get off on being this mean/manipulative/controlling to people and my only idea is that these people are in such pain, they must hurt so much for love and acceptance that until they get it or perhaps to protect them from it, who knows, they build these walls and deliver awful blows to others in an effort to keep them afloat in their world.

It's hard, but I wish these people the best. I don't want them to hurt and I don't want them to hurt others. I wish I could give them something to help them let go. I wish I could give myself something to help me let go. It's tough, but these people need to stop themselves.

Here's to hoping for a brighter tomorrow. *weak smile*

Shame Shame - know your name

Ugh - so I am a horrible friend. In a crazy turn of events, I ended up lying to a friend rather than confessing. And there really is no excuse for that. I can explain (not justify) why I did such a thing, but it still doesn't erase the ugly fact that I lied. And I'm so horrible at it anyway.

Here's what happened - I was supposed to sync up with several different people for New Years Eve. Then Dane's boss invited us to a shindig at his place and that seemed like the best option, if not career suicide if we didn't go. All the way up until NYE we were planning on doing that, I was even going to get my hair done up all nice. But at the last moment we decided not to go to the boss-man's party. We had spent the evening before whooping it up and having a ball and we were just too tired and miserable to go do anything. Not wanting to try and explain that to others, we just pretended that we stuck w/ the original boss-man party plan. Now that would have been fine, no big deal. But for some STOOPID reason when I was asked about what we did for NYE I concocted this grandoise lie about being at the boss-man's house and hiding out in the coat room when we got this person's phone call. Why did I do that? Why did I lie? Why didn't I just say "Ya know - as it turns out, we just decided to stay home." I felt that if I didn't play it up like we went to the party, this person might think we were personally rejecting them and/or their plans for NYE when we just wanted to be alone.

For some reason I always feel like I'm letting people down to tell them "No" or to say "I'm going to sit this one out." In reality this person probably would have said something like "Are you sure? Well you are always invited out with us anytime. Have a good evening - talk to you tomorrow." Instead I had to make it into this big drama and LIE *hangs head*. I haven't done anything like that in a long, long time and I am very disappointed in myself.

In the grand scheme of things, this is not that big of a deal. I'm sure my friend has a raised eyebrow towards me now and might not trust me as much as they once did (and rightly so) but this person isn't going to throw in the towel over something like this (and rightly so). I just feel like a great big disappointment and wanted to catalog my thoughts and feelings so the next time I get the bright idea to lie, I'll think twice.

I doubt my friend mentioned above reads this blog, I don't even know if they have the address anymore. Regardless - Friend I am sorry. There is no excuse for a lie and I am in need of your forgiveness which I think I will ask for in person when I can explain my blunder. Till then I'll wallow in my guilt and remorse. *slaps hand for effect*