Spoiled

I'm spoiled. Dane and I purchased a hot tub this weekend. First of all, our back patio is P-E-R-F-E-C-T for it, it's nothing but a concrete pad. Second, I pulled my credit (in the excellent range *BEAM*) BUT it was suggested that I establish more credit and hang on to the cards that I have. I can't believe I didn't even think about this, but when I paid off all my credit cards I got when I was 18 (Capital One, Household Bank, Mervyns, Express, etc) and closed the accounts, I actually did some damage. Creditors look for longetivity (I should have known this) and for all intents and purposes I have only had credit since '03 when I opened all my current credit cards. Let me tell you how stoopid I feel. D'oh. Oh well, time will fix that mistake. Anyway, after learning that I need to establish more credit, Dane and I sat down and thought about all the things we want and what we can finance. A hot tub came up and next thing you know we bought one and it's being installed on Thursday. We sat in the SUPER EXTREMELY EXTRAVAGANT OUTRAGEOUS ALL THE BELLS AND WHISTLES AND EVEN CLEANS YOUR HOUSE tub first. It was awesome. Sound system, foot massagers all the way around, rotating and pulsating back massagers, chrome fittings and knobs, mother of pearl futuristic shell, automatic cover lifter, water fountain with back lit lights so the water coming out of the fountain looks colored, this tub was awesome. It was also almost $11,000. Thank gawd our neighbor slash lifeguard was with us otherwise I might have drown after hearing the price tag. Once rescued I suggested a different, perhaps "no frills" tub. The sales guy laughed and said he totally understood. He directed us to a different brand but still a subsidary of the uber tub brand. The tub was just as nice, same materials, same quality, same makers, nothing shiny or fancy - just a completely functional hot tub. This tub was WAY cheaper and definitely in our price range. The sales guy likened it to the difference between the Mercedes S class and C class. The C class still has all the reputation of a Mercedes and a bit of luxury without the luxury price. For those who want a Mercedes w/o paying $60,000, they get a C class. Sure they want to be in an S class, but a C class Mercedes is still a Mercedes. Of course we want the uber tub, but a hot tub of the same make is still a hot tub. And of course let's not mention how ridiculous it would be if we got a nice ass hot tub for a house we don't even own. It'd be like putting nice rims on a Metro. No matter how nice the rims are, it just looks silly.

I celebrated my second weekend of no take home work. I still had a lot of homework and I still brought home some work in case I was tempted but I'm getting pretty tired of working on the weekends. I realize it's my fault I'm behind, but I need a break before I quit and become a barista. Dane and I had friends over on Friday and then I went to the Bellydance Superstars show w/ Laura Rose on Saturday. My first complete girls night out (save PDX w/ Jojo) since I've been here. It was very low key and much needed. We talked about our lives, Colorado, credit, body modification, and bellydance all over happy hour sushi.

We came home early today to meet the electrician (for the hot tub) and our cleaners were still here. I'm sad because it will be their last time here. The woman (Mercedes) is ill and can no longer be around the chemicals used to clean houses (this is the best explanation we could come up with between our lack of a common language). I like Mercedes and Jose a lot and I will miss having their touch to my house. I guess we will get new cleaners, but I will still miss them. I hope she gets well soon. I worry for her and her husband. But they seem to be doing well.

School is going better this week. I dropped a load of cash on some interactive tutorials and study books to help me adjust to this new learning environment. It should help.

I haven't worked out since Wed of last week. I'm so bad. I will go tomorrow for my prescribed hour and ten minutes. I discovered that 1.5 hours was just too much, but just over an hour a couple times a week and just under an hour a few times a week is just right. Of course I packed on the pounds that I lost courtesy of daquiris, pizza, and lobster. I'm so bad. Oh well, I'll just have to work that much harder.

Look at me. I'm totally chastising myself for taking a weekend to relax, purchasing something that I'd like to have and is relaxing, eating good food and not exercising to the point of exhaustion. And here I thought I had calmed down. I haven't calmed down a bit, I've just exiled everything else out of my life (friends, nail care, hair care, etc) so I could become a nazi about work, school, and my body. What happened to my mind and spirit. I even have an art room and tools for relaxation. I have a yoga mat and humidifier for moving meditation. WTF. Back to the drawing board for me I guess. I need to come up with a good plan and stick to it. A reasonable plan. Just cause there are 7 days a week does not mean I have to work out each one. Just because I goof up one day on my diet doesn't mean I should throw in the towel. Just because school is a little tougher, I don't have to spend hours on it every d*mn day. Just because I'm behind at work doesn't mean I can't enjoy my time off from it!

New plan = workout 3 - 5 times a week. Weekend calories can be up to 2000. At least 5 hours a week dedicated to painting, dancing, yoga, whatever. No work on the weekends unless absolutely necessary. No more than 5 hours of homework on the weekends unless absolutely necessary. Let's see how well I stick to this plan.

A Break!

Well, I didn't plan it this way, but I took this weekend off from work. It would have been too much otherwise. I haven't had a weekend off in over two weeks now and I was getting seriously burnt out. I will have to work harder this week, but that's no big deal.

Friday Dane spent the entire day at a local Irish pub. He was tanked by the time I picked him up at 6 wearing his green shirt and painted clover on his forehead. It's not often (if ever) a completely sober Crystal has seen a completely smashed Dane. It was amusing to say the least. We went home, had a few friends over for games. I went to bed early, Dane passed out early, and our friends stayed over till after 2 am playing and having fun. It was just like old times at the Lameria house.

Saturday morning started early for me with my Advanced Accounting class. Taking the classes on flex-net will definitely be an adjustment from on-campus, but I think I will like it. I will like my team too. They only had two members so they were very happy to have me come aboard. After class I went home and completely some chores. Then Dane and Nick came home and we decided to go see V for Vendetta - good movie. On the way home I got slightly irritated w/ the crew I was with and decided to hit the liquor store and then walk home to get fresh air. It was good for me and I'm glad I got the chance to exercise. We ended up playing games and watching TV till 5 am (I can't believe we stayed up that late - time flies when you are having fun)!

Sunday was just warm enough for a motorcycle ride downtown. After that Dane and I napped for a bit (we are getting so old). Then we watched Discovery Channel till about 11 and called it a day.

So not much too exciting, but I definitely needed a break. I feel rejuvenated and ready to kick ass on my closings. Almost done w/ January.

I felt really sad on Saturday. It would have been really nice to have a friend to call up and go share a drink with, but alas - I don't really know anyone on that level here. I almost called Heather but in the end decided to just hang out at home. Growing older is sad. I'm having a lot of revelations about growing up, people were right. I will probably write more about this thought thread when I have collected my ideas, but for now I'm sorta lost in weird dimension. Perhaps its better that I am going through this on my own, I stand to learn a lot about myself in the process.

Humility

I think the biggest and best lesson I've learned since living here is humility. Even just 6 months ago I thought I knew everything there was to know. You couldn't tell me otherwise. When I first started this job and RB said it will take a good year to learn everything, I laughed to myself and scoffed "those fools - I'll have this stuff down by December!" I was wrong. I am still floundering. But I am also learning. Then I used to think that if I wasn't doing it, it wasn't getting done right OR I was the only one who should carry my burden. I was wrong. Admitting defeat and then asking for help was the hardest thing I've done so far here. And I'm not talking "I don't know how to do this" help, I'm talking "I know exactly how to do this and I have no excuse for why it hasn't been done yet but it needs to be done now" help. It was not easy for me to ask HG to close one of my corps for me, but I'm glad I did. Not only did it teach me a lesson, and lighten the load, the corps ended up needing it sooner than I would have otherwise been able to provide it. Close call saved by asking for help. Maybe I will do that more often.

In other news, the process is slow going, but I am steadily losing weight and firming up. I've lost about 5 lbs in the last month. Nothing crazy, but I can also tell that it's not coming back. I've made a lot of lifestyle changes recently in order to become healthy and lose weight and I have a feeling that if I continue what I'm doing, I will drop the weight in about 6 months or so. Not as fast as I want, but a steady drop is fantastic.

I started my first round of homework last night for accounting. I forgot how much I love accounting. The hussle and bussle of the Army has taken from the general joy I get from doing accounting (for now - it will get better) and doing a few simple problems restored that joy and also my confidence in my abilities. Look out Master's degree - here I come, ready or not!

Dane is busy with his Jeep. Good for him. Moab will be just around the corner - he needs all the prep time he can get his hands on.

I start a new belly dance class with Laura Rose tomorrow - it should be fun to spend more time w/ her. Then in May we will begin preparing for the Fremont Parade. Delilah is planning on taking over the parade and has scheduled a Seattle belly dance retreat called the Billion Belly March. I'm excited to work with LR on this project. I also hope some of my CO friends can make it up to see the parade, it will be a remarkable event.

That's it for now. My Dewey is the sweetest cat in the world. He sleeps next to my pillow each night and lets me put my arms around him and cuddle. And when I'm tired of laying on that side, I turn to the other and cuddle Stinker. I LOVE MY CATS!!!

No Way Out

*sigh* I hate and love my job so much I'm completely confused. I'm so stressed but as calm as I've ever been. I'm completely happy and utterly depressed with my life. What the eff, yo? :-)

Seriously though, we had a group CFA meeting this morning and got our asses handed to us. Between the FPP accts, the kettle season, and just the normal delays of the holidays, and then the backdraft of it all, all us CFA's are tardy on our financial reports and our boss got her ass handed to her from her boss, and we all know that sh*t rolls down yahtty yahtty yah...And I'm so behind it hurts. I am working every weekend and some weekday nights in March in order to catch up to "zero". This is so stressful, I can't even begin to explain. And I know all of it is brought on myself cause I have to be some perfectionist superhero or something. Geesh CJE - STOP YOUR STUPID SELF!!! So that's the part I hate. The part I love is how well I get along w/ my boss and the other CFA's. We are such a great team - everyone pulls for the other and there is so much support, it's amazing. And the bottom line - (and this is so great) no matter how upset the bosses get about stuff being tardy, they still love us and appreciate us to the hilt. We are CONSTANTLY encouraged and assured that we are in no "permenant" danger. I love that. In past jobs I've always feared being fired. Not here. Love that!

So I've managed to cut the "fat" from my life to the point that I have more free time than I've ever known what to do with. By cut the fat I mean that I've whiddled my schedule down to work, working out, homework, and freetime only. No more nails, very few tanning sessions, no friends to meet with (in town anyway), no away-from-home yoga or belly dancing (that's all done at the house now). Nothing but time. Of course the majority of it is now allocated to homework and work work, but I need that time right now. The rest of the time is split between much needed relaxation, painting, yoga, reading, and playing with kitties. So while I'm stressed over work and school, that's all I'm stressed about.

As for happiness - I really do love it here. I don't plan on leaving for a while. I laugh because everyone always talks about Seattle and the rain. So there is rain, but not what I psyched myself out for so it's been a pleasant surprise. And then everyone said I would miss the Rocky Mountains. Which I do and they are beautiful but if I look to the West, I can see the Olympic Range. If I look to the East, I can see the Cascades. If I look South, Mr. Mt. Rainer is all up in my business (most days - he's a slacker in the winter). If I look North, Mt. Baker sometimes says hello (she's shy). So I have everything here that I had in CO, but what I have here that I am learning I love so much is WATER!! How did I live 25 years of my life and not be around water? It's so beautiful!! And just the feel of this place - I feel at home here.

As for depression - I'm tired of talking about it or going into it. Let's just say it's old. It's disgusting. It's an absolute mockery of me and of us. It's fake, it's phony. And I hate myself for backing myself into a place that I can't get out of. I'm counting on a few key individuals right now to pull through for me, and once they do - well, we will leave that for the jury. *I realize this last part is about as vague as can be. But I know what it's about. For anyone else, insert any Supreme Court case you would like. Think of it as an amusing mad lib. After all, what more can anyone do but laugh?

Seattle Times

Well not much to report. So I'm just going to go off on a tangent and let my fingers type whatever they want.

Dane got a Jeep on Sunday. It's not a looker but it will be able to out trail our Montero. We saw pics of it doing trails that we could only hear stories about in the past years. Dane has some work to do before we can get it to Moab, mostly odds and ends stuff. The Montero will be parted out and/or sold for a small price. It's saddening, but also very exciting for the new Jeep. Dane is scared to drive it. It's a monster. He's so happy. He spent Monday night in the garage tightening bolts (that's about all he knows how to do at this point) and dreaming up all the different things he can do to it. Good for him, I'm so glad he is happy.

We are also talking about getting him a new motorcycle too. He is deciding between a Hayabosa, a new GSXR1000, or a ZX-10. I will inherit his old GSXR1000 - yeah me!! He's looking up parts for the old gixxer so he can give it to me in nice, clean shape. Awe, how sweet. I can't complain about that!

We have our whole summer layed out as far as game/movie nights (to coincide w/ my school Saturdays), motorcycle trips, and bike Sundays. August has been deemed "get to know your surrounding volcanoes" month. Dane and I will trek to each volcano on the bikes - Baker, Rainer, St. Helens, and Hood. Should be good times.

We have another foster kitty named Precious - who tugs at my heartstrings. Dane and I have to force feed her at nights and it breaks our hearts! She's so sniffly and wheezy - but she's such a trooper, she purrs through it all and then she gets her treat of us brushing her to her heart's content. Poor little dear. :-(

That's about all for now. School is going okay at best. Work is going well, but busy. March is stay at home month. Dane and I dubbed it that so we could focus on special household projects, rest after 4 months of non-stop action, save money for Moab, test out a theory I have on alcohol and dieting, and so I can catch up on work. It's March and I still haven't closed all my corps for December or January - BAD CRYSTAL!!

I suppose

It's time for another entry. Though I have nothing to report. Absolutely nothing. But I can make a semi-interesting list of facts:

1. The weekend in PDX went well, I had a great time with Dane. We did a little partying on Saturday and our fav Greek place - Dane got drunk! Not often that that happens. All in all it was a fun little getaway.
2. Work is going well, I am getting better and faster at closing even though it has still taken me a while to get through the muck of kettle season.
3. I am continuing to work out according to Rhi's Routine. My boss has even joined the gym and goes with me 2 - 3 times a week. And I've started doing yoga again, though I do it at home in my yoga/art room.
4. I have started on a watercolor painting lesson, good stuff.
5. I heard back from my doctor, who wants me to come in again for more testing.
6. I am becoming more and more anti-social. The more time I take to myself, the more cautious I am about who I spend my time with when I'm not with myself. I guess now that I've slowed down, I really appreciate the down low nature of everything and I've found that I don't welcome or want the previous drama that seemed to exist in my life in CO. Here in WA things are slow, at my pace. I love that.
7. Rhi is in town for a few hours this weekend. We should have a wonderful time watching Delilah and Laura Rose belly dance, then afterwards we will go out w/ LR for a while - I haven't seen her in a while either. Rhi will have just enough time for dinner, some chat, and to pack her car as full as she can before she's off to Denver and Dane and I are off to Tacoma for a game night.
8. I love that I have a fun relationship with my boss and colleages.
9. No new news from Mom & Dad.
10. Dewey is adorable.

That is all. Riviting, I know.

Space Invaders

So I spent Saturday on the phone with Sarah. I miss her so much. There are very few people who I am really close to these days and she is still and always will be one of them. After talking to her, I talked to Mom, Jojo, and still needed to call Steven, Rhi, and Stacy but had to get ready for gay bingo, the theme being "from outer space". What a ball that was! We had a great time! I only had about 3 drinks but they were half alcohol so I was feeling pretty good. After the bingo game we decided to go to Jillian's (a low budget Dave & Busters look alike) and after another 2 long island iced teas I bent down to pick up a coin and the bouncer swooped in and took my drink, cutting me off. Shocked because I was no where near cut off status, a scene ensued. Now normally this is just the breaks of going out and drinking. You win some, you lose some. But this was in front of my boss and colleague. Oops. My boss thinks it's because I was wearing my space helmet all night.

I think about all the crazy things I've worn to places, a cape and star sunglasses to D&B, a pizza box to Mario's, my goth outfits, the Dr. Seuss hat my mom bought me, tons of crazy things and I've never gotten cut off. I guess in Seattle people are more uptight about that kind of thing and you are OBVIOUSLY drunk if you wear a silly hat. Whatever.

I apologized to my boss first thing this morning for causing a scene and she just laughed and said it was not a big deal at all. Then we made plans to go work out tonight. So all is well, but we are never going back to Jillian's. Freaks.

Other than that, not much to report. Dane and I are going to Portland this weekend for a Valentines Day celebration. I have class tomorrow so we can't even go to dinner. We are staying at the Jupiter for their lovers package, and I can't say too much but we got both the naughty and nice package which includes flowers and champagne in our room both days and an hour long massage for both of us as well as some other unmentionables. Dane is in charge of fun while we are there, but I suspect we will visit our favorite Greek restaurant, Chinese restaurant (yes.), and of course FUDDRUCKERS!!!! WHEEEE!!!!

Next week Ms. Rhi is in town for one night which we will spend at Kolbeh with Delilah and crew. Should be loads of fun. Then Sat night is game night in Tacoma w/ my boss. Good times.

I Don't Feel any Different

Well I'm 26. Doesn't feel any different yet I feel a world apart from the "me" who turned 25 a year ago. For starters I'm a lot heavier than I was a year ago. By almost 20 lbs to be exact. I attribute a lot of the gain to quitting smoking and starting eating in excess. Now that that is under control, I'm left with the overwhelming results. I think I might have a thyroid problem and I intend to see the doctor about it. All the symptons and signs point to it, including the rapid weight gain even when I have been eating well under 1500 calories a day and burning off an extra 250 - 500 5 times a week. Completely unexplainable and unexceptable.

Then there's my relationship with Dane. A year ago I thought a proposal was just around the corner and was told that he was waiting for enough money to buy a nice ring. After a year and not a peep, I inquired to learn he thought I was serious when I said I wanted 2+ carats on a platinum band. I also said that each year he waits, the carat value goes up (which would mean we'd be at 5 carats). Somehow he realized that was a joke and not the other. So when I asked him about what he thought I would have said if he presented a less than 2 carat diamond ring, he couldn't answer. I persued even more and said - "if you thought I would decline based on ring size then not only do you not know me, but why would YOU be with a woman like that?!" Honestly, and this is very hard for me to say, feel, and understand, but I don't think he has any intention of marrying me. This is a hard pill to swallow because I have been with this man for over 4 years now, we are in our 5th year together. I moved across the country, away from all my friends and family and put a HUGE damper on my schooling, to be with him and support him in the greatest opportunity of his life. I've built my life around him (thanks to Stevie Nicks for such a wonderful phrase and song) and now I'm watching it for the first time without a shrowd of disillusionment. After all this time I look around me and see that I have been trying to go over "here" and Dane has been over "there" this whole time with absolutely no ambition or intention of going over "here" with me.

So I'm left with the following options: #1 - stay with Dane because I'd rather be with him and not married than #2 be without him and single. I've thought long and hard on this and I still haven't made up my mind. Marriage to me is very important and I think at this point I've devalidated it by staying w/ someone so long without making it official. However, is that all a pipe dream that's stuffed down the minds of young girls? Should I be liberated of that? I don't know. I know that the past month or better I've felt very fake and not myself around Dane. I feel like I'm in his life simply because I'm what's comfortable. I know I'm loved. But I don't feel anything else. No lust, no desire, no passion, no interest, no care, no nothing. Just a simple "I love you cause you are here and you put up with me" And I'm seriously quoting him. Honestly that doesn't cut it for me. I want a rip your clothes off, take charge (in a sexy way), I need you kind of man. *sigh*

It's sad really. So between my weight, my insecurities with Dane, and my mind-throbbing j-o-b I'm not in the best place right now. I will continue to work on my weight, and I will continue to simply exist in Dane's life, and I will continue to plug away at work. I know, better than most perhaps, that only time will tell which way I am to go. Till then my depression and blubber shall keep me company.

California or Bust!

This just in! Looks like I will be making yet another "cross-country" move with a Uhaul!! This time to Monterey Bay/Carmel, California. During the past week negotiations have been made and an offer confirmed as of this morning. At the end of April, I will help my mom and dad move from Denver to Monterey Bay. I am so excited for them, I can hardly stand it! Most of all I'm excited because it gets my dad out of Colorado's extreme winter tempuratures and into the sunny beaches of CA. And they will be closer to me and Dane. And it's just plain exciting.

So since I have extensive experience (smirks) in driving Uhaul trucks, I have agreed to drive one of the two trucks it will take to get my folks down there. While no concrete dates have been set, it will most likely be the end of April. With this move, it changes plans a little bit for our summers and the anniversary celebration. Instead of me coming down in June and then all of us going to Mexico for my parent's 40th wedding anniversary, I will take some vacation time in April and help them pack in CO, move across the States, and unpack in CA. I'm very excited!

Now that this has changed things, it frees me/us up for Moab 06 (don't forget your hitch) and the Fremont Parade. On top of all that, it looks like we might tentatively schedule a celebration in October/November '06 to celebrate my parent's wedding anniversary, my dad's birthday, Dane's birthday, Isis's memorial, and my college graduation. Seems like a better time to set sail than June.

Other than that, I'm looking forward to Hawaii, the Super Bowl Extra Large (XL), and my birff-day. More details later as they come in.

The Charmed Life

So Dane and I will be spending my birthday in Hawaii next weekend. It forces me to think about several things:
1) the energy I had the first time we went
2) the fiascos that ensued each time I've traveled

1) The first time we went to HI I prepared MONTHS in advance! Seriously. We went in March and I had all our activities planned inJanuary. And when I say activities, I mean I had every spare minute booked down to the second. L-I-T-E-R-A-L-L-Y. Anyone who knows how I've been in the past wont have a hard time believing that. Dane and I would wake up at 5, be at the pier at 6:30 and go non-stop all day between whale watching, a submarine dive, a tropical plantation tour, a catamoran ride to Lanai, a Jeep trek, a snorkel dive, sunset cruise, a luau, the aquarium, the sugar cane train, another snorkel dive, ANOTHER snorkel dive, tons and tons of stuff - it was insane. Now I think back and I adore those memories but I'm getting more laxed in my age and I told Dane only a few activities for the whole trip (rather than our 2 - 4 activities a day). So this time we have a shark dive, a snorkel dive, and a scuba dive planned and that's it. We will watch the Super Bowl too. And go to a luau. Otherwise I think a lomi lomi massage and lots of beach side reading are in order.

2) Dane and I are both nervous about what our travels will have in store for us. A recap:

A. First trip to HI: we sky-capped our bags and sent them to Outer-DIA-Space. Then we discovered a slight schedule change in our itinerary (thanks United), but significant enough for us to miss our connecting flight out of San Fran. At first United was saying they couldn't get us out there till the following morning - to which I sobbed uncontrollably explaining the activities and our bags are already GONE! So United got us on an American Airlines flight that just barely by the skin of our teeth made the Pacific coast cut-off time for flight departure from LAX (put simply, the last flight of the day leaves for Hawaii no later than 2pm, after that you can't depart till the next morning). So we were going to HI but United told us we "may or may not receive our bags". So the whole flight to HI I was stressed and hurt and sobbing over the fact that I might not have my bags. In the end we got the bags and all was well and I stressed for no reason. Lessons learned: book flights to HI landing in LAX/San Fran by 11:00 am so if you miss that flight, you can catch the 2:00. Second lesson: NEVER, under ANY circumstance, sky cap your bags at DIA if there is a connecting flight. EVER! Third lesson: don't stress about it till it's actually a problem.

B. Second trip to HI (solo - what a nightmare): I reserve an early morning flight (lesson one, previous chapter). I remember the flight time from the original booking and continue as planned. Dane walks in at 6:05 am "Why does your itinerary say your flight leaves at 7:15 am, I thought it left at 8:20 am..." I look at the clock, I look at myself in my underoos and socks, I think about the 55 min drive to the aero-puerto from our house and sigh. I know I won't make the flight. Not a chance in hell. DAMNIT! Why didn't I read the itinerary last night?! (lesson one, part deux) I get to the airport at 7:05 am (record time - good jorb Dane) and miss the flight. No big deal, I can catch the 9 or 10 am flight and still make it to LAX in time (thank you lesson one, previous chapter). I originally booked a 4 hour layover between flying into Oahu and flying over to the Big Island, so I know I will still make it to my retreat, sans layover now. I get to LAX and board the 2:00 pm flight there, it's pushing my original 4 hour layover to around 30 minutes, but I will still make my connecting flight. I breathe easy. 1/3 of the way over the Pacific ocean the Captain informs us of mechanical failure in the plane and we are heading back to LAX. WHAT?! To make a boring story long: we wait for an hour or so while they do whatever to fix it. Ultimately this was the best scenario as it would have taken longer to find and then board a completely different plane. At this point I will miss my connector but I have a good excuse so I'm sure I can catch the 10 pm flight, IF we make good time and my bags come right off the belt in front. We land safely and wouldn't you know it-my bags are FIRST off the conveyor belt! FINALLY - some luck! I'm on the other side so I have to wait for them to come around. When they do, only one is there - the other is gone. So I wait, thinking someone mistakingly grabbed mine but they will put it back once they realize it's not theirs (from the name tag and sheer weight - it had all my belly dance costumes and such in it). Normally I don't pack all of one type of item/thing in one bag, I disperse it in case a bag is lost, but because of weight issues and the delicate fabric of the dance costumes I had no choice but to keep things separate. So I wait. And wait. Nothing. I start to panic. I'm by myself and can't just leave all my other baggage there. So I grab all my bags and start running around squawking for my bag. Come to find out it's on a shuttle truck on its way to a cruise ship. You've got to be kidding me. I run, full tilt, 50+ lbs of luggage in tote (pun intended), after the truck. I catch it! My bag is in the farthest corner in the back. I wait. And wait while they unpack the whole truck. I get my bag and I start running - I might make it! And I run. And run. And jog. And trot. And walk. And drag. WTF?! The sign said "Aloha Airlines *arrow*" like it was just this way?! What I didn't know was that the Honolulu airport is shaped like a 'U' and I was on one end (U - for United) and Aloha was on the other end (A - for Aloha). By the time I get there it's after 11 pm and there is no one, I mean no one. The overhead lights are dark, there is no phone, no number, no nothing. I'm stuck. And United can't do anything for me because "they fulfilled their obligations by getting me to Honolulu, they have no contract to get me to Hilo (that was Aloha's job)". I sit down on the bag scale between ticketing podiums and start weeping uncontrollably. I only brought enough money to buy food. Everything else was prepaid and expensive as is. I don't know what to do once I get to Hilo, I'm supposed to be with a dance group. And since my 25th birthday isn't until next week, I can't rent a car to drive to the retreat. I'm stuck. I cry and cry and cry and then I notice my weight on the scale read out and burst into hysterics. At this time a janitor comes by and asks if I need help. I manage to say "supervisor" and "Aloha" between sobs. He runs away and I never see him again. A manager materializes and gets me booked for the 5:00 am flight so I can get to Hilo in enough time to meet my retreat shuttles before they leave. I ask about where I can sleep. I'm told (and I quote) "You can sleep on the lawn. But beware of hoodlums will try to mug you. But don't worry, there's security guards patrolling every hour." (end quote). I start crying again and don't stop till he takes my bags and locks them for the night (not a normal practice courtesy of 9/11). So now it's midnight HI time, about 3 am Denver time. I call Dane. I tell him everything and he declares no woman of his will sleep on the lawn, and demands me to go to a hotel on his dime (thanks Babe!). I get to hotel. They are booked. I simply stare at her. She goes to see what she can do. A room is suddenly available. I go to sleep for 3 hours. In the end I made it to my retreat but I learned some POWERFUL lessons on that trip. Most importantly, ALWAYS CHECK YOUR INTINERARY!!!

C. (Yes there's more) Cabos San Lucas: I'll make this very short - we "won" a trip to Cancun to be taken in October. Hurricane Wilma hit and we changed our tickets to Cabos San Lucas since we couldn't go to Cancun. While in Mexico, the company that "gave" us the "free" trip got a refund for our tickets, leaving us stranded in Mexico. 2 minutes before the flight was scheduled to leave, we had to spend $1000 on two one way tickets to Seattle from Cabos or stay in Mexico forever. We are given official sharpie and scratch paper tickets and RUN to the plane. We are seated in the back having to look at all the passengers on the way in. We ARE the assholes. I get seated and try to relax (remember lesson three, chapter one - it doesn't accomplish anything to stress). I look down at my cartoon-esche ticket and realize that it is dated for the next day. So this ticket will get us to the States, but not to Seattle. Only as far as SLC. I start to sob again. As the flight attendant starts to speak, she is distracted by my muted sobs and (on the intercom) asks if I'm okay. I shake my head "yes" dying from MORE embarrassment. She asks (over the intercom) if the other attendant can bring me some water. I could die. We make it home, despite the tickets and the mess of everything else, and another canceled flight.

So you can clearly see why I'm scared to travel. I'm almost half excited to see what this trip has in store. We are leaving on a 6am flight (lesson one, chapter one), we are not sky capping our bags (lesson two, chapter one), I have already checked our itinerary on a daily basis (lesson one, chapter two), and we booked the arrangements sans scandalous travel company (lesson one, chapter three), so I'm anxious to see what's left to learn. Stay tuned for the post after Hawaii!

Evil Cupcake vs. Rio: Warrior Princess

The Evil Cupcake from one year ago has challenged Rio: Warrior Princess to a duel. :-)

Last year my get up was a cute black and pink tulle gothic number complete with pigtails and lace and tribal eye make up. The pink contrasting the black coined the name "Evil Cupcake" which in turn started the name of this blog. However, a new year needs a new name I think.

So the outfit on the right is the most recent gothic excursion. The headdress is created using my eBay dreads - long red, black, brown, and blond dreads extending to my lower back. The red mesh and such is from a little girl's princess pony tail holder and the feathers are modeled after Chinese hair pins. The eye make look I was going for was an 80's version of futuristic and in the end I looked like I belonged in a Duran Duran video, hence the name Rio.

For more pictures from the Noc Noc night, including the lovely Amy in her 40's glam outfit, go to my comments.

Weekend O' Amy

So this weekend was a blast!! Analogy: seeing Amy and spending time with her can be likend to the feeling of eating fast food for 4 months and then coming home and having a nice, home cooked meal. I like my friends here a lot, but there's just something special about the tried and true lifer friends. :-)

Thursday night was filled with Burlesque at the Fenix and then a quick stint at the Last Supper - total raver club. Friday it was all I could do to get through the day. That evening Amy, Mog, Bina, and I went to Jet City Improv and watched a comedy show then went to Fremont to meet up w/ Bina's friends but ended up going to a totally F-A-B thai restaurant instead. Dane was busy at work doing a roll out that was supposed to end at midnight but by 12:30 he was still there so Mog took us home and we passed out. When I woke up at 7AM Dane was not in bed so I called and the poor guy was STILL working!! At this point he had been working about 18 hours straight. I told him to come home and get some sleep but he still didn't make it home till 9:30. Meanwhile Amy and I went to an all vegetarian restaurant by the house with AWESOME food and cool jasmine flower tea. Basically they put a wrapped jasmine flower in a french press w/ hot water and it blooms inside - fascinating! Then we had tofu cheesecake - better than real cheesecake! No joke! After that we went to Pike Place Market and hung out for a while. Amy bought Kailea some princess tiera type stuff and I bought myself the same for my newest goth get up. I also bought an Isis hooka for my tobacco cravings late night. Course I didn't buy charcoal so now we have no way of keeping it lit. D'oh. Saturday night we went to Noc Noc w/ Mog, Bina, Johanna, Crystal, Derek, and Dustin. Good times - I'll post the pic. I was wearing my crazy shoes and only fell once at the end of the night. We all had a great time, Amy looked absolutely amazing in her 40's glam gear - I'll post those pics as well. After the Noc Noc we went back to Huish House and hung out till about 4:00. Sunday we took the ferry to Bainbridge Island, so much fun! We fed flying seagulls, took all sorts of pics and had an awesome time before we even got to the island. Once there we watched the fooseball games. Boo for the Broncos, Stars for the Seahawks!! Our FIRST superbowl appearence EVER!! Exciting times!! Amy and I tried to find the alleged antique shops on Bainbridge but it was a loss. After that we dropped Amy off at the airport and I went home and crashed!

Amy and I decided that any time the airfare is cheap enough, she will come up here. We've already planned out several trips for the summer time and she is for sure coming for the Fremont parade - awesome!

Other than that not much to report. Work is going well, even though I won't have December closed. No big deal. I love working here.

I start yoga again today. Not Bikram's but more of a hatha - we'll see how I like it. And of course I am continuing Rhi's Regimented Routine at 24 Hour Fitness. I'm sure if I lay off the smoothies and lattes I will notice a difference in my waistline. :-P

Mean People

I don't want to waste too much time on this, but today was the worst work day of my life. I came to work to a sooprise team of internal auditors and I was supposed to have a HUGE 3 ring binder full of reports for them to start on. No one told me this was the "procedure" for internal audits. My regular work team felt bad for me and did all they could to help me and tell me not to worry - their bad. The auditors however took every attempt to make snooty remarks, attack my intelligence, and basically make me feel bad. At one point an auditor (who is also a Major ranking in the Salv Army) made a special trip downstairs to my office just to tell me "it looks like you missed the little email." Her tone and comment was so atrocious that all my boss and I could do was stare at her. We watched the blood fill her face with embarrassment at her comment and then watched her fumble all over herself while she tried to tell me not to panic - she didn't mean it. Whatever. It gets worse with the auditors making comments about how I should know what I'm doing after 6 months. First of all I've been just over 4, second of all this is my first internal audit and many of the reports are audit specific meaning I don't print them in daily routine. Also - I am still learning TSA terminology (for example the REST of the accounting world calls a profit and loss statement either that or an income statement, TSA calls it a Statement of Activities - whatever) and I was told by my boss not to beat myself up over the learning process, it takes well over a year (her words verbatim) to understand the nature of TSA. So to hear from the supposed good Christian soldiers that I am an idiot made me cry all day. By the afternoon they laid off a little bit, probably because they saw my wet eyelashes and puffy cheeks, but it was all I could do to keep plugging along.

Now I'll be the first to admit - this was my mistake (I misread the original email) but to continue dragging me through the dirt and attacking me is uncalled for especially when I actually know how to do my job and I understand accounting. Just because I haven't learned all of TSA policy does not mean I'm a ding bat. Have some compassion people! In all of this though my boss, my co-workers, my dad, and my Dane helped me through the day. Dane didn't even know what happened till I sobbed it to him at dinner over a double shot martini. The tab wasn't pretty but I definitely feel better - thanks Babe!

So all in all, it's not a big deal. This will never happen again, I learned my lesson, and I was told several times (by the people who matter) that I am doing a great job and this will not reflect on me in any way. The internal auditors will be gone after this week and it will only set me back on my closings by a day or three, which will have to be made up in extra hours over the next week (not including the weekend cause Amy will be here - THANK GOD). This will blow over, just like everything else. What caused me to cry was the humanity of it all. I can't believe that people can actually be this mean purposely - with intent and malice. I know only two other people in the world who get off on being this mean/manipulative/controlling to people and my only idea is that these people are in such pain, they must hurt so much for love and acceptance that until they get it or perhaps to protect them from it, who knows, they build these walls and deliver awful blows to others in an effort to keep them afloat in their world.

It's hard, but I wish these people the best. I don't want them to hurt and I don't want them to hurt others. I wish I could give them something to help them let go. I wish I could give myself something to help me let go. It's tough, but these people need to stop themselves.

Here's to hoping for a brighter tomorrow. *weak smile*

Shame Shame - know your name

Ugh - so I am a horrible friend. In a crazy turn of events, I ended up lying to a friend rather than confessing. And there really is no excuse for that. I can explain (not justify) why I did such a thing, but it still doesn't erase the ugly fact that I lied. And I'm so horrible at it anyway.

Here's what happened - I was supposed to sync up with several different people for New Years Eve. Then Dane's boss invited us to a shindig at his place and that seemed like the best option, if not career suicide if we didn't go. All the way up until NYE we were planning on doing that, I was even going to get my hair done up all nice. But at the last moment we decided not to go to the boss-man's party. We had spent the evening before whooping it up and having a ball and we were just too tired and miserable to go do anything. Not wanting to try and explain that to others, we just pretended that we stuck w/ the original boss-man party plan. Now that would have been fine, no big deal. But for some STOOPID reason when I was asked about what we did for NYE I concocted this grandoise lie about being at the boss-man's house and hiding out in the coat room when we got this person's phone call. Why did I do that? Why did I lie? Why didn't I just say "Ya know - as it turns out, we just decided to stay home." I felt that if I didn't play it up like we went to the party, this person might think we were personally rejecting them and/or their plans for NYE when we just wanted to be alone.

For some reason I always feel like I'm letting people down to tell them "No" or to say "I'm going to sit this one out." In reality this person probably would have said something like "Are you sure? Well you are always invited out with us anytime. Have a good evening - talk to you tomorrow." Instead I had to make it into this big drama and LIE *hangs head*. I haven't done anything like that in a long, long time and I am very disappointed in myself.

In the grand scheme of things, this is not that big of a deal. I'm sure my friend has a raised eyebrow towards me now and might not trust me as much as they once did (and rightly so) but this person isn't going to throw in the towel over something like this (and rightly so). I just feel like a great big disappointment and wanted to catalog my thoughts and feelings so the next time I get the bright idea to lie, I'll think twice.

I doubt my friend mentioned above reads this blog, I don't even know if they have the address anymore. Regardless - Friend I am sorry. There is no excuse for a lie and I am in need of your forgiveness which I think I will ask for in person when I can explain my blunder. Till then I'll wallow in my guilt and remorse. *slaps hand for effect*

Hello 2006!

This weekend was a blast starting with Jojo's birthday party complete w/ sushi, drinks, replacement drivers license, happy hour, playing pool, drinks, eating Moroccan food, wine, singing really bad karaoke, drinks. I haven't partied like that in a long time, it was awesome! Dane even got video. It's pretty bad - it's enough to make anyone think twice before getting intoxicated again. Hee hee, good times. Then Saturday we recovered and I put some dark chocolate low-lights in my hair. I'm phasing out the blond because I'm tired of the maintenance on it. Seriously, I can't believe how hippy dippy I'm becoming on some levels. No more make up, no more fake nails. However, I have re-vamped my wardrobe to include matching shoes, coat and purse at all times, a classier business and casual dress code, and of course I still tan, though only about one to two times a week. Just enough to keep my color a shade up from gothic white - I don't look good with dark hair and pale skin.

Dane and I spent New Years safe and sound at home. It was quiet and awesome. Of course our wonderful friends called to bring in the new year w/ us, we are so spoiled. Sunday we lounged around the house till Steven and his friend Tim came over and we went to dinner. It was on the 21st floor of a downtown Bellevue building and it was amazing!! The food was awesome and the tab was enormous, but it was all in good fun. We really enjoy hanging out w/ Tim. And I think we turned Steven on to sushi. After dinner we saw Memoirs of a Geisha - which was excellent I thought. Sunday was spent watching King Kong (Dane felt he earned "monkey movie points" for watching the Geisha movie). It was good.

We let our foster kitty out for a bit and our cats got upset. I spent the evening doing chores and painting with water color. I found that when I use my left hand to paint (I'm normally right handed) I paint better. That's not entirely shocking as my dad is left handed and ambidexterous and I use my left hand for a lot of things including the 10-key at work. It makes it easier to write while I 10-key. I can also use both hands on the 10-key at once, one on the actual 10-key and one on the keyboard 10-key. It freaks out the other accountants here but I sure save a lot of time, even if I key slightly slower.

Dane has his annual review in January and his salary review in April. Based on his most recent performance w/ the RAC test though, the company has decided to combine the two so tomorrow he gets to meet w/ his boss in Bellevue for dinner. This is extremely exciting because obviously he's going to get a raise! I also think Dane should ask to see if he can get a degree on the company dime, but we'll see - baby steps.

I'm at the off-site warehouse all week destroying old records so I only have a few minutes of online time this week.

I'm excited for Amy to come visit, it will be a hoot!! And in less than a month I will be celebrating my 26th birthday on the Oahu island of Hawaii!! I am so spoiled. On that note, I really can't believe how well my relationship with Dane is going. I have nothing but positive influences in my life to help out and be cheerleaders for us. Tim even sent us an email saying how impressed he was with how we act with/around each other. Jojo has said the same things, Laura Rose, Mog - the list goes on. And I also think that me being out of my comfort zone helps a lot too. I used to threaten Dane a lot with leaving him or moving out. Needless to say, I haven't threatened that once since here in Seattle - where would I go? I don't have the family, friends, and resources here that I had in CO and I never really wanted to leave anyway - that was just a shoddy defensive reaction. So Dane + Crystal - bad influences - comfort zone = REALLY awesome relationship!

That's all for now, I should get back to work. I am so lucky. :-)

Happy Holidays!

Christmas went well. Kinda. Dane is a Christmas Day opener and I am a Christmas Eve opener. Now on most things Dane just lets me do whatever cause I tend to be pushy like that. Though that is slowly changing (I seem to morphing into more of a submissive role these days and loving it!), I still fight for what I want pretty ruthlessly. So the C-day/C-eve thing has been a HUGE battle since the inception of our relationship. Historically the issue has been "resolved" by: if we were in SLC w/ D's mom - we did it C-day and I was a little bummed, but come on - it's still Christmas, right?! Then if we were in CO - we celebrated on C-eve. So this has worked thus far but now we are on our own. We are not going to SLC or CO for the holidays and so an ongoing argument has ensued over when Cmas opening would take place. The reason this is a fight is because Dane is actually fighting for this rather than letting me win, which is fine. Dane doesn't slap down his man card often at all. In fact, when he slaps it down, that's the end of the convo/fight/whatever. And he slaps it down so rare that I don't mind shutting up when he pulls it out. But this time I wasn't going for it. To date I have never fought back on a man card but Cmas is very important to me. Well - to make a boring story long, my mom said, when she saw the presents under our tree, "it's going to take you two days just to get through all this!". At that point there was a loose discussion and somehow in the fray it was decided that Dane and I would open "half" our presents on C-eve. Up till now when it was suggested we do "half" it was always I open all my gifts on C-eve, which is not fun for me because I get off on the giving part and the funny stories surrounding the gifts. In this scenario, we would just open "half".

So C-eve comes around and Dane and I laze about the house in sweats, eat snacks, make cookies, watch The Exorcism of Emily Rose - the usual holiday stuff. At 8:00 we decide to start opening gifts but a fight develops as to what is considered "half". After a heated discussion, Dane comes up with the brilliant idea to play a game. Using the cards and dice from Cranium, we are to answer questions in order to open a gift. If we guessed wrong, the present would be out of commission for the rest of the night. If we guessed right, we could open a gift or sacrafice our gift to "save" a discarded gift for the other to open. We did other things too like a "blue" roll/card would earn another gift, a Club Cranium seal earned another gift, a "purple" roll meant the non-opener got to pick the gift instead. So what could have been a boring "okay now you open your gift - yeah - now I'll open mine." turned into an awesome game with acting, sculpting, word games, etc. We only opened about 1/3 the gifts in the four hours we were playing, but it was a great time. We now have our new tradition.

As for gifts, I got my usual fray of gift cards - AWESOME! And a ton of other great toys, clothes, books, shoes, games, puzzles, etc. But the most wonderful, most surprising gift was a three tiered diamond heart and white gold necklace. It's beautiful - it looks like it belongs to a heiress or something. Dane said that I have the best luck w/ necklaces (not losing them or the stones in them) so that's why he chose it. I told him I am only to wear it when supervised. Dane got a whole bunch of stuff but the best stuff is somewhat private, though extremely fun in nature. He got the biggest kick out of the light up boobie and bikini butane lighter I got him.

The rest of the weekend was spent playing games with Nick and Mog. It seems so juvenille but it is true - Dane and I have more fun chilling at home w/ our 17 year old neighbor and our 30-something virgin (in every way from sex to beverages) than we do going out and getting crazy. I should rephrase that. We enjoy staying home on a regular basis so that when we go out, it makes it that much more fun.

No plan for new year's yet though we might cab it down to Daman's for food, fun, and spirits. We'll see. The other plans include sushi at Tuna House (walking distance), downtown extravaganza, mystery plans - who knows. Whatever we do, it should be a lot of fun!

U2 ROCKS!

So I had the time of my life in PDX w/ Jojo! We were so close to U2 I could have thrown my cell phone at them! They put on the best concert ever! My voice is still cracking I was screaming so loud and hard! OMG - just awesome! Jojo and I had about four beers while there - which isn't a lot untill you figure that we had no food in our bellies and each beer was 20 ounces. Put that way it explains why we were a bit tipsey (okay a LOT tipsey). We left the Rose Center and didn't even discuss which direction to go, we just decided our hotel was in "that" direction and walked there. An hour and a half and two miles later we discovered we weren't in Kansas anymore and no where near our hotel so we threw in the towel and called a cab. Jojo was smart in our soberness to grab a cab card from the cabbie who took us to the concert. We had a blast though - at one point we got into a hissy fight, though we are now unclear what we were originally arguing over, but we decided that whatever our strife was it was only going to be settled by a thumb wrestle. So there we were at midnight, in the drizzly Portland city under a street lamp on NW Northrup and NW 19th duking it out with our thumb war. I believe Jojo won.

Mom's visit here was awesome though let me tell you what happens when you put my travel luck together w/ Mom's travel luck - catastrophe!! We drove the 3 hours to Leavenworth to see the World Renowned lights, we were told "you will not be disappointed". And guess what. Apparently the "Ice Festival" was to take place on Saturday and while we were there on Friday, the streets/vendors were mandated by the Chamber of Commerce to keep their lights off so the lighting festival on Saturday would be "virgin". Mind you, the lights are on and have been on every day since Thanksgiving. Just Friday, the 16th they were off. Can you believe that sh*t?! WTF!! Other than that it was fun. Messiah was great, always a treat. We made cookies and shopped and had fun.

The kittens are almost 100% healthy. I was surprised to learn they are already over 3 months old and altered! Vets can alter cats at 1 and half pounds these days!! Shocking but necessary. So we get them over Christmas but probably not through the new year. Boo hasn't talked to us since we got the kittens. We tried introducing our cats to them last night but that went over like a lead ballon.

Work is going well - in fact I should be doing that right now but you know. :-) My review went swimmingly - I'm happy but only briefly as I only have 15 working days to close November and December - yikes! I guess that's what I get for joining the real world. I'm in the C-I-T-Y now!!

Amy is visiting in January - hello AWESOME!!!! I can't wait to show her off and around. There are a ton of veggie places here that I know she will love. Not to mention fun things to do on a normal basis! Steven will be in town next weekend for the new year, it will be nice seeing him. I can tell he's changed a lot. I imagine I would too if I were in his shoes. I can't wait to see him.

And - the best news! So Dane has been taking classes for and trying to get his certification for Remedy. This is a covetted cert as it takes well over $10,000 to obtain and you have to have company sponsorship. The classes and exams are brutal - I liken it to the CPA exam for accountants and the bar exam for lawyers - for him this is IT. So while Mom was here, he was taking the final exams and application presentation. He was worried and fretful that he wouldn't pass. He thought for sure that he would be either taking it again or barely squeaking by. Well - on Tuesday he got word from Remedy that not only did he pass, he passed with the highest score ever recorded in Remedy history!! Not in his company, IN THE ENTIRE WORLD OF REMEDY!!!!!! He got a 97.5%!! Can you believe that?! Awesome! My mom and I asked him what sort of laziness did he possess to screw up and not get 100%. Hee hee. So Dane is absolutely gleeful. Then, as if that wasn't good enough, on the same day he went go-karting w/ his colleagues at WaMu and won 1st place complete w/ trophey. And if that wasn't all he needed - his boss emailed him yesterday and said "your annual review is in January and your salary review is in April - let's combine the two and meet on Jan 3rd". I AM SO PROUD OF MY HONEY!!!!!

We went to the Melting Pot last night to celebrate our greatness (okay mostly his because I don't feel so great these days) and had a wonderful time. We are so happy. I can't wait to spend this Christmas alone w/ my honey. BEAM!!!!

KITTENS!!

These are our kittens!! We are foster parents for the Seattle Humane Society and we picked up a litter of sick kittens on Saturday. It's really quite sad actually. They all have eye infections, colds, and are getting over gardia (sp?). The two girls (the ones in the hammock) are the worst - their eyes are crusty and inflamed but the boys are doing well. We have to give them cold medicine and eye goop twice a day, so Dane and I are up early and late each day/night. So far they are staying in the spare bedroom right next to ours- we decided we wanted to hear if anything was going awry and it will be nice for our guests to have a room that is private (ie: downstairs).

Speaking of guests, my mom is arriving this Thursday!! We are taking her to Mizo - Japanese Steakhouse which is a hibatchi style steakhouse near the airport for her birthday. Then I am taking off work early on Friday and we are driving two hours into the Cascades to the Bavarian town Leavenworth (LW). I'm told LW has a Christmas/holiday light display that is ranked one of the top in the nation. Saturday we will make cookies and take the kittens for a check up then go to Handel's Messiah symphony. Sunday I'm taking her to Pike Place Market and West Lake Center. She leaves Monday which is when Jojo and I will leave for PDX to go see U2 in concert at the Rose Garden - I'm so excited it hurts!!

I'm also extremely stressed. I have to close October and November for my six corps by this Friday. At this point it will be impossible. I really didn't know what I was getting in to when I accepted this job. I do love it though - the strain is exciting because I know I will not be reprimanded or scolded for not having my stuff done. I'm granted a lot of lee-way and my trainer and peer Heather has been oh-so-patient with me. She will cover any of my slack - I totally owe her lunch. :-)

Other than the kittens, preparing for Mom to come to town, and work there isn't much to report. However, I would like to say how much I absolutely, completely, and udderly, irrevokably love love LOVE my Dane. Watching him with the kittens has made me fall in love with him all over again. This started out being my "monkey" but he totally loves animals, especially cats. He cares for those kittens so much! He helps me medicate them, helps me spend time with them, feed them, clean them, everything. He even helped me purchase supplies and stuff for them. I think about what other guys in my past would have done and they don't even compare to Dane. They would have been irritated or indifferent, not the kind, compassionate soul Dane is. Another reason I love Dane = I'm totally stressed about cleaning the house for my mom and having time to close the books at work and drive my car up the 40% grade downtown Seattle hills, and what to eat, and what about the girl kittens, and this and that. And he calms me down - always. I picked him up today and he had a Starbucks to "help me get up those hills". I came home to clean and he grabbed the mop and bucket without me saying anything. I decide to starve till my work gets done, he brings me nourishment. Then, as if that wasn't already enough, he says to me "You know - why don't we just get a maid. Then you don't have to worry about cleaning." *mouth drops open* Wow. Just wow. Want another reason? He has totally helped w/ all the Christmas stuff right? AWESOME. But now he and I are making a gingerbread house together. What guy would do that?! Few that I have been with! Except we are both perfectionists and he's not putting the frosting on neatly and I'm not "holding the roof it in the right place." It's funny the things we are obsessive-complusive about.

Well - we are off to decorate the gingerbread house - maybe it will make the blog cut. HA!

Where Birds Go to Die

Dane has always wondered - where do birds go to die? He remarked that you see thousands of live birds but comparatively low amounts of dead birds. Therein lies the question - where do birds go to die? As many of you may know - I have a complete and entirely irrational "thing" about birds. Don't know why, I just do. They always sit in large packs, just sitting, just doing NOTHING! As my long-ago friend once pointed out "they are plotting". I can tell you all the places the birds are here in WA - they are on the booies, on the 3 highway signs for Exits 2A and 2B plus the ferry sign, on the power lines by the Pacific Rim (the lines run BLACK with birds - I'm not lying!), and on the perimeter of the old, abandon brick building off I-5. And they are there everyday. Sitting. Waiting. All facing the same direction day in day out. Everyday. Sitting.

Clearly I need help, but let's not digress. So yesterday Dane drops me off and we see a crow picking at something that is determined to be the right wing of a bird - hello GROSS! But whatever, as Nigel says on Finding Nemo "birds gotta eat, fish gotta swim, right?" So today I'm walking to work and see another crow (probably the same cannibal) picking at something. When I walk next to it I see that it is the spine, breast bone and both wings of a bird hollowed out with bits of bloody, meaty flesh and full feathered wings. DISTURBING. So I take a picture with my phone and send it to Dane, answering his question - where do birds go when they die - they get eaten by other birds on the spot.

OMG - so I totally had this great metaphor for this story and I EFFING lost it in telling the damn thing! *smacks head* D'oh!!

Well the thing that is on my mind is old friends and altercations. Dane and I were talking about a friend of his that was a lot of fun and we had good times with. There was a falling out and we didn't talk for a while, but now that's all water under the bridge. Dane and him talk now, but it is always at bay and their friendship will never be the same. So naturally I thought of my friend divorces. *sigh* I don't take (never did) these divorces lightly and at times the aftermath wears on me. So often I've wondered how these people are, if they wonder about me, how things could have been, and "what if". I think about how things played out and what that means now.

More than anything I realize my mistakes. I realize that I didn't handle things well. I was a coward in many cases - most all of them. I sit here and wish I could talk to them, put a bandaid on "us" and make it better but I'm even too much of a coward for that. What was it - the lion on the Wizard of Oz that wanted courage? That's me. Actually if there was a combo WOO character that lacked all three, the courage, the heart and the brain - that would be me. Wait - there was one - the Wicked Witch of The West....Ironic that I live in the West? NO! Coincidental that my friends call me to sing the WWTW theme song? NO! (Actually ladies - that was funny and I still maintain that that would be my theme music if I could have theme music). I realize that I was very immature in my relationships. I realize that I had an agenda that including proving myself to be right all the time, proving to others that I know what I'm talking about (I don't), and that their ways are wrong (because mine are so right - *sarcasm*). I really lament how things turned out and wish I could go back and click "undo". The trouble is I can't.

What I have learned is to be cautious in my new relationships. I hesitate to say much to Jojo for fear that I will offend her or squander her budding relationship with her partner. I'm so afraid to say anything that it almost seems like I'm not listening - at least if I were her I'd feel like I was being blown off. Thing is - I think she's doing great and all her concerns are valid, run-of-the-mill issues that will blow over like a small storm. But I can't say that her problems are small and will fix themselves when it's very obvious that they aren't small at the time and she is in need of fix, even if that's just a friend smiling and saying "it will be okay". I just feel so confused. I'm torn by the thoughts and expressions of the friends in my past and the compassionate desire to help a friend a need. To be protective and comfort her. I'm so afraid I'll say the wrong thing and hurt her or she will have resentment for me that will take the shape of "F U C" months from now. I never want that again! I never wanted it to begin with! I'm anguished that I ever caused anyone so much grief! I'm so afraid to speak, I don't say much at all.

I am learning that silence really is golden. Even though at times I feel like I could be contributing more, I keep silent. Or try to anyway. Sometimes it's a losing battle for me.

I guess the bottom line is: I have deep remorse for how I've divorced some of my friends in the past. I wish I could find a good way to express myself without pushing the boundaries, coming off defensive, or pressuring them into any sort of obligation. Maybe a letter, but I don't have their addresses. Email is....email is on the fence for me, though that may be my only medium. Perhaps on Christmas Eve when I'm drunk with generous spirit and goodwill towards men/women I will send an email 'o oops. Till then, I'll rack myself with guilt and come up with more ways to prevent another divorce.

To all my friends and family who have ever experienced a divorce, of any kind or color, I'd like to say that I sympathize with the pain you must feel. And I only feel it on a very small scale - I cannot imagine the excruciating process of a formal severance. Stay strong friends! I, too, will try to stay strong.

Under New Management

HA! I had to laugh at my own joke about technical difficulties and "our executives" in meetings to discover resources and how to manage time better. That cracks me up.

Well I've had a great weekend! After work on Friday, Dane and I went to the Westlake Shopping Center. For those outta-towners, WLC is like a HUGE mall downtown. I hesitate to compare it to the 16th Street Mall in Denver but WLC could be considered a cousin of 16th Street. WLC is larger, covering about 6 square city blocks or so (it's not a perfect square). The streets are coblestone and the sidewalks are marble in places. It's an experience on any normal night, but Friday was host to a Christmas Caroler (sp?) sing off! Every 40 feet a group of carolers were singing! The streets were blocked off and there were thousands of people - so many that the police were directing the crosswalks and traffic. We got our shopping done and then it was off to home where it was warm and cozy with friends and fun. I'm addicted to the game Settlers of Catan. We stayed up till two playing other games and chatting.

Saturday Dane and I separated and went Christmas shopping for each other and a few others on our list. I got most of my shopping done and even found an interesting store right in my neighborhood but I can't say - prying eyes might spoil the surprise. *wink* But when in the store I got a call from my lovely friends Sarah and Rhi in Colorado who never forget to remind me when they think of me. If I called them everytime I thought of them or was reminded of something we did or when I missed them then I would never get off the phone! Yes, it's always nice to hear from my CO friends. I've prepared for the worst which is people just forget about you, outta sight - outta mind, so I honestly expected that from everyone. Then I quickly realized, a realization that I've had MANY times but somehow never get the message, that my friends in CO are treasures and they aren't going to simply vanish just because I'm not there in physical body. Bless you lovely Colorado Cuties! :-)

Of course there is my wonderful blessing of a friend here in WA - Jojo. She lost her cell phone on Friday night so when she didn't call, I figured she got busy. By Saturday night I was worried. I left her a message and hoped for the best. After Dane and I shopped our tails off and ate dinner at Daman's we decided it was time to see Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire - by far the best of the 4 movies! Once home we stumbled on Jojo's present to us - the poor thing couldn't call me cause she didn't know my number so she drove down to see me and drop off some cookies she made earlier that day when she was visiting another friend in the area. HOW SWEET! Turns out she has a PDA through her new j-o-b and I was able to call her on that and talk for a couple hours before bedtime - it was an amazing conversation. I am truly lucky to have found such a wonderful friend so quickly here in WA.

Sunday was spent doing homework, making and mailing holiday newsletters. I realized today in a cold sweat that I used the wrong word. I said C&C was a right-to-die activist organization. D'oh!!! I meant to say and I thought I put advocacy. Oh well. There are only a few people who will notice and of the few that do, there is only one person I can think of that will contact me solely to say "YOU MADE A MISTAKE!!" Oh well, when that happens I'll say "Good catch! Thanks!" and let it go, nothing I can do now. *smacks forehead*

Yesterday was AWESOME!! I went to a local Greek restaurant w/ Jojo and 2 mintues turned into 4 hours of chatting! I swear - this girl is a treasure. ALL of my girlfriends are treasures - Peck, Amy, Sarah, Rhi - they mean so much to me, I couldn't live and be happy or complete without each and every one of them. And it is so nice to add another unique, beautiful individual to my full house of amazing friends. I really am the luckiest girl in the world! Between my beautiful babes and my magnificant Mr. Man - life is good.

And of course there are my CATS! I went to the Seattle Humane Society tonight for my volunteer orientation. I will become a foster parent within the month. Rhi's room will be transformed into the foster kitty's room. I can't wait.

Work is good - I spend every morning putting out fires and if I'm lucky I can get to my routine tasks in the afternoon. I am supposed to close October and November in a week and a half. I have no idea how to do this "the Salvation Army way" and I'm ladden w/ other chores and the audit. And my review depends on it. It has been such an adjustment for me to switch to such a large company. I feel like no matter how productive I am, I get nothing done. I know I won't be docked for not getting this stuff done, but I want to have it done so I look good. It may mean that I have to work a little bit on Sunday this weekend or work late next week. I'm preparing for my final in the Constitution class and I need to prepare for my mom's visit. Plus Dane's holiday party is this weekend. Busy busy busy for Miss Crystal. I'm glad I got most of my shopping done already otherwise I'd never have time to do it.

Going to see Narnia this Friday - CAN'T WAIT!!!!! Other than that all is well in Washington. Stay tuned for more updates as interesting stuff happens.