Back By Popular Demand

In my defense, I tried to make an entry last night whilst I was hacking the wireless network at school, but my computer ran out of juice.

Tuesday: So my new diet is not good for Yoga. I have been eating really small portions recently, the Healthy Choice/Smart Ones/Lean Cuisine frozen meals and a dressingless salad is all I have for lunch and dinner. Of course this is simply not enough food fuel for the demanding Yoga that I do and I actually stopped in the middle of the standing poses, lay down, and PASSED OUT!! So there I am sleeping, snoring, drooling, twitching with a rag on my head and I twitch so hard it jolts me out of sleep. I pull the rag off my head stretching and yawning like "Whoo! I'm TIRED!" meanwhile me fellow Yogis are contorted and working HARD. I'm a loser!!! So I didn't even make it to belly dance, I went to Noodles and f*cked it up! Ate, napped, got up and talked to Dane and felt guilty about my sorry performance.

Wednesday: Hard day at work, let's just say it has to do with managers, variance reports, and meaningless, pointless accusations. Ugh. Went home and met with Joe A. to fix the Montero. The Monty was on it's best behavior, bitch. It's all "What?! I'm a good lil car." LIAR!!!!! It did, however, die at every stop. Something with the idle I guess. Joe fiddled with the snap ring and I will test drive it this weekend. He stayed for a moment and we talked - he's WAY effing cool!! Very much "my type" of guy. *wink* Then Rhi got me a Starbucks latte so I could stay up and finish my homework, which I got 1/3 done.

Thursday: Even harder day at work, but I expelled all the negativity. My time in CO is short, I don't have time for bitterness. I also got word that Seattle UOP rejected my transfer. It's just minor financial formalities and as my counselors said "Crystal - you gave us 5 months advance notice - I'm sure we can take care of anything and everything that might be a problem in 5 months." They are so awesome for putting up with me. I had such a day at work that I got a Starbucks for the cold, wet, snowy drive home - it's almost May people!! Meanwhile in Seattle, it's blue skies and in the high 60's! Dane is moping because he doesn't have his bike. I talked to him for a while, he went to LR's Burlesque show last night, I can't wait to hear about it. I even sat in my car in the parking lot and lay back and listened to relaxing music and took some deep breaths to prepare myself for school. I went to Panera and was dead set on broccoli and cheese soup, but then they had wild mushroom bisque!!! It is the BEST!! And it's vegetarian *wink*. School was fun, I was on the net half the time courtesy of UOP's wireless network. Then my computer died, unbeknownst to me laptops have a 2.5 - 3 hour battery life. I thought it would be more. Nope. Shoulda brought my power.

Today: At work, working at about 25%. Hey, it's cold and wet and gloomy! I am excited to go to HOK with Amy tonight and then see what happens from there - I'm up for anything. I've conned Rhi into being our DD.

So that's the latest, there will be more on thoughts/feelings and all that touchy stuff later.

On Time

I can't remember the last time I was actually on time to work. I'm always tweaking my schedule and coming in when I want, leaving 8 hours later, sometimes more, sometimes less. Today I was up the first time the alarm went off. I sat in the cold, quiet bed and wondered what it was about Dane that made me not want to wake up in the mornings. I got up and got ready in my *new* bathroom, it was nice to strut around naked in between getting dressed ready and bathroom ready, a commodity I have not been afforded since Sam moved in. Sam who is now the head of the house and moving into said shoes quite effortlessly. He sat at the head of the table, grilled his lunch/dinner, emerged from his room, kept his door open (so as to keep watch of the women-folk), made Rhi clean the bathroom, offered to mow the lawn when the time came, took the trash out. Rhi and I had to laugh because it seems like Sam was a hermit because Dane was around and now that he's gone Sam's all out and about throughout the house. This is funny because Sam is DANE'S friend originally!

So Friday was fun, I got drunk early and then danced it off by closing time. It was great to have Peck in town for the night, just like old times. Rhi handled her like the champ she is but suddenly she has a newfound respect for me and for taking care of me when I'm drunk. I'm a passerouter, when I get drunk, I'm happy passing out. Not hard to take care of the passed out chick. Peck, on the other hand, is the rowdy, rambunctious type that won't go to bed for NOTHING!! Rhi eventually took her to Karl and Ginger's house. Saturday was stressful, Dane procrastinates EVERYTHING till the last second and spent all day working on the Montero (something that could have been done throughout the last two weeks) and packing at midnight. I had little compassion for him and was thus called "heartless". I won't deny that. Yesterday it took me 3 hours to clean Dane's disgusting bathroom and move back in to it. I also used my Dyson vacuum for the first time *orgasm*. That thing is amazing - so smooth, quiet, easy to clean out. I love it.

Final thought: I have been wanting some alone time for a while now. I am all but ready to make the "plunge" with Dane, but first I've been needing some quiet, alone time. I consider it my last hoorah. I think I will enjoy having the time to myself to go tanning, hit the gym, study for school, and focus on getting my "ducks to quack in unison" (catchy phrase courtesy of Paula). I will undoubtably miss Dane, that's not my point. My point is I/we need this time before we transition into the next chapter of our lives. I need to seal up all loose ends here and spend much needed time with the friends and loved ones residing in CO (and it's neighboring states). Once in Seattle, it will only be Dane and I for a long time. Well, for ever really. So - good luck us, but I am looking forward to the next 4 months rather than dreading it.

The Final Goodbye

I know we said there would be a goodbye party for both Dane and I in September, but (as things often do) plans have changed. Our lease is up the end of August. Dane is limited on the amount of time he can take off so I will be the one to pack up the house and drive out of here. He will be here next month but only long enough for me to pick him up at the airport and drive out to Moab. Then he will be here July 1st, again only long enough for me to pick him up and the airport then ride our bikes out of town and up to Washingtion. So pretty much for all our friends, this is the last time they will see Dane unless they fly up to Seattle. Which you know how that is, that's the "I'll believe it when I see it" type thing. When emotions are flying and beer is in the tummy, people (especially me) tend to say things that they might not be good for. Cite reference two weeks ago when I told a friend that if her husband couldn't make it to London with her this September, I'd be her plan B. Well, it looks like I might be going to London. I laugh because I was totally buzzed hard core when I offered my participation and I figured she was too and it would be one of those things you guys just forget about but no, she remembered and she's willing and excited to take me. Hey, $650 for a trip to London, who wouldn't go?!?!

So the depression of Dane leaving, packing the house, leaving my friends and family, and trying to find a new job is settling in. I actually left work early yesterday because I was so nauseous (and slightly hungover). Everytime I look at the house, all I can think of is how labor intensive it's going to be to pack everything up. I'm getting rid of a lot of our stuff, which will be depressing too. I love my stuffed animals, but I don't know what I'd do with them for the rest of my life and I can't justify taking them with me. *heavy sigh* Then there's Isis's stuff. I'm not ready to even go through it, so I will just take it with me, it's already packed away in tupperware cartons. Then there's Dane's stuff, the cats, the long drive I will be taking. But if Peck could do it on her own, then so can I! I look forward to seeing everyone tonight, it should be a fun hoorah.

A Cowgirl and the Pacific Northwest - 2

Chapter Two - Sleepless in Seattle
In Seattle it is difficult to gage time. The cloud cover allows the sun to travel the skies virtually undetected. It was still soft and grey outside when the couple left for downtown. It was almost 7:00 pm on a Friday evening but the highways were congested worse than Crystal had ever seen. Big, black birds, seagulls, and pidgeons flew around navigating the same course as the Taurus, some birds stopping to rest on the booies in Lake Washington. It must have been rush hour for the birds too, as every booey was occupied. Arriving just on time at 7:30, Dane and Crystal walked into Elliot's to meet the VP and his partner. Crystal was adorned in a floor length black and red sarong with shells and mirrored sequins, black top with see-through lace empire waist, and hair down, Dane in his favorite grey slacks and black top. John and his partner, Terri, showed them to the table and ordered a bottle of red and a bottle of white. John asked if Dane and Crystal had ever tried oysters. When they replied no, John ordered a plate of fresh oysters to be delivered immediately. Cornered between impressing the VP and being rude, Crystal and Dane decided to overcome their intimidation of oysters and try something new. Dane was even more adventuresome than Crystal, for his first oyster was plain save one drop of Tabasco. Crystal piled on as much cocktail sauce as the little shell could withstand and waited till Dane slurped his oyster before continuing. To his suprise he enjoyed the sea critter and grabbed more. Crystal sat with her oyster cocktail, sipping red wine hoping it would give her the courage she needed to slurp the critter. Finally she took a shot. She did not vomit, like she feared she might, but she was not ready to try another one either. The dinner progressed nicely with exquisite seafood and wonderful wine. Dessert challenged a glass of cogniac for the hard core quests while Crystal sipped her Alpenwood through a straw laced with whipped cream. Around 10:30 Crystal and Dane thanked John and Terri for a wonderful evening and slipped out to find the luscious Laura Rose.

The studio on Fremont was small and inconspicous. Not at all what Crystal was expecting. Delilah was very happy to see Crystal and even gave Dane a hug, though she'd never met him. The three briefly discussed Seattle, then Crystal left to find Laura Rose to get ready for the evening. Crystal donned her famous Sailor Moon outfit, largely inspired by Laura Rose herself. Once ready, Crystal said her goodbyes to Eric and Delilah and left with Dane, Laura Rose, and her friend Cherokee. They went to a members only goth club called The Mercury. There were many hard core gothic-types of all sizes and shapes. The bartenders poured stout drinks and it wasn't long before Crystal was drunk and working the croud for attention telling anyone and everyone who bothered to listen "I'm from Denver, isn't that fun?!" Standing out in her white tank top, pig tails with white flowers, and white knee high stockings, Crystal was already making new friends in Seattle. The Mercury stops serving alcohol at 2, but stays open till 4. The group decided however to make their way back to Laura Rose's apartment and then meet up at one of her friend's house two blocks down. The small capital hill apartment was littered with drunk, stoned, and high twenty-something partiers. The tiny pad had a direct view of downtown Seattle and Crystal spent most the night talking to new people while Dane held a wall up and took it all in. Not long after the Pabst Blue Ribbon beer was passed to Dane did he decide it was probably time to go. About the same time a shirtless Crystal was saying goodbye to her shirtless new friends, both male and female. It doesn't change no matter what state you are in, females MUST get naked when they drink.

A Cowgirl and the Pacific Northwest

Chapter One - A Brand New Day
The cell phone alarm burst to life at the not-so-ripe hour of 4:00 am. Crystal groaned in protest, it can't possibly be that time already. A sleepy, one-eyed look at the wind-chime clock/alarm confirmed that it was, in fact, 4:00 am. "I have a few more minutes" Crystal thought as she weakly tugged at the covers weighed down by an overweight female calico cat. Soon the calico's two-toned brother approached the edge of the bed where Crystal lay. He announced that he was aware the alarm went off and in accordance to the Cat Owner Agreement, Crystal was to feed him immediately upon awaking in the mornings and in the evening upon arrival. 4:16 am. Time to get up lest Crystal miss another flight out of Denver. The bags had been packed the night before, the travel clothes neatly laid out. Crystal got ready, excitement mounting. She pulled her hair into her staple hairdo, a pony tail with a cheery twist on top. "It looks like a hairpiece." Crystal remarked to herself. Soon Crystal and Dane were on their way. Late as usual. Excitement mixed with anxious thoughts as they drove the 56 miles to the Denver International Airport. It was still dark being only 5:30 am but the sky was starting to show signs of light. The inky black was slowly being smeared with the royal blue hues of the coming morning. Sunlight. A sunrise. These things might be left in Denver along with a mascarade of other items. An array of bachelor furniture, a pile of worn tires, best friends, enemies, a good job. It was all becoming part of the past.

DIA is the home of a myriad of airline problems. Gates are always double booked, the concourse train is often out of order, security is inconsistant. Today the train was down. Crystal and Dane exchanged a knowing smile, both thinking about the life they were stepping into and the life they were leaving behind. Once on the plane things weren't much smoother. Several mechanical failures and even the failure of emergency vehicles brought a worrisome cloud over most passengers, but Crystal and Dane were content - what a small thing to fret when there was so much left to do!

Soon after 10:00 am Crystal and Dane stepped off the Thrifty Rental shuttle bus...it was wet. Crystal said as much to Dane with a touch of shock and distaste. The other bus riders chortled in response "Welcome to Seattle!" It was everything people say it is. Overcast, rainy, a sense of quietness all about. The couple loaded the Silver Ford Taurus and headed off to the mall. Dane had accidently spilt Diet Coke all over Crystal's only pair of jeans for the weekend. Crystal, completely unconsolible about the pending trip to the mall, scolded Dane for his carelessness. Dane, knowing the pending trip to the mall scolded himself for his carelessness. The mall yielded two great pairs of jeans, a cute pink top with matching sweater, and a 20 gage nose ring. Crystal was feeling good because she was able to fit in the size she thought she was quite nicely. Dane was happy that the trip was relatively low in cost and quick in nature. Crystal always goes in right for the kill, no time to fool around.

The two crazed their way to downtown Seattle to the infamous Pike Place Market. They walked the market and ate a fast lunch overlooking Puget Sound above the Seattle Aquarium. Then the two muddled their way to Redmond for an impromptu meeting with the VP of Denali, the company that hired Dane to work in Seattle. Once there it was decided to visit the site of the client Dane would be working for. Site being an understatement, Dane and the VP, John, fled to one of the Boeing campuses. Crystal found a place to relax and get a much needed pedicure. Later, the two rejoined at the hotel on the disturbingly quiet and elusive Microsoft Campus. The Microsoft Buildings were many - so many that it Microsoft is listed on the map, like it was a national monument. It practically is.

A Beautiful Day

So I can always tell in my Tuesday performance of Yoga if I have been drinking the weekend before. I mean obviously I know if I went drinking regardless, but I can always tell how much it effects me. And I pulled my back on Monday, so that didn't help the cause. But see that's the amazing thing about Yoga. One day you can be a Yoga-Superstar, the next day you can barely do Half Moon. I am going to start going to Yoga 2 -3 times a week now that the man is leaving. It's sad, I'm beginning to realize how long this next 6 months is going to be. Dane and I had a great night at dinner and hanging out last night. It was a lot of fun. I really am going to miss him immensely. *sigh* Then my transfer from Denver to Seattle might not go so seamless. UOP Seattle doesn't have the same timeline as Denver, so there will be a 6 month lag time. So now instead of graduating April 2006, I won't graduate till October 2006. I suppose it's a small concession to make to be with Dane, but it is still frustrating.

In other news, life is crazy here at work with the Dear Abby column. Once Dane leaves I will take advantage of some overtime, maybe pay off some bills sooner. I think that with Dane not being around I won't go out to eat/drink as often (maybe once or twice a month). That will help with the budget and the waistline. I plan to live off Weight Watcher/Healthy Choice meals once he's gone. I will have all the time I need to tan, ride my bike to the gym, exercise at home, go to more Yoga classes, belly dance more often. *sigh* I'm sad.

I need to get a web cam, a laptop, and a vacuum in the next two weeks. I'm gonna get a Dyson - those things are cool.

Seattle or Bust!

Well, it's official. We are going to Seattle. FAQ
1. When will you leave for Seattle?: Dane leaves for Seattle on April 24th. He will be back in Denver the end of May and *maybe* June (if we go to Jamaica/other). I will not leave till the end of September. I have school, work, rental lease, and other loose ends to tie up in Denver.

2. Does this mean I will never see Dane again?: No. Friday, April 22nd, we are going to have a get-together to congratulate Dane on his job and see him off with warm hugs and wishes. Special guest appearances by Peck and (hopefully) Paula. The end of September will host the official going-away party for me and Dane.

3. What about the Luau?: I am sorry, but the Luau is cancelled.

4. Why are you moving to Seattle?: Dane is moving because he was offered a great job opportunity complete with better pay, benefits, fringe benefits, better/bigger company, etc. I am moving because my options are: move with Dane or leave him. There is no question what I am choosing. I am excited to go to Seattle because I can learn the art of belly dance from the dazzling Delilah delightening and the lucious Laura Rose. :) Seattle is also bigger and has a bigger accounting community - for reasons I do not know. Seattle also has great universities for me to attend.

5. Is there a UOP in Seattle?: Yes - there are 5 UOP locations for me to choose from. From there I will most likely attend Seattle University for my dual master's program.

6. Where will Dane live when he's in Seattle?: Dane will reside in corporate housing until I come up in September. The house has high speed internet.

7. Are you going to see Dane after he moves to Seattle? Will you be lonely?: I will see Dane in May and June in Denver. I will probably fly up to Seattle to see him in July, August, and September so I can assume a job and help with the house hunting process. Yes, we will be extremely lonely and miss each other a lot, but we will both have a lot going on to keep us occupied. And there's always late night yahoo. :)

8. How is Rhi handling this?: Rhi is a trooper. She realizes this is a step Dane and I have to make and is supportive and helpful to the enth degree. She is considering her options at this time and will probably make more concrete decisions as the summer wears on. She is sad, but understands (better than I did at her age I might add) that this is a simple fact of life. We are all aware that distance in location does not mean there has to be a distance in friendship.

9. Are you scared?: I'm spooked outta my g*d-d*mned mind!! I have never cut the apron strings (so to speak). Although I have lived on my own for a while, I have never really been away from mommy and daddy and that will be a big adjustment for me to make. But I'm just as excited as I am scared.

10. Will you have to rely on Dane?: For what? No. Dane and I have always been both self-sufficient and each other's number one resource. I plan to have a job upon my arrival in Seattle. If not, then Dane and I will help each other out so that we realize the right path in the right time.

11. How do you feel about leaving C&C?: I am very sad. Again, there was/is no question regarding my decision to follow Dane out to Seattle. Having said that, I am making certain concessions to be with him. Leaving an absolutely fabulous dream job is one of them. I have all the flexibility, benefits, mentoring, great pay, etc. that a 25 yr old could possibly want here. I love the people, I love the mission, I love what I do, I love my office, I love it. However, having said that - there is something to be said for being too comfortable and (as my friend Joe pointed out today) stagnant. He never stays at a job longer than 2 years and explained that he gets more experience that way, never gets bored or comfortable. I like that. I never planned on staying at C&C my whole career (thank you Paula) and as the beautiful Gwen Stefani would say "Whatchu waiting for? Take a chance, you stupid hoe. Take a chance cause you might grow."

12. Who can I contact to talk about taste loss in beer? http://www.preventtasteloss.com/home_ptl.jsp

I am a beautiful flower, with nothing interesting to say

Well there isn't much new to speak of per se. I think I bombed the Law test last Thursday, but the grades haven't posted so I can't be sure. Last weekend was spent watching a lot of movies (Bridget Jones, Ray, Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, Sin City) all were great. I still want to see Finding Neverland but incidentally I can never find it. I rested well, ate take out, and accomplished nothing. It was a great mini-vacation. I always spend my time off in some far off place going a thousand miles a minute. It was nice to just sit at home in my woobie sarong, hang out with the kitties and roomies. Sometimes being sick is good I think.

I've been thinking more about the Seattle business. Dane still hasn't received an offer one way or another, I secretly wonder if they are using him for free consulting - like stringing him along, then they will cut him loose. I don't know, our industries are so different, this is probably just how it works. He doesn't seem to be worried. I have put my resume on Monster and I even applied for an interesting job - we'll see what bites. I'm so scared and nervous, but I'm also excited. I would be sad if this didn't happen for us. I worry to much I think.

Rhi got a hampster yesterday. His name is Stinkigh, because when Dane was talking smack about him he straight up stood on his hind legs and stared at Dane for a long time giving him the "stink eye". Dewey broke the lamp surrounding the hampster's cage. Apparently Stinkigh intrigues Dewey more than Gerbil did. Maybe it's the glass cage. Then I waited behind Rhi's door while she was showering and when she came out and into her room, I silly stringed her. It was amusing, but not to Rhi I think.

I'm done.

My Civil Duty

So I managed to secure a pair of jeans and sweatshirt and will myself to work. The sole purpose: to pay the wonderful employees of C&C. Good thing too because it turns out MC was sick as well. She was eternally grateful that I went in to work to pay the folks, being that if I hadn't she would have had to. So the next time I might be accused of not being dedicated to my job (to my knowledge I have never been accused of this in the past) I will cite reference today when I, sick and all, crawled out of my bed and braved horrendous weather to make sure all were paid. Okay, enough tooting my horn, back to real, humble life.

I played a joke on Rhi today in "honor" of the coming April Fool's Day. *snicker* I informed her that her car was no longer a resident of the driveway or neighboring side streets. She concluded that since she did not have the car it was either a) stolen, or b) towed from the driveway. I embellished (b) for as long as I could until she was ready to disconnect and phone the proper authorities. I then claimed "April Fool's Day" on her. She thinks this is an invalid claim since it is not, in fact, April Fool's Day. I maintain that paying hommage can happen at any time, regardless of date, and therefore my honoring April Fool's Day is valid. *snicker*

So I love learning about the law and have decided that for my next trick, I will go to law school and get the certification to be a lawyer. This is on top of my CPA certification. Like my CPA, I do not intend on making a career out of being a lawyer, simply obtaining and maintaining the knowledge/status. Imagine how lethal a CPA/lawyer can be. *evil laugh* I WILL BE UNSTOPPABLE!!! It amuses me that my mother, amongst others, has questioned "why" I might get a CPA if I never plan on "using" it in the context that most people would "use" it. My response is: why wouldn't I go all the way to certify my education? If I go through all the learning and experience motions that are required for CPAs and lawyers, why wouldn't I go the extra 2 feet to certify it? And you never know when I might want to use it. And I would "use" the knowledge everyday that I would get from going to the extent of CPA and lawyer. And I would be that much more credible. Imagine you have two prospective employees in front of you, the chairman of the board, applying for the coveted job of CEO. They both have the same experience, they are both of the same nationality (for the sake of affirmative action), they both have masters degrees (or possibly higher). But only one has certified their education with a CPA and lawyer designation. Which one are you likely to choose? The one who is nationally recognized as a professional, that's who you are going to choose. Why wouldn't you want to be the best you can be?

Spring Forward

Dane is in the process of interviewing for a job in Seattle. The job is higher paying, better benefits, permenant full-time, high profile company, etc. In fact, it sounds like they are ready to offer him something. So this leaves quite a few doors open for me. I think we might maintain the lease here till the end of September (or whenever it ends) while Dane works in Seattle and visits me once or twice a month or visa versa. It would give me time to settle loose ends down here, transfer my credits, find a job, find a nice house, etc. I am scared but also very excited, how cool would it be to move to Seattle!! Delilah/Laura Rose is there, Starbucks, Bikram Yoga, Burlesque, a whole new life. It would be so fun!! I will miss all my friends and family here, but I don't think this move would be permenant for us. My parents are happy which is weird, I didn't think they'd be quite so supportive. I think that regardless of what happens with this job offer, Dane and I are in for some BIG changes this fall. Just a feeling I have. Whether it's buying a house here, moving out-of-state, or something else, I feel our lives will forever change (for the better) this fall. Wish us luck!!!

Schiavo Case

*sigh* Because I work for a right-to-die organization a lot of my friends and family are interested in hearing not only my views, by my employer's overall views on this specific case. I should say that we are a pro-choice organization, not a pro-death. We (myself included) believe that each and every individual should be able to decide their own fate IF AND ONLY IF they are terminally ill (this can mean anything from Alzheimer's to PVS - persistive vegetative state). We/I do not believe any person "hurt over life" should be able to off themselves. We/I do not believe that if you're old and have had enough and want to "check out" you should be able to. We are saying that if you in a terminal (this means permenant) state of illness, whatever color that illness is, you should be able to save yourself the pain and agony of long, stressful, hurtful dying process. We believe you should be able to die with dignity and not wetting yourself in a hospice bed with only the on-duty nurse to mourn you. We believe you should be able to save your assets and money for your loved ones to thrive on not be wasted on keeping you alive when there is no quality of life or hope for you to enjoy your life the way YOU once did. OR we believe that if you want to hang on to life, to hang on to the hope that you might prevail (because people do wake up from 20 year comas) that YOU should have that right!!! We are not interested in forcing one belief or another onto the citizens of the United States. We are not a cult, or a religious organization that is jamming our choices and morality down the throats of an extremely diverse community. America was founded on the freedom that is ours to curse our President, if we choose, to wear a pink tutu to the grocery store, if we choose, to have children - to have 10 children, if we choose, to pray to God or pray facing the East, whatever WE CHOOSE!!!! Why can't we choose how we die? We do not believe the goverment should have a say in OUR choice. This means the slippery slope argument that if we allow physician aide in dying that eventually the government will have control over who lives and dies. THIS CAN'T BE FURTHER THAN THE TRUTH!!! Cite reference the Terri Schiavo case. The government has no business getting involved. I sympathize with Terri's parents. And don't think that I am just saying that because it's the PC thing to say. I KNOW what it's like to have a child on a life support system. I KNOW what it's like to live in "limbo" not knowing whether your child will live or die, not knowing if you should hold on to that 1 in 1 million chance that your child, your perfect little star, your love, your apple, your strong little trooper might, JUST MIGHT beat the odds and overcome a coma. I KNOW what it's like to look at your child and hold a clipboard that signs away her life. That says you acknowledge that signing this agreement will most likely end in your child's death and YOU and only YOU are responsible. I know what that's like. And I'd rather slit my wrists with a dull knife and drip dry bleed to death than ever go through that limbo again. To go through 15 years, like the Schindler's have, is certain hell. I can imagine a fraction of their pain. But I believe it is time to let go. When she said "I do" she emancipated herself. She gave guardianship to Michael. You can't choose your parents, you can choose your spouse. I believe with all my being that Terri would not want to live this way and expressed this to her love, her husband. I believe it is time to let her soul go. Where ever it will go, let her fly. Let her be free. Let us all be free to choose.

I Should Clarify

It has come to my attention that if all you read was this blog, you would think that Dane and I have this horrible relationship that is teetering ever so closely on the brink of break up. This is not true. See, this is what I (and many others) are guilty of. When all is well, mum's the word, but when the sh*t hits the fan, an angry blog insues. So here is a list, cause I said I would make a list, but this list is only for Dane. I will make another list another time, but for now this should give a more proper representation.

Just this week: Dane gave me a dozen roses for no reason (though secretly I maintain that it's because he can't deliver on the Marilyn Manson songs that I want), Dane laughed at me and helped me to the truck after I told the whole bar and everyone on Broadway that "THIS MAN DOESN'T DELIVER!!" rather than get mad and leave my drunk ass, which is what he should have done. :) He opened the truck door for me everytime I got in the truck. He paid for my drinks and mushrooms at the Hafla. He told me I looked nice yesterday morning. He's making my dinner tonight. He didn't bop me upside the head when I couldn't fall asleep on Sunday night. He didn't get all grossed out when I drooled and snored on him the next night. He stopped what he was doing to help my friend with a special project for FOUR hours. He made the Montero box look pretty AND be functional. He pulled my car into the garage. He paid attention to the cats and gave them WAY more love than any other man in the world would do. He turned off the TV in honor of quiet time. He called the dealership to stand up for me. He made dinner so I could work out downstairs in the Room of Art and Dance that he made for me. He cuddled me every night. He watched "The Notebook"...for the third time. He took the trash out. He helped with the dishes. He laughed at me when I made fun of him. He blushed AGAIN on the ride home with the girls.

Yep, Dane is a wonderful man that I should be so lucky to have even if he does have one or two downfalls. Our relationship has stood a small test of time and trials and we are still together, holding hands and shaking our fists at the rest of the world. :)

Double Whamy!

Inspired by Boom Beck's blog, I have decided to evaluate my well-being on several different tiers.

Spiritual - I think I am doomed to a life of confusion in the spiritual realm. I have seen so much that I cannot deny a greater power exists, but who and what it is - I don't know. I know that I believe such a power exists. I know that evil exists. My beliefs/values/moral pivot on what I consider to be the basic rules/laws of life: don't cheat, don't steal, don't kill, don't covet, don't worship material possessions, honor yourself, respect your family/elders, etc. Above and beyond this I have sub-values and almost always break them and then re-evaluate them, but for the most part I think my spirituality simply exists within me.

Intellectual - I think I have an adequate amount of thinking capacity and questioning ability - while I don't contemplate everything I meander across in life, I put a lot of thought towards how the world around me works. I am not Aristotle, but I am certainly not a ditzy blonde either.

Physical - Lately I have been both very good and very bad with my physical being. I go to Bikram Yoga and belly dance religiously every week. I ride my bike to the gym, or to go tanning, or to grab some food. I practice yoga and dance at home as well. I eat good food, for the most part. I drink and smoke entirely too much, which I plan on changing - I do not like handing toxins to myself after all the hard work I do to maintain a healthy lifestyle.

Social - I think I am a good daughter and a good friend. I'm a moderate sister and lover. While I shower Dane with gifts and support (even if it's tough love) I am told that I am not affectionate enough and I do not respect him or my relationship with him. I am told that I respect and care for every one else but throw him to the wolves, so I suppose my social well-being leaves something to be desired by others.

Aesthetic - While I am not good at it, I love to draw, doodle, paint, color, and look at art - any kind. I have my opinions, but I appreciate all of it. I love ballet, I love dance, I love symphonies, I love music. I use recycled paper. I am a member of the Colorado Mountain Club. I carpool (more because I have to than because I *believe* in it). I am a member of the Denver Botanic Gardens.

Career - I definitely have this well-being covered. I have a plan, I am active in my plan, I am constantly looking ahead and doing everything I can from morning network sessions, to furthering my education, to certifying my knowledge, volunteer work, scholarship winner, etc. in order to achieve. I am in career well-being full bloom.

Emotion - Well I don't think I have a handle on this at all. I can barely balance, let alone balance my emotions against other emotions and respond correctly and appropriately. I have a lot of work to do when it comes to emotional well-being, the yoga has helped. Growing up has helped. The removal of some bad influences in my life has helped. I suppose I might always struggle with this one.

Thank you B for sharing your definitions on your blog, it was a great way for me to map out where I am in my own life and I always adore people who motivate me to look within.

My Girl Likes to Party All the Time, Party All the Time, PAAARTY All the TIIIME

I had a most fabulous weekend, but it's becoming quite clear to me that I have developed a party pattern. Every Spring and Fall I droop into this phase of heavy alcoholism. This is the first year that I am aware of it and I have decided to fix this little pattern. First of all, I only have enough money to take P out for her birthday and that's it, so that will help some of my partying habits. Second of all, I've decided to all but cut alcohol out of my diet - I am doing everything right, exercising 6 days a week, some days up to 2.5 hours, watching what I eat and how much I eat. The only thing left is alcohol. I have not cut back on that and therefore it is the only thing holding me back from losing the weight I want. So it's gone. That and I can't really remember this weekend, I had a boatload of fun - don't get me wrong, I just think I could have been a little more responsible.

So this weekend in a nutshell: Thursday I got my car back, after spending $2000 to get anything and everything fixed. Went to school and had good time. Went to Bennigan's and rolled my eyes at Rhi, who was being meloncholy for whatever reasons. Had a few green beers and diet coke/vodka's then headed to the deadbeat for more fun and dancing. I barely remember being at the deadbeat. After the deadbeat we went home and had more fun - I think I was naked from the waist up, oh wait - I had my fake fur coat on, that's right. Then Friday I was hungover most of the day, went to breakfast/lunch at Le Peep, community nap, dinner, hanging out doing homework, watching movies, eating two dinners. Saturday was more homework and getting ready, the hafla was amazing, I thought I should have dressed up more, but then I got to thinking - I looked way different and amazing in P's sarong (THANKS P!!), I love that thing. Once there and kicking S, A, D and I decided to go to Cherry Pit, from what I recall it was a fun night, but alas I was HAMMERED!!! Sorry S and A, I should have controlled myself more. Went home and I passed out. Hungover all day Sunday, didn't do any homework, ran errands with Dane. Felt almost human by the time we met the Moab group at Chili's. I can't wait for this year's trip, it's going to be awesome!!!

To all: I had a wonderful weekend, I am so thankful to all my wonderful, caring friends who tolerate me no matter what and do amazing things for me (warming up my car, leaving the sarong for me, taking care of me all drunk). You guys are the best.

Demise

So I am plotting my conversation with Dane. *sigh* More than ever I really feel pulled down by him. The reoccuring dreams of him holding me down in water are equally disturbing. Now understanding, in these dreams he is not being malicious and I should also note that although underwater, I can still breathe but go through the same flailing motions of drowning. I can't get to the top, Dane is keeping me down from the top. Of course I've talked to him about this and we both know what it means. I've had numerous conversations with him about improving himself and getting a passion. So I can't change him, that's not my goal, I'm motivating him to do what is within him to do. Above all, I want Dane - BUT if he is going to stay in the same rut and never self-improve then he shouldn't be shocked when I leave him. So he gets a passion and then that's ALL he can talk about. I don't overwhelm him with my passions, and while I"m happy his passion benefits me and he's excited about something, I find myself still bored with him. Then, on top of all this, he has the nerve to hand my ass to me Saturday night. He claims that I think I'm perfect, that I ignore him all the time, that I don't care about him, that I didn't introduce him, that I roll my eyes at him, that I hold everything against him, that I don't allow him to talk about his feelings, etc. Let me tell you about Dane - he holds it all in and then blows up like a volcano and unleashes fury on me and then has the nerve to turn it back on me when I confront him about his explosions. He says "You explode all the time and I just sit there and take it!" THAT SOUNDS LIKE YOUR OWN PROBLEM NOT MINE SO STOP PUNISHING ME FOR YOUR OWN COWARDNESS!!!!!! And for the record, when I got yelled at for the aforementioned acts, I was calmly looking out of a window holding his hand. And note that he had just handed Rhi's ass to her AND had about 1 pitcher of beer and 3 - 4 rum and cokes. I had a total of 1 glass of white wine and 2 Michalob Ultras over the course of 4 hours. So I was sober and Dane was drunk. And he made a point to tell me that he just *KNEW* I was going to hold this over his head in the morning. And that's why he can't talk to me. Well here's the thing, I can take your critism but if you want to scream at me and you aren't prepared for my rebuttle, then shut up! That means YOU can't take the critism. OR if you can't handle me sitting there quietly taking it all in, then that means you want to fight. I can't win. I don't care when people bring problems/concerns to my attention, but be ready for my explanations OR my quiet, reflective attitude. Also, if you bring your concerns to me in an inappropriate manner, you should expect to hear about it from me. In return, when I am being obtuse, I would expect people to mention it at that time, not save it in their pocket as an excuse for when they want to get unruly with me. I am surrounded by sensitive pansies, what I consider rude may not be what Daisy Dane considers rude. I expect to be made aware of how my actions make you feel at the time or I will assume that all is well.

I am not looking forward to talking to him. I don't want to talk to him. I don't want to see him.

Racking Debt

It seems like everytime I get close to paying something off, something comes up and I lose all my self control and end up in debt again. I suppose to some degree I will always be in debt, but my debt to Dane and the United Visa and everything just keeps getting bigger and bigger. I have finally put away both my credit cards so I can't cause any more trouble. Except I still cause trouble and now I only have $65 to last till March 23rd. *sigh* The only thing I really need to spend money on anyway is the Hafla on the 19th, so it's not a big deal AND it will give me (and others) incentive to stay home this weekend and focus on the BIG chore - cleaning the basement of all the filth, clutter, old appliances, litter, and stuff. Dane gets to get organized and toss half his clothes, Rhi gets to toss half her clothes, and I get the wonderful task of cleaning everything in between: the stairs, laundry area (especially behind the washer and dryer), organizaing the storage area, cleaning my room of art, organizing my already organized area, and helping Dane and Rhi with anything. I'm anticipating this being a two-day event, but you never know. We did such a good job rearranging the garage, that this might go just as smooth. Plus we need to do camping inventory in preparation of Moab.

I have at least been good about exercising on my bike and at the gym even if I am not so good at doing my tapes at home. And I ditched belly dance last night. And I've had desserts. A LOT of desserts. But it appears as though I am losing weight and I'm getting better and better each time I attend my yoga class. Yeah me!! This is the hardest part for me, it's like once I start to actually see results, I throw in the towel. I've already started slipping (the desserts) so now that I am aware of this slippage, I will work even harder to keep things under control, cause I am doing a good job and if I just keep at it, I will lose the pounds. Then I can get my tatts removed, then an augmentation!! Yeah!

You ever....

know something is up? I mean, there isn't a grim reaper sitting next to me reading the latest issue of "Morbid" just waiting for the last sand to drop, but I have a feeling that something is up. And it's not as serious as death. I don't have a feeling that anyone is going to die, but I do have a feeling that something is up with Dane. I don't know. Things are...different. He doesn't look at me as tenderly, he doesn't talk to me as compassionately, and well - he doesn't cuddle me like he used to. I asked him last night if there was anything he wanted to talk about, he declined and turned it back on me. It's just that everytime I get around him, my female sirens go off - like the gauges are pegged! Something inside me, some intuition says he's hiding something. And I'm confused because sometimes I think it's just silly stuff, like I KNOW he had shrimp without me the other night. But then I wonder, maybe shrimp isn't a crustacean from the sea, maybe shrimp is another person. Okay, okay - a silly metaphor, but "what if"? Then I think about how time consuming and utterly useless "what if" scenarios are. I mean, all it does is cause negativity, fear, loathing, depression - not good stuff. So I let it go, what happens will happen and I will be okay regardless. I find myself actually becoming happy at the thought of Dane with another woman who might treat him better than I do. Then I have to wonder (as someone once suggested) is Dane simply my accessory? Is it normal to smile on your intimate partner and say "It's okay if we don't work out, as long as you are happy" or should I be the martyr in love? Does my "indifference" (for lack of a better word) mean that I am not in love with him? Or does it mean that I am actually changing so much internally that I might overcome this demon from the past? God I hope so. I don't want to be controlling anymore. I don't want people to think of me as this stressed little tightwad. I don't want to be a stressed little tightwad. I really think I am winning. I am going through the middle and winning. :) Who will be there on the other side? I suppose I will see when I get there. How exciting!

Senior Year

I will start my senior year officially on Thursday with Contemporary Business Law. Classes are more in....so I'm having a moment. One of my colleagues just put her toddler daughter on speaker phone while she was singing "Itsy Bitsy Spider" and then I thought about how it might be to hear Isis sing and secretly I dream up make believe situations like I'm sitting in a meeting at work and Detective Gretchen tells me that Mike has been harboring Isis this whole time, he faked her death so he wouldn't have to pay child support but they found her and she's mine and I get to take her home. Or sometimes when I drive to my parent's house I pretend like I've just been out playing and being a kid and Isis will be there when I get there and I can pick her up and go back to my "normal" life. And then I take a birdseye view of my silly dreaming and have to say to myself that what I am doing is awefully depressing. There is NO way Isis will ever walk through my office doors. She is not playing with my mom at home and she never will be. This is not a custody battle with her father. This is not a social services issue with the state. She is gone. And how definitive is death?! Uh, very! Then I cry at the realization that I can dream all I want for Isis and it will never, ever come true. Then my heart HURTS for all the children out there that just need love and attention and people to care for them and nuture them and I read the paper and discover that a 16 year old boy is 43 lbs and he lives in a closet with 4 other kids and they get their toenails ripped off for misbehaving. I imagine all the helpless infants and toddlers that are abused and hurt and I just want to love them. Then I realize that it was MY daughter, MY infant, MY toddler that WAS abused and beaten to death and I want to tear my heart out!!! I want to cry out to the world "WHAT WAS I TO DO? I DIDN'T KNOW! GIVE ME, NO FUCK ME, GIVE HER - GIVE ISIS ANOTHER CHANCE!!!!" I just want to love her. I just want to tell her it's okay. I just want to save every child from this. Why? Why do people hurt kids?

WOW!

So the board reports are finally done!! They kicked my ass all week and now the filing is going to overcome me, but not before I jot a quick note to myself. :)

Speaking of, I noticed a comment on my blog asking advice on the issuance of this blog address. My blog is my personal journal and as people have asked, I have kindly extended my blog address. I haven't felt an overwhelming urge to blast email everyone in the world of my personal journal address. I am not entirely sure who does and does not have this address. I don't keep track of that as the entries I write are not written to those reading my blog, they are for me. Having said that, I am happy to share my journal with anyone interested. Please do not take personal offense if I have not sent a golden invitation your way. :)

More on life later, there have been many revalations - all good stuff!

Valentine's Day Weekend

Dane and I, forever the non-traditionalists, have decided to celebrate V-day on President's Day weekend. There are several reasons for this act, #1 V-day stuff is now on sale #2 we each have a V-day, meaning I am to take him out on Sunday and he is to take me out tonight #3 we didn't want to deal with the hoopla of V-day weekend at any restaurants #4 we didn't want to deal with the hoopla of P-day and the All-Stars in downtown Denver this weekend. So I think we will have a fun weekend. We are going to Central City on Saturday, I'm going to EFF up the all you can eat crab!!!! Besides that, all is well. I'm looking forward to having Monday off. I'm getting better at portion control. I've started a new exercise routine throughout the day.

OH! I may be starting an intern at an accounting firm. It would kill my free time, but I need the experience. We'll see.