I can officially say that the house is restored. Hooray! We still have a lot of work to do to clean up but the general contractor is done. Finally. It was a long, hard road getting here but we've made it through. It has already taken days and days to clean - we spent 2 4-day weekends cleaning the house, rearranging and recovering from all the sanding and dust. It's been tough. But we now have a beautiful kitchen (pics to come) and a wonderful deck!
Lost some friends in the process, more on that later, and it's taken a toll on my freshly repaired relationship with Peck. I have some interesting ideas on my interactions with my friends and why I struggle so much. Dane said a few weeks ago: "Crystal, you bend over backwards for your friends. You always drive to them, you always switch your schedule to fit theirs at times convenient for them, you always sacrifice what you are doing so you can go to them. Who is doing that for you?" It hit me like a ton of bricks. No one. However, when I have asked - 2 of my friends have obliged. The others? There always seems to be some reason why they can't bend my direction. It's a very interesting dynamic. Then they make me feel like a jerk-ass friend for not coming to them. It's like they know I respond to that and they manipulate me to suit their needs. Not what I would call friends at all. In the one case I had to break away from the friend and in the other case I've drifted away to try to find some balance. I think it's possible and I even think it's what we both want. We'll see how it pans out. I think I just need to stick to stronger boundaries. That's actually really hard for me to do.
Son in the case of the lost friend, that's Becky R. Several times I had told her how busy I was going to be with work, my mom in town, the house restoration and not to take it personal if I wasn't as responsive. In retrospect I should have never said anything at all. I should have just let it be and come out the other side bearing apologies for being under water. Lesson learned. However, in my attempts to be kind I think I set a trap. I think Becky wanted to be "wanted" enough that I would break away from my career and domestic duties to find time and space for her. When that didn't happen, I think she felt slighted. When she approached me about having time to meet and I said I was still working on the house, she seemed frustrated. I talked to Dane about this and that's when he said that Becky wants to be friends with me when it is convenient for her. That's when he asked who's going the extra mile for me and suggest I invite her over so she could see the house, see what we were working on and say hi. I did exactly that and she opted out - I don't even know why - she said that Jamie and Hayden were visiting his father so I'm not even sure what prevented her from coming and honestly I don't care - it doesn't matter - maybe she wanted a quiet evening at home - great! Just don't make me feel like I'm the asshole because I can't come to YOU and visit with YOU when it is convenient for YOU. No big deal though, right? Till the next day I get a text from her that says "Are you at the Ren Fair?" Very much like "Ha! You are sooooo busy yet you have time for the Ren Fair?" Like she caught me. I sent back "Are you fucking kidding me?" She's all "Nope lol, just saw Jer at the front entrance - hope you guys have fun!" Seriously?! So because you run into my BFF's husband that by de facto means I'm there?! I was beyond over it so I told her that no, I wasn't there but everyone we knew was there celebrating my Couzhena's birthday and we were home washing walls. She's all "at least we didn't miss you! can we stop by on the way home?" I said "No, thank you." Then she understands that I'm upset and whatever. On Tuesday I get an email talking about a miscommunication. I agree there was a miscommunication but tell her I don't have the space to get into it right now, can I have some time to collect and think. Mostly it was the house drama that had me in a space where I was vulnerable and felt like I had no brain capacity for anything. Becky turns it all around on her and insists that I owe her an explanation and blah blah blah. I don't owe you shit. Despite what Becky may think, this was not all about her even though she felt it was. I don't respond. I tell Dane later that day "I'm sorry if this will have any impact on your relationship with Jamie." He says not to worry. NO sooner than he said that did he get a text from Jamie asking about me and Becky and asks if I'm actually mad at something or just grumpy - cause that's what I do when I'm grumpy, I go around hurting and kicking my friends. I would LOOOVE to hear the version of events that Becky gave to Jamie, based on that comment! Dane said it was best for them to stay out of it, this was between Crystal and Becky. Jamie says "okkie-dokie" and that's that. Or is it? Not even 45 min went by before Dane got another text from Jamie saying "Crystal hurt Becky's feelings and we don't know why. You can understand that because of this we can no longer be friends." Wow. Are we 12 years old? Is it realistic to think that a relationship - any relationship - will be free of strife and conflict? What a nut job!! So Dane and I were like "Wow. Not a whole lot you can say to that." This is not the first time Jamie has been rash like this, we suspect alcohol was involved, and it is not the first time he has completely revoked friendship with Dane based on an arbitrary line he's drawn in the sand. Whatever - friends like that aren't really friends anyway. Which brings me to my next point.
Truth be told, after the Ren Fair texts and because I had a shit ton of time on my hands scrubbing walls I thought about my friendship with Becky the rest of the weekend and decided that over the last 10+ years it has been riddled with drama, tension and stress. For both of us - this isn't just me talking here. I suspect it's just as stressful for Becky to deal with me as it is for me to deal with her. For that reason I concluded that while we are both good people, fun people, loving people, we are not good people together in a friendship. She analyzes my every word and action and I feel I have to walk on eggshells. It's not good and I can never be the friend she wants and needs. Realizing that was an epiphany. I talked it over with Dane and he agreed, after a lengthy discussion and debate, and we realized there is no "fixing" this relationship with Becky. This was all BEFORE Jamie got involved and settled the score for everyone. That actually made the decision feel like it was a step in the right direction and it made the execution of the decision that much easier. I blocked Becky on my phone and email, deleted her from any social media and washed my hands of it. Hopefully she can find a friend who can be what she needs.
