I woke up this morning thinking that Isis was alive. I've had a few mornings like this in the past 6 years since her death and they are never, ever easy. It usually takes me about 2 hours just to get to the point where I can function and carry on with my day. Then I spend all day in a melancoly haze crying at the drop of a hat and wondering if I'm really alive in this reality.
Last night's dream was borderline nightmare. I dreamt that Dane and I lived together in a house that belonged to Kevin. The actual house was a carbon copy of the house I lived in w/ my parents that had a pool. Kevin's family was trying to hurry us out of the house and a week before we were set to leave we got a tip that Kevin had buried Isis underneath the pool. We dug up the pool and broke through the tile to find that yes, a coffin was there. In fact two coffins were there. Isis's and another man. At that point Dane told me to leave because Isis's coffin had not been shut and I didn't want to see what was there. I left to find a sticky that had the number to "the court" on it so I could tell them what we found. While I searched for the sticky, I looked outside and saw Isis in her coffin, but she was alive! She was still 15 months old, even though in my dream it had been two years since her death. My dream did not afford me explainations as to why or how she had survived in a coffin for two years with no food, water or oxygen let alone why she hadn't aged. Probably because I will always picture her as she was when she died.
So Isis was alive and we immediately began the logistics of her arrival back in to my life. I was upset that I had given away all her clothes and belongings since I should have known she would come back for me. I did have her teddy bear though (and I do in real life). Her father, though not in my dream as her real life father, was still very evil - almost Draconian. He could poof in and out of rooms and carried a trident like staff. He even said "I was glad when she died two years ago because I couldn't afford the child support but my life is different now so I'm excited that she is alive and I can play with her." *poof*
The dream, especially the excavation part, is sticking with me quite vividly and as I said, I awoke expecting her to be with me. It took me about 10 minutes to sort out what was real and what wasn't and I quickly grabbed a tablet and pen and started writting down aspects of my dream so I wouldn't forget them because everything seemed so symbolic. I called Dane and told him (he's in Portland) and he felt bad he wasn't here to support me and felt even worse that he feels he is partly to blame. I'll explain.
This past week with Damion being in the hospital and the reality of that situation and the realization of what could have been combined with a hap-hazard question to Dane about what his opinion was on Isis's death (he met with the police about 8 months after it happened to review the autopsy notes and findings - I couldn't do it) are probably the roots of this dream and the funk I've been in for days. Dane believes that while Kevin did not intend to kill Isis, he feels he acted out of anger and perhaps a little bit of drunkeness. The mere thought of someone being angry enough at Isis to shake her to death whilst banging her head on furniture is enough to send me to convulsions and I've never accepted that. It seems that I am started the slow process of accepting the reality of how she died and how it impacts me, both then and now. I should note that my parents (and even me to some lingering degree) believe that Isis was previously injured while out with her birth father (she did have bruising on her head to support this theory) and that the blow she suffered through Kevin's hands, which was not in anger or drunken rage, sent Isis into the state that she eventually died in. We've all heard of second blows, specifically football players and such that receive head trama and then get one final blow, usually insignificant compared to others, that puts them out, if not of life at least the game of ball. Whether Isis died at Kevin's hands or due to an injury related somehow to her father does not lessen the extent of her injuries or the brutality that she endured. I can't bear that thought and have actively pushed that thought out of my mind for 6 years now. But we all know that we can't run forever.
I fear that I'm starting (albeit belated) another stage of grief that is perhaps the hardest, if the stages can even be quantified that way. To add insult to injury, I attended a work function today that took place at the Seattle Children's Museum - chalk full of kids around Isis's would-be age and the age she was when she died. As if that wasn't enough, the people hosting the meeting, obviously museum employees, spent about 15 minutes explaining the museum's mission and one of the (smart) safety rules they have is that no adult can enter without a child. That statement made sense the first time. But it was repeated, I counted, seven more times. And with each mention it was harder and harder to bite back the tears. You are not allowed without a child. Don't any of you have children? You can't come in without a child. Without a child. Without a child.
And that is what I am at the end of the day. Without a child.
Wednesday, February 27, 2008
Wednesday, February 20, 2008
Keep Damion in your Prayers/Thoughts
I found out on Sunday night that Peck's son fell in to their pool and almost drown. He's been in ICU at Texas Children's since recovering from the trauma, lung infection, and various other ailments. Peck is doing as well as can be expected. Jeremy flew in on Tuesday from Dubai and other friends and family members made an effort to come down and be with them in their time of need. Dra is doing okay too but I imagine he will be impacted by this as the dust settles.
Damion is on a ventilator now and hopefully will be taken off soon and able to breathe on his own. At this time he is not exhibiting any signs of brain damage which is a miracle and blessing.
This situation reminds me of how strong people are. Not only is Damion a strong, resilient baby, but Peck is (as always) a pillar of immense strength. She was one of the major driving forces behind the details and business end of Isis's death, having dealth with a death of her own child prior to Isis. For this I am forever indebted to her and the mere thought that she might have had to go down that road again has upset me more than I could ever be prepared for. However, that is not the case (thank GOD) and she has just been so strong and positive. I've also been reminded that no matter how many miles and moons have separated us, we are all networked together and in time of great need people will cross oceans just to support you.
I'm continuing to pray for Damion and Peck's family and am hopeful for a positive outcome.
This event overcomes anything else that is going on in my life at the moment but even as such my life is fairly calm right now. I met all my January deadlines (a lot was riding on that so thank God I pulled through), work continues to go well, the audit is finally (FINALLY) over and it went well, school is going well (I have an A+), homelife is going well (though I wish Dane wouldn't Warcraft so much), the kitties are doing good, the workouts are coming along, finances are finally gelling together. Life in general is good.
I'm gearing up for Egypt in April (I can't believe that's just 6 weeks away!) and hoping that work projects and daily duties continue to sail along. Next class will be tough as I work 2 weeks at a time in order to take 2 weeks off for Egypt, but I've structured my social life to take on the added homework and work work.
I've been talking to people that I knew back in high school and that has been fun. It makes me jones to go back to CO which I'm tentatively planning a trip over Labor Day. Also planning a trip to Houston in Oct. Hopefully Peck and family will still be there.
My intervention meeting w/ Jim went well and the passing weeks have been progressive as well. I'm signed up for a conflict management class that will help.
Keep Damion in your prayers/thoughts. He needs all the strength that can be mustered.
Damion is on a ventilator now and hopefully will be taken off soon and able to breathe on his own. At this time he is not exhibiting any signs of brain damage which is a miracle and blessing.
This situation reminds me of how strong people are. Not only is Damion a strong, resilient baby, but Peck is (as always) a pillar of immense strength. She was one of the major driving forces behind the details and business end of Isis's death, having dealth with a death of her own child prior to Isis. For this I am forever indebted to her and the mere thought that she might have had to go down that road again has upset me more than I could ever be prepared for. However, that is not the case (thank GOD) and she has just been so strong and positive. I've also been reminded that no matter how many miles and moons have separated us, we are all networked together and in time of great need people will cross oceans just to support you.
I'm continuing to pray for Damion and Peck's family and am hopeful for a positive outcome.
This event overcomes anything else that is going on in my life at the moment but even as such my life is fairly calm right now. I met all my January deadlines (a lot was riding on that so thank God I pulled through), work continues to go well, the audit is finally (FINALLY) over and it went well, school is going well (I have an A+), homelife is going well (though I wish Dane wouldn't Warcraft so much), the kitties are doing good, the workouts are coming along, finances are finally gelling together. Life in general is good.
I'm gearing up for Egypt in April (I can't believe that's just 6 weeks away!) and hoping that work projects and daily duties continue to sail along. Next class will be tough as I work 2 weeks at a time in order to take 2 weeks off for Egypt, but I've structured my social life to take on the added homework and work work.
I've been talking to people that I knew back in high school and that has been fun. It makes me jones to go back to CO which I'm tentatively planning a trip over Labor Day. Also planning a trip to Houston in Oct. Hopefully Peck and family will still be there.
My intervention meeting w/ Jim went well and the passing weeks have been progressive as well. I'm signed up for a conflict management class that will help.
Keep Damion in your prayers/thoughts. He needs all the strength that can be mustered.
Thursday, February 07, 2008
28 and Life to go
So I briefly read through my 2005, 2006, and 2007 birthday posts - what an amazing trip it's been! 2005 was a great youthful but in-the-learning stage post, 2006 was a dreadful bout of depression, and 2007 was an exciting burst of newness. 2008 has a lot to live up to.
As I mentioned in my yearly recap, 2007 was such a big year for me. I really hope that 2008 has much less growth and extracurricular activities. So far I have a few things planned, but really nothing outside of travel and school. I am still on the heavier side of things, but I'm in a pattern of working out and eating right. Not vegan, but rather a nice balance which is the best you can hope for.
Even as I write this I can tell that I'm in a sort of mental transformation. The past couple months have been very stressful at work but nothing near what TSA was. However, I find that I'm still coping with stress in a very sub-par way. Just yesterday I exploded at a situation that really didn't call for it. I spent all last night beating myself up for it wondering why it was so hard for me to just "shut the eff up." HG suggested I look in to personality tests and I wrote her off at first but decided to look in to the tests I've taken. They all say the same thing, I'm an expressive, outgoing person who tends to speak/act before I think. I know this, what I don't know is ~how~ to control it. I decided to lay down for a bit to think things through and ended up falling asleep and having weird dreams and premonitions. I came to work today quiet and reflective. What I found were opportunities to make my mistakes right, apologize to the folks it affected, and really redeem myself. I also had the opportunity to introduce a concept that RBMBA discovered a while back. I'm an employee that needs "face time", or as I put it - hand holding and coddling. I don't like that but I finally decided to just accept that and move forward. I told Jim about my high maintenance needs and how I need more positive reinforcement than the average bear. From that moment on things have been infinitely better. We had an extremely progressive day despite the snags and I feel 100% better about our working relationship and my situation. I really do feel supported and like I will succeed at Treehouse.
With that monkey off my back, I've been able to think about other aspects of my life at this stage of 28. Again, I have to thank HG (and her hub) for providing an excellent role model for marriage. Their relationship has really placed the groundwork for a great union w/ my man. Things have been going very well with us and I have to acknowledge my support system. All of my friends have been great, Sarah has always been our cheerleader and often (though I'm sure she'd rather not be) the sounding board for both of our cases when we are in valleys. RBMBA has always been the voice of reason and logic and has helped me weed through things that my issue and things that are Dane's. Peck has always been and always will be on my side and provides a great support for been there/done that. And Amy has always helped me stay true to myself. Often when people get married I see them lose themselves to the other and its great to have a buddy that knew you before and helps you retain that self.
I feel very calm about this stage of my life. Like I have time to get things in order before the big 3-0 but that time isn't something to be taken for granted either. I will enjoy my last years of my twenty's and look forward to my coming years (sponsored by Botox). I have learned so much, it feels like most of it has been in the past couple years. I look back at my early twenty's and smile at the rebel of my youth. So much of me is still here that was back then yet at the same time I feel so different.
I've calmed down a lot. I'm not as motivated to take on the world. I was shocked to realize I"m halfway through my MBA program and still on target for my CPA by 30. Now that I'm almost there, I almost get separation anxiety. Not so much from school or homework but more with the idea that after my CPA, what will I be doing to grow? How will I motivate myself to stay above the daily grind? I'm not sure. As was the case when I was 25, it is now: I'm left with more questions than answers.
Sometimes I wish I knew where this life will take me and other times I'm glad I don't. Who knows how this will all end. I don't feel ready for it to end yet I don't really have any world or even life changing plans on the docket. Who ever does I guess. I don't think Einstein woke up and reviewed his daily log to change the world. It just happened. Not that I am comparing myself to Einstein or think I will have an effect on this world. Just the world I know.
More and more my world is closing in on me and I think that's a good thing. Rather than be one to the world I think I'm focusing more on being the world to one. And I like that.
So I found this post and figured it was worth an update.
Goals for 30th birthday
Education
Completed Bachelor's degree - achieved
Completed Master's degree - in process, completion Summer '09
Enrolled in study program for CPA exam - Summer '09
Information gathered on law degree or PHD - maybe a law degree, no PhD
Career
Earning at the very least $55,000/year ($43K inflation, $2K BA, $5K MA) - achieved
Revolving CFA and/or more corps under my belt, or mini-controller - achieved - Accounting Manager
Community
Continue fostering animals for Humane Society - in hiatus while Willie transitions
Become a mentor for children - Summer '08
Obtain info on child fostering/adopting - now that I work for an org that caters to foster kids, this info is at my fingertips at any time
Body
Tattoos removed - almost done
Junk hair removed - almost done
Teeth whitened - achieved and ongoing
Augmentation - achieved
Stable 130 - 140 lbs - working on :-(
Non-dyed, healthy hair - healthy, highlighted hair
Eyebrows touched up - achieved and ongoing
Mind
Continued yoga practice - need to do
Painting - in spurts, but coming along
Dancing - once a year parade routine, good enough
Frivalties
Tanning bed - I have a salon I go to, probably will continue to do this rather than buy one
Hot tub - achieved
Massage membership - achieved
Maid - achieved
Convertible sports car - very possible in next 2 years
New motorcycle - probably not unless we move to a warmer climate and that's okay
Travel - OMG - I've done nothing but travel! Colorado, California, Oregon, Florida, Amsterdam, Mexico, and now Egypt and Texas - the list goes on!
Kauai - we still need to do this
Greece - well the honeymoon was Mexico, but maybe for an anniversary or Masters graduation
Vancouver - still need to do this, we take for granted that we live so close
I'm amazed at how much I've accomplished just by 28. I guess I need to revise this, eh?
As I mentioned in my yearly recap, 2007 was such a big year for me. I really hope that 2008 has much less growth and extracurricular activities. So far I have a few things planned, but really nothing outside of travel and school. I am still on the heavier side of things, but I'm in a pattern of working out and eating right. Not vegan, but rather a nice balance which is the best you can hope for.
Even as I write this I can tell that I'm in a sort of mental transformation. The past couple months have been very stressful at work but nothing near what TSA was. However, I find that I'm still coping with stress in a very sub-par way. Just yesterday I exploded at a situation that really didn't call for it. I spent all last night beating myself up for it wondering why it was so hard for me to just "shut the eff up." HG suggested I look in to personality tests and I wrote her off at first but decided to look in to the tests I've taken. They all say the same thing, I'm an expressive, outgoing person who tends to speak/act before I think. I know this, what I don't know is ~how~ to control it. I decided to lay down for a bit to think things through and ended up falling asleep and having weird dreams and premonitions. I came to work today quiet and reflective. What I found were opportunities to make my mistakes right, apologize to the folks it affected, and really redeem myself. I also had the opportunity to introduce a concept that RBMBA discovered a while back. I'm an employee that needs "face time", or as I put it - hand holding and coddling. I don't like that but I finally decided to just accept that and move forward. I told Jim about my high maintenance needs and how I need more positive reinforcement than the average bear. From that moment on things have been infinitely better. We had an extremely progressive day despite the snags and I feel 100% better about our working relationship and my situation. I really do feel supported and like I will succeed at Treehouse.
With that monkey off my back, I've been able to think about other aspects of my life at this stage of 28. Again, I have to thank HG (and her hub) for providing an excellent role model for marriage. Their relationship has really placed the groundwork for a great union w/ my man. Things have been going very well with us and I have to acknowledge my support system. All of my friends have been great, Sarah has always been our cheerleader and often (though I'm sure she'd rather not be) the sounding board for both of our cases when we are in valleys. RBMBA has always been the voice of reason and logic and has helped me weed through things that my issue and things that are Dane's. Peck has always been and always will be on my side and provides a great support for been there/done that. And Amy has always helped me stay true to myself. Often when people get married I see them lose themselves to the other and its great to have a buddy that knew you before and helps you retain that self.
I feel very calm about this stage of my life. Like I have time to get things in order before the big 3-0 but that time isn't something to be taken for granted either. I will enjoy my last years of my twenty's and look forward to my coming years (sponsored by Botox). I have learned so much, it feels like most of it has been in the past couple years. I look back at my early twenty's and smile at the rebel of my youth. So much of me is still here that was back then yet at the same time I feel so different.
I've calmed down a lot. I'm not as motivated to take on the world. I was shocked to realize I"m halfway through my MBA program and still on target for my CPA by 30. Now that I'm almost there, I almost get separation anxiety. Not so much from school or homework but more with the idea that after my CPA, what will I be doing to grow? How will I motivate myself to stay above the daily grind? I'm not sure. As was the case when I was 25, it is now: I'm left with more questions than answers.
Sometimes I wish I knew where this life will take me and other times I'm glad I don't. Who knows how this will all end. I don't feel ready for it to end yet I don't really have any world or even life changing plans on the docket. Who ever does I guess. I don't think Einstein woke up and reviewed his daily log to change the world. It just happened. Not that I am comparing myself to Einstein or think I will have an effect on this world. Just the world I know.
More and more my world is closing in on me and I think that's a good thing. Rather than be one to the world I think I'm focusing more on being the world to one. And I like that.
So I found this post and figured it was worth an update.
Goals for 30th birthday
Education
Completed Bachelor's degree - achieved
Completed Master's degree - in process, completion Summer '09
Enrolled in study program for CPA exam - Summer '09
Information gathered on law degree or PHD - maybe a law degree, no PhD
Career
Earning at the very least $55,000/year ($43K inflation, $2K BA, $5K MA) - achieved
Revolving CFA and/or more corps under my belt, or mini-controller - achieved - Accounting Manager
Community
Continue fostering animals for Humane Society - in hiatus while Willie transitions
Become a mentor for children - Summer '08
Obtain info on child fostering/adopting - now that I work for an org that caters to foster kids, this info is at my fingertips at any time
Body
Tattoos removed - almost done
Junk hair removed - almost done
Teeth whitened - achieved and ongoing
Augmentation - achieved
Stable 130 - 140 lbs - working on :-(
Non-dyed, healthy hair - healthy, highlighted hair
Eyebrows touched up - achieved and ongoing
Mind
Continued yoga practice - need to do
Painting - in spurts, but coming along
Dancing - once a year parade routine, good enough
Frivalties
Tanning bed - I have a salon I go to, probably will continue to do this rather than buy one
Hot tub - achieved
Massage membership - achieved
Maid - achieved
Convertible sports car - very possible in next 2 years
New motorcycle - probably not unless we move to a warmer climate and that's okay
Travel - OMG - I've done nothing but travel! Colorado, California, Oregon, Florida, Amsterdam, Mexico, and now Egypt and Texas - the list goes on!
Kauai - we still need to do this
Greece - well the honeymoon was Mexico, but maybe for an anniversary or Masters graduation
Vancouver - still need to do this, we take for granted that we live so close
I'm amazed at how much I've accomplished just by 28. I guess I need to revise this, eh?
Friday, February 01, 2008
You Babysit Me
I haven't been as good as I promised myself I would be at keeping my blog updated. Having said that, there has been some office drama that I got the chance to nip in the bud today.
I formally went to our office manager to complain about my boss and his micro-managing tactics. At first I thought I was just being sensitive about it but after talking with a handful of others, both in the admin dept and outside, I realized that if something doesn't happen and quick a mutiny may be afoot. I mentioned this (in short) to ED and I guess she talked to Ann, the office manager, and next thing you know the intervention is today.
Without going in to the gory details I will say that it went well. Never one to mince words, I started out the session with "You babysit me and that's gotta stop." It went from there and we got some stuff out on the table but ended it with [what I feel is] a good action plan and timeline for progress. We set up "safe" times for asking questions and getting in touch with my area and I have hopes that things will improve. If not, then I may have to look at my other options after I get back from Egypt.
In other news my trip to Tampa went well. Very low key and uneventful (save the usual airport drama - I got wasted on the trip out there and almost didn't get to eat dinner at the place I wanted to in Terminal F). We went to the Pirate Festival, which rocked, went to the beach, and just had plenty of quiet time. Amy's house is so fun! It's perfect for just her. She mentioned that she and Bryan will likely have to move in to a bigger place when they do move in together but for now its a fun little cottage with a loft, spiral staircase, and one-car garage.
I missed Dane more than I thought I would or was expecting. Its weird because it took some time after we got married but I feel like I'm falling in love with him all over again. We had a rough patch but I think was more due to all the extracurricular activities I had going on. Not to mention work woes on both ends. Now that most of the dust has settled, we are getting in to the swing of married life and I have to say that I dig it. I like calling him my husband. I like the security we have. I like our system. He's my greatest ally and best friend and I love him so much. For so long I harbored bitterness and resentment, who even knows why, but that is melting away and I can start being me again and being cute.
The kitties are doing well. I love them. I need to start posting to the cats blog again. And maybe even the BG blog.
We are keeping on track with the gym, we love our movie nights. I've slacked on the diet a little bit (okay a LOT) but I like being able to go out and enjoy my life.
School is going well. I broke my steady decline streak and got an A in my last class. Would have been an A+ if I hadn't missed the 3 points from being gone in W6 at Tampa. I have this teacher again so I'm happy. I haven't done my homework yet (supposed to be doing it now actually) but I'll get it done soon.
Dane is taking me to dinner tomorrow to celebrate my 28th b-day. Wow - another year, I'll post more on that later though. Then there's the super bowl. All in all a busy but fun weekend planned.
I'm ready for bed, so I'm off.
I formally went to our office manager to complain about my boss and his micro-managing tactics. At first I thought I was just being sensitive about it but after talking with a handful of others, both in the admin dept and outside, I realized that if something doesn't happen and quick a mutiny may be afoot. I mentioned this (in short) to ED and I guess she talked to Ann, the office manager, and next thing you know the intervention is today.
Without going in to the gory details I will say that it went well. Never one to mince words, I started out the session with "You babysit me and that's gotta stop." It went from there and we got some stuff out on the table but ended it with [what I feel is] a good action plan and timeline for progress. We set up "safe" times for asking questions and getting in touch with my area and I have hopes that things will improve. If not, then I may have to look at my other options after I get back from Egypt.
In other news my trip to Tampa went well. Very low key and uneventful (save the usual airport drama - I got wasted on the trip out there and almost didn't get to eat dinner at the place I wanted to in Terminal F). We went to the Pirate Festival, which rocked, went to the beach, and just had plenty of quiet time. Amy's house is so fun! It's perfect for just her. She mentioned that she and Bryan will likely have to move in to a bigger place when they do move in together but for now its a fun little cottage with a loft, spiral staircase, and one-car garage.
I missed Dane more than I thought I would or was expecting. Its weird because it took some time after we got married but I feel like I'm falling in love with him all over again. We had a rough patch but I think was more due to all the extracurricular activities I had going on. Not to mention work woes on both ends. Now that most of the dust has settled, we are getting in to the swing of married life and I have to say that I dig it. I like calling him my husband. I like the security we have. I like our system. He's my greatest ally and best friend and I love him so much. For so long I harbored bitterness and resentment, who even knows why, but that is melting away and I can start being me again and being cute.
The kitties are doing well. I love them. I need to start posting to the cats blog again. And maybe even the BG blog.
We are keeping on track with the gym, we love our movie nights. I've slacked on the diet a little bit (okay a LOT) but I like being able to go out and enjoy my life.
School is going well. I broke my steady decline streak and got an A in my last class. Would have been an A+ if I hadn't missed the 3 points from being gone in W6 at Tampa. I have this teacher again so I'm happy. I haven't done my homework yet (supposed to be doing it now actually) but I'll get it done soon.
Dane is taking me to dinner tomorrow to celebrate my 28th b-day. Wow - another year, I'll post more on that later though. Then there's the super bowl. All in all a busy but fun weekend planned.
I'm ready for bed, so I'm off.
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